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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum at the school won't talk to me as our daughters fell out.

53 replies

Murphy0510 · 27/02/2013 22:19

The girls had a very minor argument at school about a year ago. They are 8. Her daughter is quite diva-like in her behaviour and has very big dramatic fall outs with a lot of other girls. The mum sent me a few unpleasant texts really insulting my DD. I suggested we got the girls together to iron out their differences and to make friends and she said no, she didn't want to do that. So then I suggested we just tell the girls to stay away from each other at school for a while (they were never best friends), and she sent me another insulting text, deleted me from Facebook, and has now refused to speak to me since.

We live very near each other, and if we walk past each other she puts her nose in the air and quickly turns her head away from me, or she tries to stare me out! I have tried several times to say hello to her, and she's ignored me, but it's making school runs very difficult and awkward, as we see each other most days. She stands outside the gate chatting each morning with a couple of her friends and always seems to be in the way when I try to walk through the gate, and when I say 'excuse me' she doesn't move.

I don't mind if she doesn't like me. I think she's been very childish and unpleasant, but has anyone got any advice on how to handle things? I get panicky when she walks towards me as I find it so awkward walking past her and us ignoring each other. I hate bad feeling and would like us to just be on saying hello/nodding terms, but I don't think this is going to happen.

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 27/02/2013 22:23

The mum sent me a few unpleasant texts really insulting my DD.

And in response you sent her a text telling her to f£$k off to the far side of f$%k? Right? Because anyone who insulted my DD in a text would be told that stat and they wouldn't even exist for me any more... or at least until they abjectly apologised.

You've dodged a bullet. Don't think about the politics, she's not worth having in your life and you surely don't want your DD to prolong a relationship that ends up in stuff like this? Just blank her completely.

Original poster
Murphy0510 · 27/02/2013 22:29

I told her there was no need to be nasty about my DD, but I didn't tell her to fuck off as I thought in the long run it would be better for DD if we could come up with a solution to the situation. I wish now though that I had told her to fuck right off! You're right, I am better off without someone like that in my life. Ironically her DD is really nice to my DD now, although DD keeps her at arm's length and says she doesn't trust her.

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2013 22:29

I had a catastrophic falling out with another parent just over a year ago Murphy. Previously to this we had been close friends for 10 years! Anyway, we fell out over the children (long story). I did my utmost to keep things civil, tried over and over again to resolve things but she and her DP completely refused to even speak to us.....ever again. I completely understand how you feel. We also had to go past their house on the way to school and the school run became really stressful, I didn't know who was she had gossiped to and who was speaking to me etc.

After a year of feeling dreadful about it and trying to think of all kinds of ways to sort things out, almost making myself feel ill about it I just stopped trying and took no notice of her. I'm not sure what else you can do. If someone wont resolve a situation with you you cannot keep beating your head against a brick wall. If the situation carries on into school (for the Dds) ask for a meeting with their teacher though. Nip that in the bud asap, otherwise, if the school are not aware it can get out of hand.

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2013 22:32

Murphy that is just what happened between my Dd and the other girl! She was being lovely to my Dd at school, apologised for her behaviour etc and the parents were totally blanking us! Helltotheno is right though. Some people are just completely unreasonable and you are wasting your time and energy worrying about them. Hope it works out.

Original poster
Murphy0510 · 27/02/2013 22:38

Thank you Cherries. Sorry to hear though that you've had a similar experience.

The mum is a bit of a spoilt madam, I guess this is her way of stamping her feet and having a temper tantrum because things didn't suit.

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 27/02/2013 22:40

I guess we know where the DD got her diva tendencies from. And your daughter sounds the wisest of the lot! Grin

I certainly wouldn't put any effort into mending fences with the mum or even acknowledging her existence.

Helltotheno · 27/02/2013 22:42

I wish now though that I had told her to fuck right off!
ok I was exaggerating a bit when I said that but I would have given her a piece of my mind. The nerve of her!

I had similar falling out, well one day I just had enough of a little madam subtly bullying and manipulating my DD over a long period and the mum being all PFB about the whole thing so I told her a few home truths and she doesn't speak to me now. The thing is, I like her, but my DD comes first and I wasn't about to put up with all the stress just to preserve a relationship with a mum.

I agree with Cherries about saying it to the school. I told school what had been going on just to cover myself and they were kept apart. DD knew to keep her distance, and interestingly, there has been trouble since with that child and others so I feel vindicated.

My view is that DC come first over parents etc. Don't get stressed over it OP, just blank! She can sense your discomfort and is sticking the knife in. Just walk past as though she doesn't exist.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 27/02/2013 22:43

You're well rid, seriously, she's a nutter.

Original poster
Murphy0510 · 27/02/2013 22:45

This girl has since fallen out with quite a few other girls. It's funny isn't it how the mums of the girls that are often bullies or very manipulative think their daughters are always innocent and it's everyone else in the wrong?

OP posts:
Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2013 22:45

Definitely, the parents we fell out with were lovely friends in many ways but were also real queen bees at the school, knew EVERYONE, were constantly in school helping out etc so when we fell out my Dp and I became totally paranoid thinking that they had gossiped about us to everyone and that maybe people wouldn't talk to us. In fact there was only 1 person who sided with them in that way and, it subsequently turned out, the school knew exactly what they were like.

I am very shy of confrontation but I learned from this that some people are basically bullies and you have to stand up to them! Not a nice experience though. I just want to get on with people and it seems like you feel similarly!

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2013 22:49

Helltotheno that is a very similar situation to ours. Also in our case the girl in question went on to cause all kinds of problems with other children but according to her parents it was never her fault. You speak complete sense, I wish I had posted when I was trying to cope with this like Murphy has I should have stood up to them MUCH sooner.

Original poster
Murphy0510 · 27/02/2013 22:51

The mum that's fallen out with me sounds similar, Cherries. She is very friendly with lots of people, and is on the PTA and helps out with reading and on school trips. I think she does probably gossip about it to others, and unfortunately she lives next door to one of DD's best friends, but I've never been close friends with the mum of the best friend, so our acquaintanceship has remained unchanged.

I'm the same about confrontation, and just like an easy life. I really hate bad feeling. I'd rather just avoid someone I don't like.

OP posts:
friendlymum67 · 27/02/2013 22:55

I have been in exactly the same position OP and still am. The other mum has spent the last 18 months doing her best to intimidate me by 'staring' me out, laughing at me with her friend and even 'threatening' me. There have been times when I have felt sick at the thought of the school run but have kept going for my daughter's sake. She also tries to intimidate my daughter Sad. I have stopped going to the gym in case she is there, and driven back out of the supermarket car park after seeing her car there Blush

I have come to the conclusion that she is a bully and I try not to let it bother me but it is very hard! As others have said people like this do not listen to reason.

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2013 22:56

Are we talking about the same person?? She sounds VERY similar! I feel pathetic saying this but approaching them about their Dds behaviour (which was what started all this) was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I tried to do it so reasonably, didn't tell anyone else, kept saying "I know there are 2 sides to this, I do want to resolve this for the girls and us" but from the moment I told them that was it, they cut us dead. They ignored all of us even my poor Dd who had to walk past them on the way to school. The mum refused to serve Dd at a school cake sale!!!! God, it was awful.

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2013 22:58

Oh friendly I used to feel exactly the same about the school run. It's horrible. Yes, they are bullies.

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2013 22:58

Our situation is only "resolved" because this family have moved house and schools!

Helltotheno · 27/02/2013 23:05

She also tries to intimidate my daughter

None of this is acceptable. The principal would be my first port of call, followed by the police.

BellaVita · 27/02/2013 23:26

A mum fell out with me over our DS's. we used to have coffee, go shopping together, have get togethers with our DH's. Basically, her DS (in YR6) jumped on my DS at lunchtime at school. DS had just had a cast off his arm and was not able to join in lunchtime activities. Some boys including hers were playing bulldog and her boy went down. Mime went over to see if he was ok and her boy got up and jumped on mine resulting in the other arm being broken. Mine was the only child not able to go on the YR6 residential as he had two weak arms and was not able to do any of the activities.

The boys used to walk to school together. Mine didn't want to do it anymore, his friend had hurt him. She took it personally, she wanted me to put her and her sons feelings above mine and DS's. They were in the last term of primary, DS knew his own mind I could not force him to walk with someone.

Honestly it was awful. She would turn her back on me in the street (small village) and she only lives four doors up from us.

This happened 5 years ago and last year they decided to walk to the bus stop every morning together for school.

The mum and I now have a "polite" chat with one another.

Funny thing is her lovely DH said to me once when I bumped into him "oh we never see you anymore"... Nah, I bet your wife didn't tell you SHE fell out with me.

Cherriesarelovely · 28/02/2013 12:21

Oh Bella! Your poor DS! That is horrible. I am really shocked that the other mum couldn't understand why your Ds felt the way he did. How did she expect him to feel?? There is one woman who has sided with the parents I fell out with, she takes great pains to blank myself and DP but her husband is absolutely lovely! He goes out of his way to come and chat to us and when I was in hospital recently he was one of my nurses and was so sweet and kind!

HecateWhoopass · 28/02/2013 12:28

Well, at least you know why the child is the way she is.

Apple doesn't fall far from the tree...

Just ignore her childishness. She's a pillock.

Cherriesarelovely · 28/02/2013 13:43

That is so true hectate!

laverneandshirl · 28/02/2013 13:54

oh god I am going through this atm! It is awful. The other Mum is now constantly on the look out for my DD's minor fall outs with other kids as proof that my DD is a trouble maker after falling out with her DD and no one backing up her point of view at the time (including school and other Mum's).

Feel like my DD has to be an angel all the time. What galls me most is that I got the full 'my DD would never fall out with anyone she is too sensitive' rubbish as well. This is after her DD did terrible things like throwing stuff at/kicking my DD IN FRONT OF HER!

This is a special kind of hell reserved for Mums I think.

Original poster
Murphy0510 · 28/02/2013 13:56

laverne, funnily enough this girl tried once to push my DD into a busy road once, in front of her mum and I. But this was apparently nothing to worry about and I 'took it the wrong way'

OP posts:
Original poster
Murphy0510 · 28/02/2013 13:57

I also feel that this woman is constantly scrutinizing my DD for any hint of a fall out. Her DD is the only girl my DD has ever had any real problems with at school.

OP posts:
laverneandshirl · 28/02/2013 13:59

Sorry Murphy not very useful advice! I think we are going to have to just grit our teeth and wear it. When someone is being so passive aggressive they are really after attention so best thing is to give as little as possible and hold on to fact that once they are at secondary school they will be taking themselves in and out of school.