Is it best to tell a friend if they've upset you?

[MrsMangelfanciedPaulRobinson]

Am in two minds about what to do. A friend has upset me, not for the first time I hasten to add. Before I tackled her about it and she improved for a year or so and now has slipped back into old habits. To briefly sum it up, she wants me to listen to her problems all the time and if I ever want to talk about anything about me she brushes it off and changes the subject. She did this last night about something I wanted to talk about. Bear in mind that in the past month she has had a (nother) problem and I have spent hours and hours on the phone to her late at night.

Do I phase her out or do I tackle her? I'm in two minds. In one way I feel she's had her chance to improve things, and in other ways I feel I'd be being unfair to just stop bothering with her without giving her another chance to sort out her behaviour.

I would probably just phase someone like that out, because she probably wouldn't change if you told her anyway

I'm not sure that she couldn't change. Maybe no one has ever told her about how self-absorbed she is? She might be mortified enough to hear how you feel about her to be much more mindful in future.

It's a bit tricky Noodlesoup, as our DD's are very good friends at school. What I thought I might do is every time she phones now let her drone on for a minute or two then say 'I'm busy at the moment so I'm going to have to go. Don't worry about it, it'll sort itself out', like she does to me. and then be very vague with her about details of my life, and not give much away. I know this will infuriate her as she is very nosey, and then I'm not giving her anything to ignore or overlook as such. Plus of course see a lot less of her

Ewan, I told her around a year ago, when she was very rude to one of my DCs. I told her I was fed up with it all being about her and her thinking she could say whatever she liked to me and disregard my feelings. To be fair, she's been more respectful for quite a while but I'd say in the last 3 months her old habits are creeping back in.

She has very few friends, and has an antagonistic streak to her, rather like a child who is having a tantrum and being awkward for the sake of it. It's difficult to explain, but if she has any problems or upsets (which is often!) woe betide if I don't agree with her about everything and everyone she is moaning about. But if someone upsets me she starts saying how they are a lovely person, or saying what I'm upset about isn't bad at all. Dont' get me wrong I don't expect anyone to take sides as such, but a bit of support in a conversation with a friend would be nice.

She isn't a proper friend. Do exactly what she dos and says next time she wants to talk about herself. I'd be backing away by now.

I plan to, bringbacksideburns. I am such a soft touch at times and end up feeling guilty if I do things like that. Needs to get tougher

She sounds like my mother. We've all told her so many times how self absorbed she is and how everything we say she turns it back onto her. I think it stems from childhood and not getting enough attention, or maybe too much.

I think yours is a good idea when she calls. If your dds are friends, just meet with dds and talk kid stuff, not personal stuff. Kind of reel it in a bit

"Bear in mind that in the past month she has had a (nother) problem and I have spent hours and hours on the phone to her late at night."

So bring the conversation to a close in 10 minutes rather than 'hours and hours'. You don't have to say that they have upset you, just close them down before they get into their stride and bore the pants off you yet again. 'There goes the door bell... must dash' or a more direct 'I don't want to talk about this any more'.

Great ideas, thanks!

I was thinking too of when she drones on about herself to just stay silent and not offer any sympathy or sympathetic noises at all. DH says I should try playing 'devil's advocate' every time she has a problem just like she does to me. Not sure I am able to do that though.

I seem to attract needy weirdo nutters. I think I am too nice!

A good one for droners is to keep turning the problem back round and challenge them with it. 'So what are you going to do about it?'.... 'What's your next step?' The type that just wants to indulge in self-pity rehashing the problem and never getting to a solution will find this approach incredibly irritating and it will usually bring the conversation to a premature finish. Definitely don't do the sympathetic bit...

Oh I like that idea CogitO. She is definitely the type that just wants to indulge in self pity.

I think you would only have to do Cogito's suggestion once, MrsMangel. This would show your 'friend' that you're not a bottomless pit of sympathy, which should shock her. She might well buzz off then. It doesn't sound like she's interested in you, she's just using you.

If you've told her about it already I'd be inclined to sack her off, then. She clearly doesn't value you enough to amend her ways and sees you as a whinge-receptacle.

Love Cogito's tip though might try it on my MIL

I have a feeling she'll phone tonight due to something that she is anticipating will happen to her today. I won't answer her call though. Might start being really 'busy' and difficult to get hold of.

Don't not answer the call. That's just avoiding the problem. Give her a minute or two of whining, interject with breezy responses that show you're not really listening.... 'great!!'... 'lovely!!'... and finish with 'I'm sure you'll be just fine. Must dash!!!' . :)

I've got someone like that in my life OP - it's very draining isn't it - she is so self-absorbed I don't think she has noticed I've totally withdrawn from her and tell her nothing about my life - when she's droning on about her latest relationship problems I now do what Cogito says "so how are you going to move forward with this/resolve this/have you spoken to them about it" ad infinitum - it works

I suppose she improved before so she may be able & willing to change again, if the friendship is valuable to you in other ways then it's worth being upfront about how you feel, to see if she can respond.

CogitO, I was thinking of being much harder to get hold of for a while, then when eventually I do answer the phone to her she will talk 19 to the dozen, only to be cut off by me at the first opportunity

Argh, she's just tried to ring. I ignored the phone as I was really stressed from the school run and didn't feel in the right frame of mind to try my new phone technique out...