Left an abusive relationship/ Need handhold / advice / so lost / in shock

[lololizzy]

This is cut and pasted, i originally posted in chat too

After months of abuse, I walked out 6 days ago, leaving everything - home , pet, job , income, friends, new life (well newish,..had been there 3 yrs) you name it. The one bit i don't miss, obviously, is my abusive alcoholic fiance ( I don't have children, by the way)
I could really do with some support / advice/ handholding..i don't know if Chat is the best section..please be gentle
I am totally lost. The shock is going and the despair, anger and fear is setting in, Total panic really. I am back at my parents, in my hometown, 50 miles from him. I feel like the world's biggest failure (am in early 40s, left home 20 yrs ago, is surreal to be back in childhood home. Thought it might be comforting but that is not the case)
My parents are supportive in a practical way but certainly not in any other. They wanted me to come here but are stressed by my very presence. I have played everything down so as to not worry them, and when i have tried to confide, they just do not understand. They also don't understand that i am unwell with shock/ stress/ depression and feel i should just snap out of it. After all, I am 'safe ' now (I don't feel it , as ex is continually harrassing me here. it's never been physical aggression, but very severe verbal eg death threats to me, his suicide threats, blackmail, stalking and very controlling, threatening friends and family, you name it.) Ex has never been reported, as his suicide threats & blackmail stopped me doing that.
I feel completely lost, unsupported and terrified. I have no idea where to go from here. I need some space to be alone and think but i won't get that here. I have lost my income and had to leave without notice so no monies due, so please no suggestions about 'go to a hotel for a few days' type of thing. My mother is very stressed and my father is blaming me for merely being here with my problems, though as i said, i've played them down, and have not talked to her much, because she just doesnt do that type of thing well. There is constant criticism and reminders of 'well we are putting a roof over your head and feeding you' that type of thing. I just try and keep out of their way. I have no savings, ex just took all my money for his booze, fags, drugs etc. Basically clipped my wings. I have overdraft and thats it..but nothing coming in. Parents are pushing me to get a job and i've only been back 6 days and need time to get over shock / adjust / accept/ get over trauma of the last 4 months of hell...i'm not sleeping and keep shaking and crying, how on earth could i cope with a job right now (or interview) when my health, self esteem and confidence is so low.
Just not coping, feel so very alone



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lololizzySun 10-Feb-13 19:29:30

i just feel like an adult baby, totally humiliated and the world's biggest failure for being back with parents instead of being able to take care of self (couldnt stay where i was working, would need London rent for that, was on minimum wage, and didnt want to be anywhere near him) Parents just think i can come back and walk straight into a new life, just like that

[tribpot]

OP I think this Ted talk might help you understand why other women like you end up in a cycle of abuse from which they struggle to break free.

You really really need the support of people who've been where you are, I truly hope WA can help you.

I'm assuming your ex has isolated you from friends (the standard MO) and so you don't have anyone you could go and stay with for a night, just to get some space?

Are you registered with a GP Practice near your house? You should be as a matter of course anyway but I think it's particularly important in your case. You may need some short term support, e.g. to help you sleep.

[lololizzy]

doc is 50 miles away hence registering back with family doc..and no guarantee i can be even seen in a WEEKS time...its nuts. so frustrating. Im only just hooking up with old friends again. didnt make friends back in that town with him..yep he isolated me