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Relationships

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Original poster

Terrified of resuming sex!

55 replies

abi2790 · 20/01/2013 22:59

Hi everyone! As the title says I'm terrified of having sex for the first time after birth seven weeks ago. My partner has been giving hints for weeks and of course I've explained why I didn't want to and why I wasn't ready. Now it's different. I feel ready physically but I don't know if I'm there emotionally yet. How do I get past this? I feel if I listen to my brain then we will never do it! I'm terrified it will hurt, I'm breastfeeding so I don't want my boobies leaking and I feel ugly because of my really horrible stretch marks! Should I just do it and then it's over with and I have nothing to worry about? Arrrgghh confused face :(

OP posts:

Utterlylostandneedtogo · 20/01/2013 23:04

Don't do anything you don't want to do. He had a hand he can use, however I would say don't leave it too long, at least not the cuddling and touching. Penetration can come a lot later down the line.

RokerFace · 20/01/2013 23:07

Aw, the first time after childbirth can be so emotional so don't be too hard on yourself.

Sounds like you are struggling to come to terms with your changing body but can I quote something you said back to yourself my partner has been giving hints for weeks. Sounds to me like your DP still finds you attractive sweetheart!

Do you feel able to suggest to your DP that maybe "full" sex is a bit too full on for you at the moment due to sleepless nights, shock to the system after childbirth, hormones dancing about but maybe you could start buildng up to it over a few weeks by cuddling, massaging first, maybe even oral / masturbation sex when you start to feel more confident.

Hope everything works out for you

RokerFace · 20/01/2013 23:14

But it important that you are in control so if you say just cuddling for tonight, that he doesn't try to push it further x

Flisspaps · 20/01/2013 23:58

DS is 9mo.

I've only really felt like sex since I stopped EBF, a few weeks ago.

If you don't feel like sex, don't do it. It's that simple.

facebookaddictno9 · 21/01/2013 00:08

OP if you feel ready start gently, lots of kissing and cuddling, oils are great fun and help with nerves etc.

I've 4 DCs and consider a sex life an important part of our relationship - I wouldn't be happy of DH didn't want it so i wouldnt just switch off to the idea myswlf..

It will be fine - I would discuss though that he needs room be fine if you ask him to stop midway if it feels too much too soon.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 00:12

You are 7 weeks post partum and your partner has been giving hints for weeks

how many weeks has he been pressuring you ?

tell him to back off until you are ready...don't be pushed into something you are not ready for

for various reasons too boring to explain here my husband has had to forgo penetrative sex for 4 lots of 1 whole year at a time

his dick didn't drop off, and yes we now have an active sex life

take your time, love

facebookaddictno9 · 21/01/2013 00:16

tbf - its different for everyone - it was 3 weeks with last DC - but I like the closeness - I personally miss sex.

OP you decide but I highly recommend oils if you do want to - makes things fun.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 00:18

"oils" (whatever they are) won't make someone ready who isn't ready

AlreadyScone · 21/01/2013 00:20

All this talk of "oils" is making me feel a bit odd.

Flisspaps · 21/01/2013 00:21

"Fun" for who?

If someone had suggested I get some oils in the last 9 months, I'd have merrily told them to shove their oils where the sun doesn't shine.

BF hormones can make your libido go through the floor. In fact, I think they're supposed to.

Do nothing until you're ready. You've just grown and birthed a person. You're still nourishing and growing that person! Sex can sodding well wait if you're not sure.

Numberlock · 21/01/2013 00:22

Roker I didn't read that comment about dropping hints for weeks in a positive way at all...

facebookaddictno9 · 21/01/2013 00:22

no they don't make anyone ready - of course not - massage oils - I use aother of essential oils in day to day life.

What they do do, is encourage foreplay, make sex fun and also help lubricate which helps with nerves.

I used my bolding deliberately and was also basing my post on listening to OP when she says she feels ready

AlreadyScone · 21/01/2013 00:23

Oh X posts.

OP, take your time. DH went through the raging hormones of puberty for several years and (one assumes) coped without penetrative sex. It took me ages to want it after my births.

facebookaddictno9 · 21/01/2013 00:24

I'll add as i have cross posted that I use essential oils for all sorts - tea tree for cleaning, in burners all day, for natural healing - not just sex - I am a bit of a hippy like that.

Utterlylostandneedtogo · 21/01/2013 00:24

I'd say maintaining intimacy post partum is very important. Sex can be ver much off the agenda (as in piv) but cuddles, touching and kissing as well as talking can very much be on the agenda, with a heavy focusing on the talking

facebookaddictno9 · 21/01/2013 00:25

fliss fun for both of us - but as I buy them - of my own accord - it stems from me.

Flisspaps · 21/01/2013 00:30

I know what oils are for!

But if you don't feel like sex post partum then why on earth would you want to get all oiled up, have foreplay, and all the time have one ear out for a baby who'll be near the bed and probably need feeding whilst you're greasier than a chip shop chip.

It's just an added bloody pressure - a normal sex life will resume at some point, why the need to get on with it so soon?

facebookaddictno9 · 21/01/2013 00:34

you asked!

i do feel like it - I don't use them particularly post partum - I dont need them, but I found it helped me - when I wanted to resume my sex life after dc1 to focus on foreplay rather than penetrative sex and I was recommend the extra lubricant.

as I have already said I use a lot of essential oils in day to day life - and I like a nice massage - regardless of whether sex come at the end.

I read the OP saying she feels physically ready so just wanted to offer her some practical tips.

and if you do use the right oils you don't end up greasy.

AlreadyScone · 21/01/2013 00:41

Okay if we concede that oils are fine amongst consenting and desiring adults, can that be the end of the oils, please? We have an OP here who is nervous about resuming sex post-partum, without giving her tangents to worry about.

OP, when you want to have sex again, that will be exactly the right time to have sex again. Don't be scared, all kinds of "normal" areas of life are disrupted by the arrival of a baby. You can't even have a satisfying wee in peace half the time.

facebookaddictno9 · 21/01/2013 00:50

Lol.

OP it is nerve wracking the first time (even after 4), I have an agreement with DH that things stop when I say - sex post baby can feel a bit - overwhelming - and so DH knows I can and will say - its too much.

You need to feel ready, practically it helpsif baby has had a good feed and sleeping for a few hours.

Also your fears 're leaky books, stretch marks, etc.

I've been literally pregnant or breastfeeding for 5 years with at last 2 more to go, I'm 2 clothes sizes bigger and lot greyer.

DH finds me as attractive as day we met - he says the lumps and bumps (my words not his) make him love me more because our babies put them there.

Enjoy the baby moon - it flies by.

Original poster

abi2790 · 21/01/2013 05:52

Still confused! Lol. I think I'm just missing being closed to oh because we don't really kiss or anything. I don't think I'm quite ready for sex but I think oh is more bothered about whethered I'm physically ready rather than asking me how I feel about it!

OP posts:

RokerFace · 21/01/2013 10:33

number The OP was concerned that her DP wouldn't find her attractive so I pointed out that he obviously still does. The pressure she feels doesn't seem to come from her DP but from herself and what she feels she ought to be like.

Numberlock · 21/01/2013 10:38

The pressure she feels doesn't seem to come from her DP

My partner has been giving hints for weeks

I am reading it differently, Roker. The baby's only 7 weeks old and the partner's being 'dropping hints' for weeks? What, since they were on their way home from the delivery suite? To me that reads as he thinks it's about time his 'needs' were being met. I don't like the sound of it.

AnyFucker · 21/01/2013 10:42

Me neither, NL. It's strange how different people read things differently though. To me, a partner "dropping hints for weeks" at only 7 weeks post partum is applying unwelcome pressure.

Even if "weeks" means 2 weeks, it's still far too soon to start turning the screw.

Numberlock · 21/01/2013 10:52

I also don't like the sound of 'dropping hints'. Absolutely fine for him to say he is looking forward to the day when they are ready to resume a sexual relationship, how proud and happy he is to be a dad and will wait as long as necessary etc etc.

But what does 'dropping hints' actually mean? Telling her how horny he is (hate that word by the way), unwanted advances, coming onto her when she's doing household tasks?

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