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Original poster

what if dh tells you hes wanking?

107 replies

arabellaandbaby · 19/02/2013 22:36

i dont know where to start and havent told anyone in RL as im too embarrassed and ashamed.

my dh has told me recently that hes really unhappy with our sex life. his sex drive is much higher than mine and i often turn him away as im so tired physically and mentally from working such long hours and also looking after our 3yo dd. dh also works long hours but doesnt seem fazed by it at all.

last night, he basically admitted to me that hes been 'pleasuring himself' because he doesnt get enough from me. i told him i cant do it when im so tired and stressed after a long day at work but he said he loves me, and has to resort to sorting himself out in order not to stray. he said to me he now understands why many men stray when in a relationship that does not satisfy them sexually as men are built to need sex.

i feel so unhappy that i cant satisfy his needs. he says he doesnt want to force me when clearly, my body language is telling him im not in the mood.

what do i do? hes starting to question whether i lov hin

OP posts:
Thebrightsideoflife · 20/02/2013 06:16

The main thing is: don't you go making yourself feel worse about this than you already do. What is happening to you both is perfectly normal and he is clearly a bit frustrated, welcome to the real world! Have a chat but don't you feel like you've done anything wrong. Don't start from that position. 😉

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2013 06:38

"has to resort to sorting himself out in order not to stray. he said to me he now understands why many men stray when in a relationship that does not satisfy them sexually as men are built to need sex."

This would bother me far more than the masturbation. If he actually used the word 'resort' he's saying you're forcing him down a particular path, against his better judgement. I read that as a due notice given what he'll have to 'resort' to if you carry on being too tired ... Hmm

I hope you told him that you expect him to be faithful sexually regardless or he'll be out on his ear.

SusieSusieSheep · 20/02/2013 06:51

A lot of men feel compelled to wank every few days if they aren't having sex.... but what has that got to do with straying? How strange of him to bring up that subject apropos of nothing, really.

Chubfuddler · 20/02/2013 06:53

It's pretty unsurprising you find it hard to be sexually aroused by such a selfish whiny man op. I also read the "knows why some men stray" as an implied threat. Don't stand for the bullshit.

DeafLeopard · 20/02/2013 07:35

Very manipulative. All couples go through drought periods - often when children are little.

HollyBerryBush · 20/02/2013 07:50

Some people are just uinept at expressing themselves, they don't have the verbal dexterity.

The question that the pair of you should be asking each other is: are we directing all our energy on being parents, have we forgotten how to be a couple? Affection and communcation are the key to a successful relationship.

No sex, fine, but no affection? hmmm thats when things get rocky.

MadAboutHotChoc · 20/02/2013 08:43

He sounds like real tosser - threatening you that he will have an affair if you don't open your legs Hmm

what is he doing to make you feel respected, loved and desired?

Do you both have equal amounts of child free leisure time at home? I bet he spends evenings watching TV while you do the child care and chores....

ineedabodytransplant · 20/02/2013 15:17

A male point of view.

There was a serious lack of sex in my marriage. Lots of years with no kissing, cuddling or ddt. We finally split last year, but in all the time I wanted sex and she wasn't in the slightest bit interested, I never, ever came out with crap like the OPs oh. I never felt compelled to tell her what I was doing and when I was doing it. And I never tried blackmail. Where's the attraction in 'tricking/forcing' your wife to give in to demands or he might resort to going elsewhere. Not my idea of fun. What does he think you are? A blow up doll with a pulse.

I would let him go elsewhere, and kick his entitled arse to the kerb.

Not exactly loving husband of the year, is he?

kalidanger · 20/02/2013 15:18

The poor OP got scared off after the first reply Sad

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 20/02/2013 15:22

"he said to me he now understands why many men stray when in a relationship that does not satisfy them sexually as men are built to need sex."

What utter bollocks.

I have a mega high libido, seriously mega high and DP's is a lot lower. There is no way I would stray because of that, I love him and I want him. He agrees the same would go for him.

PureQuintessence · 20/02/2013 15:25

If he is not fazed by working long hours and you are, why does he not do more domestic and childcare stuff?

carmenelectra · 20/02/2013 18:32

Wanking is fine and normal.

Saying he is doing it so as not to cheat is not ok. What a thing to say? Emotional blackmail ot a sly dig? Have more sex or this wanking won't be enough and I will have to cheat.

Now if someone isn't happy with their sex life then you find a way to make it better. Masturbation is something you do if other partner doesn't fancy it as much. Cheating isn't an acceptable alternative. You walk out if you feel like that.

TDada · 20/02/2013 18:51

DH clearly going about things in the wrong way. So wrong to emotionally blackmail. However, we don't really know the full context and whether he has redeeming qualities or is a complete shit.

My personal view is that "self help " is an unsatisfactory substitute!! Please talk this through with your husband. Perhaps some early counselling might be a good thing and will help guide him towards being a better communicator as blackmail and pressure will only drive you apart. Best wishes.

Lueji · 20/02/2013 21:08

This isn't about wanking. It's about a manipulative wanker
it is about wanking then. ;)

I think you should explain to him that the way he's approaching it is mote likely to make you want sex with him less.
And that you need help so you don't get so tired (also make sure you are eating healthily, etc).
He really should be more caring, and I suspect he may be surprised.

What he does then will show his true intentions.

TDada · 22/02/2013 08:02

It is manipulative wrong behaviour but could also be a desperate cry for attention/help. It must be difficukt having mis matched sex drives. Please talk it through.

MrsWolowitzerables · 22/02/2013 08:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TDada · 22/02/2013 08:18

MrsW- does this put pressure on you or turn you off? It is a good idea to make his "simulation" more intimate. DH of the OP has gone about things the wrong way, to put it mildly, but I have empathy with "high sex drive man".

MrsWolowitzerables · 23/02/2013 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllaFitzgerald · 23/02/2013 13:00

He's telling you he's doing it so he isn't forced to cheat on you, and he's questioning whether YOU love HIM? He's not covering himself in glory here!

Absolutely nothing wrong with masturbation in a healthy relationship, but it sounds like he's trying to emotionally blackmail you with it.

Branleuse · 23/02/2013 13:07

its not unreasonable to wank.

He shouldnt be making you feel bad and threatening with straying though

RobDile197 · 23/02/2013 20:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

TheOriginalLadyFT · 23/02/2013 20:54

What a lovely post, robdile Hmm

Reported

BathTangle · 23/02/2013 21:18

For the first time in 7 years of MNetting, I have reported.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 23/02/2013 21:47

"try to suppress his genuine manly needs"

Lol!

Reported.

Lucyellensmum95 · 23/02/2013 21:53

I was ready to come in and say - well if he isn't getting his end away then FGS let him have one off the wrist, whats the problem, but thts not what he said is it. Its all the underlying "to stop me from straying" and " i can see why men stray" bullshit that came with it. That is pressurising and manipulative - horrible bastard, no wonder she doesnt want to have sex with him!