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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Paying for sex

58 replies

JosMorgan · 21/02/2013 08:40

I have posted on here in the past about my 14 yrs marriage and the fact that my husband has a huge problem with sex or ANY form of intimacy, if I approach him we can succeed in the act, but its like being with a 12 yr old. I have tried everything, he has tried very little. Religion was a huge part of his growing up along with a very over bearing mother. Anyway that is not why I am posting this. I do not want my marriage to end, but I have needs. My thoughts are at the moment for me to pay for sex, but I have no idea where to start, my main concern is my safety. Pls do not reply if you are wanting to persuade me not to follow this course of action. I am at this point only thinking about it.
Where do I start, where do you got for recommendations?????

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 21/02/2013 13:23

The most positive step is to see this situation as something you can DO something about, whatever you decide in the end re paying for sex. It's not something you have to put up with and it's great that you're considering your options OP.

Narked · 21/02/2013 13:28

Paying for sex is repugnant.

Viviennemary · 21/02/2013 13:36

Would he not be prepared to go for therapy. If he had a difficult childhood and overbearing mother perhaps therapy could help. Don't think you should pay for sex. The health implications alone are enough not to never mind moral issues.

Darkesteyes · 21/02/2013 14:02

Angelfootprints voiceofunreason i agree with you both too. I think the responses would be different if the genders were swapped. In fact ive got a thread running on the Feminism board about this because there was an article in the Indy 2 days ago where the journo was a bit judgy towards a woman in a sexless marriage who was using Ashley Madison.
Ive been in a sexless marriage for 17 yrs and had a 4 and a half year affair which ended just over 5 yrs ago.

Original poster
JosMorgan · 22/02/2013 14:38

ImperialBlether - I want to stay in the marriage for all the same reasons purrpurr wants to stay in her marriage, along with my 2 boys we are a happy family. DH does not know I am thinking along these lines, even though I have mentioned it before. He would not like it at all.
I have only thought about paying for sex as I had not idea that there are 'groups' out there where you can go for 'no strings' sex.
Believe me when I say I have tried and suggested everything, e.g. paying for someone to teach him, I would teach him, toys, watching porn together, reading porn together. He has been in therapy for a year now, supposedly for this reason, but I see now that he has only gone into therapy because I asked him to move out as the situation was intolerable. He did for a few weeks and then promised the world and moved back in. He doesn't want therapy for this, he just went to shut me up. Nothing has changed!
It is so sad that people feel they are knowledgeable enough about me and my situation that they can judge so harshly. I AM ONLY considering this because I am desperate! I am so lonely, I feel unloved, unwanted, like there is something wrong with me.

OP posts:
Darkesteyes · 22/02/2013 16:55

Jos he sounds like a very selfish and controlling man. Attending therapy to "shut you up" because he thought he was going to lose his cosy little family life and status as a married man.
I dont think he has a right to control you like this. It is abusive.
He "promised the world" just to get his feet back under the table.
After seven years of no sex or affection at all i had an affair When dh found out he called me a bitch.
A few years later he told me to "do what i need to do but be discreet about it" Jos i feel the same as you. Lonely depressed been crying at the drop of a hat. The last few months have been particularly bad. I turn 40 in June which doesnt help. I know how you feel.

Darkesteyes · 22/02/2013 16:57

Is he still going to therepy. How long did he go for. Did he actually attend?

freddiemisagreatshag · 22/02/2013 17:10

So it's ok for either partner in a relationship to go elsewhere for sex? Whilst still in that relationship? And without the knowledge of their partner?

WOW.

purrpurr · 22/02/2013 17:12

Jos, it's heartbreaking that you feel like there must be something wrong with you. I felt like that for a long time, too. I'm only young, I used to think. Most of me is where it should be, more or less. I'm in my prime. Why doesn't my husband fancy me? What can be so god awful and disgusting about me that the person who volunteered to stay with me for life doesn't even want me? I felt ashamed and dirty. Horrible. Please don't feel like this. It can't be your fault. It simply can't be.

When me and my DH sat down and talked it through, a lot of unexpected things came up, the main points were:

  1. He'd assumed that sex was not important for me, because I'm a woman, so he didn't think he was depriving me of anything. He's always very affectionate and cuddly, but as far as he was concerned, sex was a man's game only. Sure, aren't we wimmins always on the asprin at Sex O'Clock as that's when we get our headaches and need to go to bed early (alone)? Then occasionally we'll let out our corsets a little, lie down flat on the bed and roll our eyes at the ceiling while our menfolk pump away enthusiastically on top. Then when they are done, we wipe ourselves and go fold the laundry. Yeah, right.

  2. The above made me see static for a bit. Then he said he just didn't feel sexy. He felt unfit, not toned enough, unattractive, and it was practically impossible for him to get in the mood when he felt about as attractive as a bag of spuds. Now this I could totally understand. I'm sure any sexually active person has, from time to time, had their libido do a runner because they felt a bit bleurgh.

Sorry for the extra long comment there but do either of those ring a bell re: your DH?

SolidGoldBrass · 22/02/2013 17:15

A person who is witholding sex but insistent on staying in the relationship is being selfish, and therefore the other partner shouldn't feel ashamed of getting his/her needs met elsewhere.
TBH Jos I think you might eventually get rid of this H purely because his selfishness is going to manifest in a lot of other ways as well. Either that or you will meet someone else who wants a relationship with you.

Zaphiro · 22/02/2013 17:21

I'm with Purity. Paying for sex isn't the answer.

badinage · 22/02/2013 17:47

There are a few more honourable options here than becoming a sex industry consumer and propping up a horrible industry, finding a no-strings sex site for married liars or having a secret affair.

You could be honest with your husband about seeking sex and affection from elsewhere, giving him the permission to do the same if he wants - and then finding someone who's single and giving that person no false hope of a commitment.

Or you could be honest about what you're considering and hope that this might finally jolt your husband into facing up to the issues in your relationship.

Or you could change your mindset about whether it's worth staying in a relationship with no sex, acknowledge that it's important to you and that leaving a sexless relationship is a perfectly legitimate action. Lots of women wouldn't think twice about leaving a relationship that involved violence, infidelity, abuse or bad parenting. I'll never understand why 'no sex' isn't put in the same bracket.

Personally, I'd never let someone else's behaviour lead to me becoming a cheat, a liar or someone who hurt other women by having illicit sex with their partners - and there's no way I'd touch the sex industry with a bargepole. I'd rather keep my integrity intact and take responsibility for my own actions.

There are more ethical options here.

Darkesteyes · 22/02/2013 18:03
  1. He'd assumed that sex was not important for me, because I'm a woman, so he didn't think he was depriving me of anything. He's always very affectionate and cuddly, but as far as he was concerned, sex was a man's game only. Sure, aren't we wimmins always on the asprin at Sex O'Clock as that's when we get our headaches and need to go to bed early (alone)? Then occasionally we'll let out our corsets a little, lie down flat on the bed and roll our eyes at the ceiling while our menfolk pump away enthusiastically on top. Then when they are done, we wipe ourselves and go fold the laundry. Yeah, right.

Exactly purr purr. Cos we wimmin dont really like sex anyway right? This proves what i was saying earlier. We live in a very mysogynistic society. What did he say when you pointed out how archaic his views are. How would he explain the popularity of womens erotic fiction then? (and i dont mean the awful 50 Shades) im thinking of the Black Lace books or classics like Anais Nin or the Story of O. JESUS CHRIST.

Oh and freddie Just so you know ive had WA confirm this kind of behaviour as controlling and abusive.

Darkesteyes · 22/02/2013 18:05

well as the partner?s friends and family.

Sexual Abuse

Sexual abuse is any forced or coerced sexual act or behavior motivated to acquire power and control over the partner. It is not only forced sexual contact but also contact that demeans or humiliates the partner and instigates feelings of shame or vulnerability ? particularly in regards to the body, sexual performance or sexuality.

Common examples are:
?Unwanted touching
?Demeaning remarks about the partner?s body or appearance
?Minimization of the partner?s sexual needs
?Berating the partner about his sexual history
?Demeaning remarks about the partner being too femme or butch
?Forcing sex or sexual actions on the partner without consent
?Using force or roughness that is not consensual, including forced sex (rape)
?Rape with an object
?Refusing to comply with the partner?s request for safe sex
?Coercing the partner into sex with others
?Purposefully and repeatedly crossing the partner?s sexual boundaries
?Violating an agreement for monogamy by having sex with others
?Exposing the partner to sexually transmitted diseases
?Treating the partner as a sex object
?Criticizing sexual performance or desirability
?Withholding sex as a punishment
?Unwanted sadistic sexual acts

Darkesteyes · 22/02/2013 18:06

?Minimization of the partner?s sexual needs

Darkesteyes · 22/02/2013 18:07

?Withholding sex as a punishment

runningforthebusinheels · 22/02/2013 18:08

I would think very carefully before you go down the paying for sex / no strings sex route. Apart from the fact that paying for sex and cheating on your partner is abhorrent - I'm not so certain it will make you feel any better in the long run. It's all a bit grim - and as pp's have said, you might not want to put your money into propping up the sex industry.

Another option I can see is to discuss an open relationship with your husband - then at least no deceit would be involved. I haven't read your other thread but it sounds like an awfully sad situation - I really feel for you.

freddiemisagreatshag · 22/02/2013 18:08

i'm not arguing that if you want sex you can leave your relationship and go somewhere else for it. My point is that doing so without the knowledge of your partner is an affair. And if a man posted that on here, sexless marriage or not, he'd be flamed to a crisp

badinage · 22/02/2013 18:09

So if you think you're living with an abusive misogynist then take responsibility for your own actions and leave.

Or if you think you're living with someone who just doesn't like sex (which is their right) but is otherwise a good partner and father, be honest about negotiating an open relationship and seek single partners.

You don't have to be an angry martyr or a cheat to do the right thing.

Darkesteyes · 22/02/2013 18:10

Err no he woudnt Freddie. Check out summerdads threads!

badinage · 22/02/2013 18:13

Having secret affairs and using prostitutes is also sexual abuse - there might also be financial abuse if the family budget is being compromised to pay for it all.

Darkesteyes · 22/02/2013 18:17

I agree badinage. I would NEVER use a male escort for those reasons. And i would want someone who really wanted me.

scaredbutexcited · 22/02/2013 18:27

I think some are being very tough on the OP. She is clearly unhappy and not thinking about this lightly.

If I was in this situation, I think I would leave.

It is not just about the sex (although that is important). It is also about the intimacy and knowing the other person cares for you.

If you wanted one more try I would possibly insist on going to the therapy together as you need to be open and honest with each other for any chance of it working.

Other than that you deserve love, affection, consideration and intimacy. Sex is clearly not the only issue here (from what I can tell) and you need to make sure you are happy.

badinage · 22/02/2013 18:32

Secret affairs are similar though - they still involve un-negotiated time and money, not to mention infidelity.

The thing is there's no point bleating about misogyny and how men think that women's needs aren't important if women are still too ashamed to tell it how it is and to be open about their needs - and if they aren't met either voting with their feet or being transparent about having sex elsewhere. Secrecy and cheating doesn't solve the problem at all, it just compounds it and keeps women's sexual needs hidden away out of view again.