Well for background, H has ended our marriage. I'm pregnant (unplanned) and we have two DC under four.
I've moved out of his damp, cramped nightmare of a house into somewhere lovely. The kids see him two nights a week (would prefer one). I'm close to friends and family, have a lot of support.
No one is here to call me a cunt, or a bitch, or tell me to fuck off. No one is kicking stuff into walls or breakingmirrors. No one is ignoring me in the name of 'space'. No one is 'sexting' other women for a 'release'. No one is promising, forgetting, sulking if I remind. No one is wishing I'd kill myself or my unborn child. No one is taking anyone else to hotel rooms. No one is loving me one second, despising me the next.
No one is fucked off if I'm half an hour late, then staying our all night themselves. No one is criticising my parenting, cleaning ability, appearance or sexual prowess. No one cares what I make for dinner. I don't feel on edge, I'm not given hell for having had depression. No one is hacking my emails or controlling my phone bill. There are no controlling, insular, deluded in-laws to make me miserable.
My children are in a healthy environment, they have a good school to go to, we can look forward to the baby. They eat better, sleep better. For the first time I am enjoying motherhood.
So why, WHY, am I sat here in tears because he has someone else? Why do I wish he was here sat next to me? Why did I fall for the 'pity shag' trick and why am I wishing it would happen again? Why does listening to a fucking Green Day song have me in floods of tears? Why am I keeping a t-shirt of his when I have binned my wedding album? Why am I so heartbroken? Why do I care that he now wears a bracelet, when he never wore the one I got him (petty...). Why do I wish I had him to hold? I miss his body, I miss his chaotic mind. I don't want anyone else to have it.
Knock this out of me, please. I am tougher than I sound.