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Original poster

I'm gay - partner wants life to stay the same

52 replies

redrobin030 · 01/02/2013 22:58

hi this is my first ever post so please be gentle with me. The last few months have been very difficult as I have come to terms with the realisation that i am gay. I have a partner whom i have been with for almost 18 years and i have been entirely honest with him over this time but there are lots of reasons why i wish to seperate. I know this is terribly difficult for him to process and although we are still living in the same house i feel we should make some rules to establish this change in our relationship. I don't think it is fair to pretend that nothing has changed or that the issue of my sexuality is going to disappear at some point. I have three DCs and this is why as well as for financial reasons why we have decided to stay in the same house.
The trouble is is i do not know how long i can bear this situation. We do get on but there is often alot of conflict. He can be quite domineering and this leads to problems with our DCs. Although i do an enormous amount in the house and for the children ( i do work part-time but do not earn much), i don't get alot of freedom.
I have to instigate talking about our changing relationship and i really feel he is not going to budge. He doesn't want anything to change and i understand this but it makes me panic because i need my life to develop.

OP posts:
wellhellobeautiful · 01/02/2013 23:01

Wow, we'll you've dropped this bombshell on him and you want him to just deal with it and let you get on with your new life right under his nose?

It's all about you isnt it?

If you want to end the relationship and start a new life then I think you should be the one to leave tbh.

Bobbybird40 · 01/02/2013 23:08

So the last 18 years of his life have been a lie? Cool, I'm sure he will deal with it.

MajesticWhine · 01/02/2013 23:10

What kind of rule changes did you have in mind? For example, do you mean having separate bedrooms? Or something like, he stays home with the DC, whilst you go out with your new girlfriend? The former sounds reasonable, as a temporary measure until you can afford to separate. Whereas the latter sounds a bit cruel.

cheeseandpineapple · 01/02/2013 23:12

He's in denial.

Counselling?

AnyFucker · 01/02/2013 23:13

What changes are you talking about, bearing in mind you are planning on still sharing the same living space ?

Southeastdweller · 01/02/2013 23:16

To be clear, has he only known you were gay since you told him three months ago? Have you been honest with him over the time of the three months or the 18 years?

bringmeroses · 01/02/2013 23:18

Redrobin what do you mean 'I don't get a lot of freedom'?

What changes do you want? How do you want your life to develop? Put yourself in his shoes. You have decided to live together for the sake of DCs and money and perhaps the compromise you make for this is having to be a bit subtle about any new relationship which would be appropriate when breaking up but still living together in any situation IMO.

Do you already have a new partner?

Be more specific about what you're asking of him, you can see from his POV it's a crushing thing to deal with.

Mimishimi · 02/02/2013 00:04

So he has to support you financially whilst you go out and cheat on him?

SolidGoldBrass · 02/02/2013 00:08

You do not need his permission or his agreement to end the relationship. When you say that he is resisting change, is he still demanding to have sex on you? Or does he just want you to carry on doing all the domestic work?

Devora · 02/02/2013 00:28

Some really harsh responses here. So far as I can see, the OP hasn't said she wants to be financially dependent, or have affairs while living with her dp, or indeed that she has been living a lie.

OP, you might want to also try posting for advice on a lesbian forum like Gingerbeer. Best of luck to you in navigating a way through this.

Original poster
redrobin030 · 02/02/2013 00:29

My partner has always known about my sexuality, i have never been straight. When we first became friends, i was completely out and gradually we fell in love. We are good friends. I do not have a girlfriend - i had a friendship with someone whom i fell in love with although nothing happened. It was unexpected and i ended up having a breakdown and realising i had been depressed for a long time. I have always been honest about things with my partner, not just in the last few months and i am quite able to support my family myself - he does not earn much. I have always done the best i can for my partner and my family. I am not young - i do not think it would be easy for me to find someone else. Are people suggesting that i stay in this relationship even though it is not healthy? I am trying to make things work for everyone. I feel very judged and wish i had not posted. I don't want to be gay, i wish i wasn't, i wish everything could stay the same as well just like my partner.

OP posts:
Devora · 02/02/2013 00:35

redrobin, you deserve better than you got on this thread. Why not leave it for tonight, get some sleep, and try again tomorrow on the lesbian and gay threads?

Yours is a complicated situation and I think you should talk it through with a gay-friendly counsellor. Maybe talk to Lesbian and Gay Switchboard in the first place?

fireandlife · 02/02/2013 00:36

I hope you're OK following these responses. This must be difficult for you all. You have clearly wanted to do the best for your family. I wish you the very best.

Original poster
redrobin030 · 02/02/2013 00:42

Thank-you for the last 2 responses. I think i will stick to lesbian and gay threads and gay switchboard is a good idea, thanks .

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 02/02/2013 00:50

The first posters replying to this thread should be ashamed of themselves, FFS.

Red, you're being perfectly reasonable in wanting - and needing - life to change. And you don't have to stay in the same house, you know. Relationships break down all the time, for all kinds of reasons. If you decide it will be healthier for you mentally to be in a separate home from you ex, then don't let guilty over your sexuality hold you back on that front.

There is a gay parents board on here I think, and there are bound to be others out on the web as well.

Every luck for the future, and much happiness.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/02/2013 01:22

Your partner sounds like an abusive cocklodger TBH. He doesn't earn much, he bullies you, he doesn't want you to leave... Did you take up with him because you were surrounded by homophobic people, or did he target you because you were vulnerable and he reckoned he could 'straighten you out'?

FarelyKnuts · 02/02/2013 01:44

redrobin, some of the responses on here have been unnecessarily harsh and horrible!

I agree with SirBoobAlot. Please try the lesbian and gay threads and reach out there.

Take care

mum11970 · 02/02/2013 04:52

Sorry but your partner must have at least thought you we're bi' don't put all the blame on him. You've had your children and now decided your gay, hardly fair on him. No, I'm not homophobic but if you've hidden your true feelings over the last 18 years then it is all of your own making. If this was reversed most men would be given a hard time for not admitting his true feelings earlier.

Yamyoid · 02/02/2013 05:05

Mum11970, did you not read the thread? Her partner has always known.
Op, just wanted to show my support as you seem to be getting so much negativity. I hope you get some good advice on another board.

MidnightMasquerader · 02/02/2013 05:13

Confused redrobin has already said that her partner has always known about her sexuality.

Why do people come onto a thread to be horrible and then not even read the details?

Honestly - I always thought the rellies board was a nice, sympathetic, understanding place... It might be better to re-post this where people are a bit more empathetic, and get it.

mum11970 · 02/02/2013 05:40

Just because the op says she's always known about her sexuality, doesn't mean that's what her partner has always known unless spelt out exactly. Why on earth would her dh go tnrough 18 years of marriage and 3 children if he knew she was gay. It's nothing to do with sexuality, just honesty.

MidnightMasquerader · 02/02/2013 06:10

From redrobin's second post:

My partner has always known about my sexuality, i have never been straight.

Mimishimi · 02/02/2013 06:57

What sort of rules would you like to see established? When you say that you don't get a lot of freedom, is he actually restricting it or that you feel tied down by other responsibilities at home? It must be awful for him, perhaps he thought your sexuality was teenage experimentation since you did fall in love, marry and have three children with him. Honestly, I think living separately would be your only option. It will be difficult for either of you to meet new partners if you are still living together.

50shadesofmeh · 02/02/2013 09:02

The fact you are gay is here nor there , The advice would be the same if you want your relationship to end then you need to end it with him , without spelling it out to him how can you expect him to react.
I think it's unfair if you expected to carry on another life while living in the same house as him.

Newyearoldmum · 02/02/2013 09:10

I agree that you have been treated harshly here OP. however I think it's a bit naive to expect all of you to continue living in the same house and it all to be fine and happy. You need to be you, which means you need your own space. Your partner needs the same so he can move on - this ultimately should mean happier parents for your children.

Honestly hope you get things sorted, good luck