Do i have it out with DM once and for all or keep my feelings bottled up?? Long post!

[Peanutbutternutter419]

Hi, so a bit of background...

Me and DM used to have a fab relationship until we had a big falling out over her DH and our wedding which resulted in him not coming. We had it all out about a month after the wedding and she made it clear she was sticking by her DH. Fair enough... Except as time goes by, relatives keep telling me about things that happened on our wedding day such as him getting drunk and calling her saying he was going to set the house on fire and threatening my Godmothers DH when he escorted my mum home (at 7pm) to check everything was ok.

Anyway fast forward my DS birth...i told her i would call her if i wanted her there but otherwise it was to be me and my DSis there only. She turned up whilst i was in labour and talked her way into my room minutes after DS was born and me and DH were having our special moment with DS.

This really upset me but ihavent mentioned it to keep the peace but lately everything is just building up and making me really despise her no matter how hard she is trying to rebuild our relationship.
When i have offered to bring DS to hers, she has shot me down saying her DH would rather i didnt.

I just dont know if it has gone too far now to bother bringing up all the stories i hear about the wedding and then about her being out of order by just turning up at the hospital ir if i should just talk about it? Advice is greatly appreciated as my DH cant understand how i am still talking to her (even though they 'get on' for my sake).

"she has shot me down saying her DH would rather i didnt."

She's made her (wrong) choice.

Leave her to it.

She doesn't respect you, or anything to do with you. Her H sounds like a twat. Leave them to it.

She won't come to her senses if you all ignore this crap.

She turned up whilst i was in labour and talked her way into my room minutes after DS was born and me and DH were having our special moment with DS.

You have of course complained to your NH Trust about this havent you?

There would be No point in bringing anything up with het, she'll never see anyone's point of view but her own.

Worse, she could use it against you.

Thank you..yes her H is a twat...everyone in the family saw his other side during this whole fiasco. I havent complained as i havent even told her how upset i am about it.

I think i am more upset also because i really thought my PIL were going to be the nightmare coming to hospital, wanting to be around all the time but they have been fabulous! I just cant explain how much i respect them!

The other thing is that when talking about babysitters, my DH has said that he doesnt want my mum looking after DS because of everything that has happened. She wouldnt be my first choice but i dont want to think that she'll never get to look after him.

She was pushed out of my DN's life a bit because of her ways and i feel bad for her if i do the same.

Just feel really torn!

She has only herself to blame.

If you feel bad for her, she will use that kind impulse of yours to step all over your boundaries and get her way, at your expense.

Time to start feeling that you are responsible for her feelings, and start sticking up for your own.

It's ok to set limits, even with a parent. For your own (and no DC's) sake, you must.

and now* DC's sake

time to stop* feeling that you are responsible for her feelings

(goodness I should re-read before I post!)

Look at your lovely ds and ask yourself this. Would you ever allow your husband or any other man to come between your and your child? You wouldn't, would you? And yet your Mum is allowing her twat of a husband to come between you.
She is bringing this all on herself. It's not up to you to make her understand.

No dont have it out with her. You will give her fuel for the ' my-daughter-so-ungrateful-and-I-am-a-martyr drama'.

She may in time come to realise what she is missing...but she wont if you continue to allow her to mistreat you.
Being brought up by a mother like that, it is likely that you have a misplaced sense of loyalty and difficulty maintaining your own boundaries. Work on that.

As with all dysfunctional relationships, detach, detach, detach.

"She was pushed out of my DN's life a bit because of her ways"

And no wonder considering how she has acted and continues to put her H (is he your stepfather?) before anyone else. History is now repeating itself.

Forget trying to rebuild anything with her because such a process has to be two way and emotionally dysfunctional people like your mother do not play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations. She has not apologised to date I daresay nor actually taken any responsibility for their actions.

Such people as well make for beign really crap grandparents as well; I would think very carefully about permitting her to have any sort of access to your child. You certainly need to raise your own boundaries with your mother a lot higher than they currently are. She will use your own kindness to get back at you. Detach and stay out of the FOG - fear, obligation, guilt.

I, too, have a nightmare parent. Have had it out on a couple of occasions. Promised to change, etc, etc. Relationship was OK for a short while, then went back to how it was.

porridge is right. Detach, detach, detach. Don't give her the fuel to flame you with. It's sad, but I think you just have to learn to live with the fact that she isn't the mother that you wished she would be. She won't be any good for your DC. There must be a reason that she's not very involved in DN's life?

I do feel for you. I don't see my parent now, even though they're in hospital atm. They treated DH, me and DC very badly. Other parent did stick with them for a while, but can now see what a manipulative and completely selfish person "bad" parent is. I'm still sad for what I kind of think I'm missing, but what I'm missing is all in my head and the reality is/was not like that.

I sit here reading your replies and its all what my DH has been saying but i always just thought that he was saying it to get her out of mu life but i now realise how awful she really is, even though she appears to be the 'mother of the year'.

I think she feels badly about the way she behaved/s but cant change her ways for fear of her H leaving her if she stood up for us. I always feel bad because at the end of the day...shes my mum. She should be the most important person in my life aside from DH and DS now.

Ahe doesnt see DN as for example, on DNs 1st bday she rang my brother and said she wouldnt be coming over to see her that day as her H had had a minor op on his nose the day before and was still feeling groggy... This is just one example. My bro and SIL had a falling out with her about their wedding...surprise surprise about her 'D'H.

When i look at my DS...i couldnt imagine ever putting him second. He is my whole world and it has put things majorly into perspective now hence the post!

Sorry REALLY LONG POST!!

I'd leave it for a while. My Mum was difficult quite a lot of the time and brought out the worst in me so I was probably quite difficult some of the time with her. I don't think there is any such thing as having it out with a Mother once and for all. It just doesn't work. But that's only my opinion. Just accept she will do things that annoy you and vice versa. I agree with people who say there is no point in wishing for a dream mother daughter relationship.

Sorry can I add. That personally speaking I don't think it's a good idea not to allow your child to have a relationship with your Mum. Because My DD got on quite well with my Mum. (My Mum died a few years ago) And that helped things a bit. But only you can decide what's best in your circumstances re your DC.

Thanka viviennemary. She comes to see me and DS every week and ill send her pics of him in between as i dont want her to miss out on his life. I want him to know his nanny even if things are strained with us. DH has always said though that he doesnt want her to look after our DS on her own as he doesnt want her influence on him. What do i say to that? My MIL isnt perfect and in the past we've had our own issues but i love her to bits now an she the doting GM but even if she wasnt i wouldnt say she could never have him on her own?