Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you found out you were an OW, would you tell the 'other woman'?

51 replies

Undertone · 12/12/2012 22:24

Long story - but the gist is that the man and i were in a full blown relationship for 6 months but he called it off after i told him i loved him... to continue his relationship with a long distance girlfriend he'd been with for 6 years. They had lived together at the beginning for a while before she went back to the Philippines. While he and i were together they spoke every day etc. But i had no idea. She wants to come and live with him next year in the UK - leaving behind family, friends, job, pets - everything. He told me that she doesn't know about me and 'couldn't handle' knowing as she was so 'emotionally immature'. That pissed me right orf.

Is it ever acceptable to warn another woman, especially when there's so much at stake, about the man she'd be throwing her lot in with?

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 12/12/2012 22:40

It is sometimes acceptable.

Not in this case. By the time she gets here alot of time will pass and he will convince her you are a stalker.

Unless you think it will make her decide not to come.

Why are you still in contact with him?

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 12/12/2012 22:44

I would just walk away from this one, and the childish prick who's stringing two women along.

He never finished with her, did he?

Original poster
Undertone · 12/12/2012 22:46

That's the thing - what if she decides not to come as a result? Maybe it's a real deal breaker?

I'm not in contact with him any more. It's been a few weeks and I'm starting to get my confidence back and get a bit angry instead of sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Undertone · 12/12/2012 22:48

Binfull - no he never finished it. They were together all that time, telling her he loved her and all that.

OP posts:
bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 12/12/2012 22:49

What if its not.

There could be other reasons she wants to come.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 12/12/2012 22:50

Also don't act in anger. you will regret it.

if you decide to go ahead, wait until the anger part subsides.

dequoisagitil · 12/12/2012 22:50

Would you really be doing it to warn her & protect her from a mistake, or is it just because you're now angry and want to make him suffer?

Although perhaps the two can be the same in this case. But your motives are murky, as you'll probably know yourself.

Binfullofgibletsonthe26th · 12/12/2012 22:50

If you had genuine concern for her safety, if he was violent, aggressive etc, then fair enough.

If it's anger or sour grapes then just leave it. It will fade over time.

Original poster
Undertone · 12/12/2012 22:54

I think you're all right. It must be because i want to hurt him - and there's obviously a lot about their relationship that i don't know. Hate that he walks away Scot free and potentially fucks this other girl up one day too after it's too late.

OP posts:
freddybanana · 12/12/2012 22:55

I warned the other woman (or that's what I thought she was) and just got a mouthful of abuse.

If I were you, I would put this down to experience and walk away. He is a complete to55er. Hopefully she won't come and he will have lost both of you.

Please do not let him worm his way into your life under any circumstances. You deserve much more.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 12/12/2012 22:58

Do you think that when she's actually living here, he would cheat on her?

Grumpla · 12/12/2012 23:01

Yeah, I would.

A purely factual account, times dates etc.

She can choose to ignore it or blame you - why would you care? Or she might make a better choice based on a better understanding of the facts.

I definitely wouldn't enter into a lengthy correspondence, let her know where you live etc.

I'd warn someone if I spotted some shit on their shoe after all Grin

Original poster
Undertone · 12/12/2012 23:09

Chipping - well how it started with me is that we met, hit it off and he had to have me. That's what it felt like. If i were with him now i would never trust him not to get similarly suddenly infatuated with another woman that caught his eye. I really do think he could do it to her.

Grumpla - maybe i will do that, but in a while when I'm not so emotional about utter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Undertone · 12/12/2012 23:10

*it.

Stupid phone

OP posts:
dequoisagitil · 12/12/2012 23:10

Tbh, once you've worked through things a bit, if you still want to tell her, I would. She has so much to lose by upping sticks and everything if he is a cheating asshole.

But don't be surprised if she still keeps up the relationship and you are depicted as a bunny-boiler.

ChippingInAWinterWonderland · 13/12/2012 01:23

If you think he's likely to cheat on her then I would tell her, yes. She's about to uproot her whole life based on a lie and to be with someone who's likely to fuck her over when she is alone here with no family or real friends. If I were her, I'd want to know. I'd want some 'proof' though - do you have anything you could email her/scan and email her etc if she asks for it.

I would also tell her that he thinks she's emotionally immature and stress that you are sorry and didn't know he was an asswipe in a relationship.

maleview70 · 13/12/2012 06:50

If she is coming from the phillipines, there is a very good chance that nothing you say will stop her anyway.

Just leave it and move on

DeltaUniformDeltaEcho · 13/12/2012 07:02

I think I would tell her. If I, or my daughter were going to give up everything and move so far from friends and family I'd think it only fair to hold all the facts about who he is.

But a simple factual account of how you met him, things only someone very close to him would know and a timeline would be best. If only to prompt her into thinking hard before she gives everything up.

And even if she decides to go ahead with the plans hopefully it would make her more cautious and she'd make sure she was more protected against ending up stranded and alone.

AnitaManeater · 13/12/2012 07:17

Honestly I would just leave it. You don't know her, maybe she's completely aware of what he's been doing and maybe she's been doing the same. They have been 'together' for 6 years and she will know him one hell of a lot better than you do.

I've been the OW too - albeit unwittingly. I kept schtum as I was horrified by the situation I found myself in. I did think of contacting his GF but my only motive was spite, so after licking my wounds I just had to draw a line under it and move on.

CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 13/12/2012 07:43

Don't demean yourself but stay well out of it. You're dressing it up as doing this woman a favour but I think she's going to question your motives and that's going to potentially get messy. With affairs of the heart, unless we're talking actual physical abuse, it's a case of caveat emptor. Move on with your life and leave Mr Cheater in the past where he belongs.

Abitwobblynow · 13/12/2012 08:00

Walk away. He loves her and used you as a stop gap. Pity her for having him!

What red flags did you overlook?

EdithWeston · 13/12/2012 08:29

In her shoes I would probably collude with him in dismissing you as a crazy if you did tell.

But in the longer term, I might be grateful that someone had at least tried to think of me as and warn me that the man I was about to make a major life change to be with described me as 'emotionally immature' because I would object to a sustained period of cheating and dishonesty.

Though I am sure he was charming when you were together, what you see of him now shows you are well rid. I hope your logical brain sees this, even if your emotions take a while to catch up.

cuillereasoupe · 13/12/2012 09:05

I'd definitely tell her. Imagine moving half-way round the world to be with someone who thought you were emotionally immature and cheated on you Shock

Original poster
Undertone · 13/12/2012 09:28

I'm not sure about red flags now that i think of them. He always stressed that he valued my friendship above everything else, so if the physical aspect of the relationship stopped he still wanted us to be best friends. I realise that stories about 'ex girlfriends' were actually all about her and the last time they visited each other.

When i found out about her i stayed talking to his guy for a while (i was being a doormat and trying to do the whole 'friends' thing. Sucked because he'd still hold my hand out walking and want cuddles all the time. Ugh.) and i asked about their relationship. Can't make head nor tail of it. On the one hand he says they know each other really well... On the other he categorically refused to consider telling her about me. He described her as a bubble head - 'just a silly girl'. He has told her in the past that she 'shouldn't put her life on hold for him' which in his head was giving her permission to see other people. But apparently she never has (so he tells me).

But you're right. I simply don't know the ins and outs of it. I'd rather be thought of as a bitter psycho than for him to get away with it - that's where i am at the moment.

I deleted all photos, emails and texts from him so unfortunately i wouldn't have any evidence. If she somehow managed to hack onto his UK computer there would probably still be naughty pics of me (although he says he deleted them) but that's not evidence of us being together really.

OP posts:
CogitOCrapNotMoreSprouts · 13/12/2012 10:34

"I'd rather be thought of as a bitter psycho than for him to get away with it "

'Getting away with it' means your motivation is currently punishing him rather than saving her. He has lied to you, lied to her, probably lies to himself. Whatever you do now he'll just have another bunch of lies ready to roll out and cover the truth. Revenge with people like that is rarely satisfactory. Best to let her find out the way you did....