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Original poster

it was just a series of platonic kisses (with tongues)

38 replies

circlecircles · 31/01/2013 23:07

I'd never done it before but my gut told me something had happened. I checked w's email icloud account and found a series of messages revealing an affair between my w and her work colleague. I challenged w without revealing I new about the emails hoping that w would come clean - she didn't until she knew she'd been busted. "It was just a series of afternoon coffees and drinks after work over the last three months, it was platonic, we did kiss (with tongues) a couple of times but our bodies didn't touch and there was no fondling - it was purely platonic not sexual at all". I think this is BS. Could I be wrong?

OP posts:
ObscuredByClouds · 31/01/2013 23:13

Platonic kisses with tongues?! That's a new one on me I'm afraid.

nomoreminibreaks · 31/01/2013 23:16

I don't kiss any of my friends - with or without tongues.

VoiceofUnreason · 31/01/2013 23:19

Leave the bitch.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/01/2013 23:27

Nope. Sorry that is bullshit. What would upset me is she clearly doesn't respect you if she expects you to fall for that bollocks.

MrsPoglesWood · 31/01/2013 23:29

Nope. You have platonic kisses with your Dad, Brother, Sister, Grandparent etc. Platonic kisses never involve tongues. Ever. But you know that I think.

queenofthepirates · 31/01/2013 23:32

With tongues????!!!!
Not okay in a marriage

RedPencils · 31/01/2013 23:34

Platonic = friendly.
Tongues = snogging
Why hasn't she told you? When I meet up with a male platonic friend I would kiss them on the cheek. And I wouldn't hide it from DH.

So sorry

Original poster
circlecircles · 31/01/2013 23:39

Yep, you are all right, just had to have the obvious pointed out to me. Thing is, I'm truly devastated.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 01/02/2013 00:02

So sorry for you circles. I think you need to tell her to come clean.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/02/2013 00:17

Sorry circles. It's really shit. What will you do?

maras2 · 01/02/2013 00:25

Sorry circles.She's not telling the truth.

scaevola · 01/02/2013 00:38

I think it's very likely she is minimising what happened.

But even if it had not moved beyond her description, it kissing full on the mouth would be a betrayal to me, especially when combined with the dishonesty of secret meetings. Infidelity is very much in the eye of the betrayed: do you think she crossed into affair territory (whether emotionally or physically)?

badinage · 01/02/2013 00:48

There's probably much more to this than she's even admitted.

In those few seconds while she was frantically trying to lie her way out of it, she would have been remembering what messages were on her iphone and therefore what you could prove.

My hunch is that the messages only talked about snogs, so that's all she admitted to.

There's no such thing as a platonic snog.

Original poster
circlecircles · 01/02/2013 00:56

I think my mistake was to confront her as soon as I saw the emails. I should have got a better understanding of the full extent of the relationship rather than naively thinking she would honestly tell all. But anyway, yes, she's had an affair and I think it was physical but very short. She's made a huge mistake and destroyed a 15yr marriage for absolutely nothing.

OP posts:
minkembra · 01/02/2013 00:58

Sounds like she is not very remorseful as she is saying 'only' to play down something that is clearly not on.

I doubt she'd take same view if you were platonically kissing one of her friends. not that i am suggesting that...just that she needs to take good look at herself and ask him she would feel.

For me it's not the cheating that is vile it's the lies and the cowardice of people would rather save their own skin/face that take the shame of proper admission of guilt when they get caught.

Sorry this has happened. hope she takes a tumble to herself and realised you deserve more consideration.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/02/2013 01:01

If it is 'just' snogging and secret meetings would you stay in the marriage? Because if this is the deal-breaker you don't need to know what else went on. I'm sorry but kissing is incredibly intimate. That would be enough for me. It wasn't a one-off stupid action. It was pre-planned and sober.

badinage · 01/02/2013 01:04

The trouble is OP that probably right now the only mistake she thinks she's made is being caught, especially as she's still lying.

I know couples who've got past something like this, but only when the whole truth was on the table and the people who'd cheated did a lot of work on themselves to change their behaviour.

When did you find out about this? Do you know yet whether you want to try to forgive and does she want to stay in the marriage and end the affair?

Original poster
circlecircles · 01/02/2013 01:17

emails found on Monday but discussions have stretched out till today to keep it away from our boy. She's ended the affair. It's sunk in that she's obliterated a good 15yr marriage for a quick thrill. What a total f up. I feel like I should forgive her for my boy's sake and her's because she's frankly an idiot.

OP posts:
badinage · 01/02/2013 01:26

If this happened on Monday, you're in no fit state yet to think about actual forgiveness.

You can however work towards making a decision about whether to stay and try to forgive, but hold off from making any decisions just yet until you find out all the truth.

In my observation, it never ever works out if you're staying for the children. It only ever works if you're staying because you love her and don't want to lose her - and even then it doesn't work out unless the other person is willing to change.

Xales · 01/02/2013 07:56

Cheaters tend to lie massively when originally caught.

It was just a kiss.

OK it was a kiss and a little group.

OK it was just once in a hotel but I felt so bad I couldn't/had to stop.

They never just come out and say yeah we have been at it like rabbit,on my desk,back seat of his/her car and so on.

Please consider going to an STI clinic and if you stay together make sure she dies to.

I think it is tougher as you are male and I presume your wife is the main carer meaning you could lose time with your son if she got nasty.

Good luck with what ever you decide.

birdofthenorth · 01/02/2013 08:01

Sorry for your sad discovery OP. Hope you can work it out but don't pressurise yourself to do if overnight.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 01/02/2013 08:08

"I feel like I should forgive her for my boy's sake and her's because she's frankly an idiot."

Whether she's an idiot is debatable. She certainly thinks you're an idiot if you fall for the 'platonic with tongues' rubbish. Do give yourself some time to think about this properly. Ask her to go away for a while if it helps. If you forgive this too easily without any changes on her part, it'll happen again.

GregBishopsBottomBitch · 01/02/2013 08:12

She has no respect for you, for cheating in the first place, now shes bullshitting, i dont kiss my friends with tongues, she obviously thinks your a twat, thinking you'll believe that.

bodencatalogue · 01/02/2013 08:13

Hi circlescircles really sorry to hear what you are going through. It's not platonic whatever has gone on and you might not want to know the full extent if you want your marriage to succeed.

I was in a similar situation 10 years ago. I caught my wife at the early stages of an affair. We are happily married now. You can work through it if it is something that you both want to do. I will say however that I doubt you will ever trust her completely again.

If it has sunk in that she has made a f up then that's a good thing.

The way I tend to look at is that people do make mistakes, they do get their head turned, both men and women and if you feel you have a relationship worth saving (outside of the fact that you have a son) then it is worth giving it a go.

I would lay the law down that you will not be taken for a fool in future and I would think about asking her to leave you and your son for a weekend "just so that you can get think about it" whereas actually what you want her do is to think about what she stands to lose.

Forgiving her will be an ongoing and possibly lengthy process in my experience and also I wouldn't dwell on the whole thing too much in the future if you do decide to stay together.

Hope that helps.

minkembra · 01/02/2013 08:28

xales making sure she dies is surely a wee bit extreme Wink

not to mention 'a little group' Shock