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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blackmail or Extortion? ExH says he wont hand over dc tomorrow unless I give him money!!

46 replies

MsSavingPennies · 04/01/2013 21:37

This is an update to an earlier post a few days ago.

Tonight I got a text from my ExH who has had my DC For the last two nights. He now says he will not hand him over tomorrow unless I hand over the money owing to my dc. He is referring to the child benefit I receive.

I have had numverous texts over the last week demanding my child benefit number so he can claim it or to hand over money to him to buy clothes. I have kept all the text messages he sent.

We have no legal care agreement as he refused to accept any of it. I am legally separated, I just couldn't afford a divorce :( I have received child benefit since my ds was a baby. I am right in saying this identifies me as the main carer? He has constantly told me he won't pay for things because I receive child benefit even though he is paid a good salary, and now he says our dc has nothing to wear that fits? In my home my dc has a wardrobe of clothes that fit! The previous post explains more. I spoke to the online benefits helpline earlier in the week and told them he was blackmailing me for child benefit and gave them details.

I can't get a solicitors appt until next week.

What can I do? I intend to go there tomorrow to collect him. If he refuses to hand him over do I call the police? I have no idea re the law in this respect.

Why after years of separation can he just not let me live in peace?

I hope that made sense.

OP posts:
dishwashervodkaanddietirnbru · 04/01/2013 21:44

could you contact the police on the non-emergency number and see what they say - tell them about the blackmail too

dishwashervodkaanddietirnbru · 04/01/2013 21:45

101 - non emergency number available 24/7 so you could call them now for advice

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 21:48

Definitely call the police if he carries out his threat. Goes without saying that you never let him go back there either. I'm appalled

Original poster
MsSavingPennies · 04/01/2013 21:49

Thanks you. I have been calm up until now. I can't believe that he is doing this!

OP posts:
Lueji · 04/01/2013 21:49

Kidnapping more like it.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 21:49

BTW... withholding a child from their mother against their will and the will of the mother... the law that applies here, I suspect, would be 'false imprisonment'.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 21:51

You have to get a divorce btw. Work three jobs, max out a credit card, whatever it takes you have to legally excise this malignant cancer from your life.

MatureUniStudent · 04/01/2013 21:52

Oh you poor thing - I used to have him on the doorstep telling me that if I didn't pay him, he wouldn't take the waiting, listening, excitedly assembled children out. He earns in the 40% tax bracket and pays no maintenance etc.

So be strong - if he dosen't return the children, hold firm. He will be bored of them soon.

See it for what it is - his desperate panic because he owes someone something or wants the money to feed an addiction or something. Rememver his scorn at you, that he thinks you stupid enough to fall for his overbearing and harrassing threats.

He sees you as an easy touch, something that owes him something - you refusing to do as he tells you, enrages him. But you must hold firm. (I say this with no mortgage paid and the threat, yet oh yet again that I will lose the house. Done each time to punish/control - who knows what to me).

I'd go and collect the children. If he won't give them, walk away. Come home. He will return them when he realises you WONT be moved. Do let us know how it goes?

Sunnywithshowers · 04/01/2013 21:53

That's awful, OP. Definitely call the police for advice and get rid of this man.

Xales · 04/01/2013 21:54

My understanding is that if you both have parental responsibility and one of you is not legally down as having residency then there is actually nothing the police can do.

He is not doing anything illegal by keeping them away from you.

The police can go and ask for him to return them but I don't think they have any powers to removed them if he refuses.

You need to get to the courts first thing on Monday (I don't think they are open Saturday are they?) and get the paperwork handed in to make you legally and officially the one with residency.

Once this is done the police can have the power to enforce a return to you.

I am sure someone will be along soon with all the actual information, sorry, I am only putting down from what I remember about previous threads on here. Sad

Original poster
MsSavingPennies · 04/01/2013 21:56

Cognito you are right. I can't wait 2 years now to divorce. It is escallating, he has gone too far this time....

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 21:59

He sounds unhinged, frankly. Whether he's committing a crime or not, if he refuses to hand over your son I would still call the police and say you're worried about your child's safety. Up the ante and get it on record that he's unstable. It will help when you get that divorce.

tribpot · 04/01/2013 22:00

Please do phone the police. Can anyone go with you to do the pick up?

There's something seriously wrong the guy - he is obsessed with this bloody child benefit. Yet would he even qualify for the benefit if it was paid to him?? (Not that this is really the point).

Original poster
MsSavingPennies · 04/01/2013 22:02

If the police cannot help, I do not want to leave my dc with him, I know he is manipulating him, and poisoning his mind. My dc already turned to me and said I had to pay for something because I received child benefit! I know my dc wouldn't say that himself. He wants for nothing from me

OP posts:
Xales · 04/01/2013 22:03

He is doing it for a response. The only reason is to control and hurt you.

Don't back down over the money.

Stay strong. Giving in is handing yourself to him to control on a plate.

Do report it to the police as Cognito says. Even if they can't do anything it is getting his name down more in the system.

Keep the texts nice of him to give you an evidence trail rather than a phone call he can dispute shows he isn't that smart!

Chubfuddler · 04/01/2013 22:03

I don't understand. Surely he should be paying you maintenance not trying to extort your child benefit from you.

I'd phone the police and say your child is being kept from you and you fear for his safety.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 04/01/2013 22:03

Have you got someone you take with you with tomorrow? Safety in numbers etc. And you won't be sending your DS back will you?

Hassled · 04/01/2013 22:05

What proportion of the week are they usually with him - what's the % split? Do you get any maintenance?

I agree you should ring 101 for support.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 04/01/2013 22:05

And go to the CSa for child support as well. And get a contact agreement in place, just keep them if he refuses to agree to one - then he can approach the court for one and it will be legally agreed.

izzyizin · 04/01/2013 22:08

How old is/are the dc?

Original poster
MsSavingPennies · 04/01/2013 22:09

tribpot - you are right he is becoming obsessed over the child benefit. I have asked someone to go with me but to stay back, I don't want to provoke him.

Cogito - He is acting irrationally.

OP posts:
WeAreEternal · 04/01/2013 22:17

You need to call 101 in the morning, make them awear of the situation and that at X time you will be going to collect DS, as arranged but that EXP has told you that unless you pay him he will keep DS against your will, and that if this happens they should be expecting your call and ready to come and assist you.

What is the (informal) custody arrangement?

If your DS lives with you for more than 50% of the time then you are his primary carer and only you are entitled to the CB, if he wants to challenge that tell him to make a claim himself and see how far he gets.

I've read your previous posts and you definitely need this man out of your life, why have you not persued a csa claim against him?

If he think your DS needs new clothes tell him to go and buy something for his some for once in his pathetic life.
Does he even know how much CB is? You han hardly buy anything with it, they way he goes on you would think it was £££ a week not £80 a month.

DontYouJingleMyChristingle · 04/01/2013 22:21

Ms it might be worth posting on legal for advice too.

We were going to switch over cb when dh stopped being SAHD, and I became sahm and they wouldn't do it and they won't even speak to me as I am not the name on the cb so he cannot claim it off you just by having cb number, this is all threats and intimidation.

Call 101 to get some advice as others have said.

izzyizin · 04/01/2013 22:22

Xales is correct in saying that if your exH doesn't hand your ds over tomorrow there is nothing the police can do to compel him unless your ds wishes to leave his df's home.

Am I right in thinking your ds is a teenager? In which case, he's free to vote with his feet and my guess is he'll do so.

Needless to say, leave your purse at home and, if you haven't already done so, sic CSA onto this twunt.

Original poster
MsSavingPennies · 04/01/2013 22:24

DC is a teen.

Control - yes I think it's a factor. I think he does want a response and I am not giving him one tonight.

Child benefit agency say I am entitled to the money, I told them all the details. ExH is free to contest it if he wishes, it is their decision re entitlement. For the last few years when my son has school trips, out of school activities, needed a bike for cycling at school, needed shoes, jacket, or a school inform. All I got was 'you pay for it you get child benefit and I did pay for all of these things. In my book those are not the actions of a father who cares at all for his child? Yet my son wants contact....

OP posts: