pregnant and alone

[winkle1990]

hi everyone i have literally just this morning found out im roughly 6 weeks pregnant, just over a week ago i broke up with the father because he was controlling, accusing and wouldn't give me any breathing space, after he left he was very abusive and threatening via txt message to me and my mum. Needless to say my mum detests him now and says if i get back with him she dont know if she can stick around. and that i am not allowed to tell him about the baby because it will be another way of him controlling me, so the one person who should be supporting me wont be ( he already has 4 other children and he is 23) Also I already have a daughter from a previous relationship who has just turned two. i feel like im at a loss, im lonely without him and was tempted to give him a second chance but after what my mum, iv also gone on his facebook and seen he has sent about 15 different girls messages with his number to txt, im absolutely devastated i dont know what to do at all, i dont see how i can go through the pregancy and have this baby without telling him but if i do i run the risk of losing my mum, so far i feel as if its going to do nothing but cause problems, whatever i choose im at a loss, as my mum says me and the babies deserve so much better than him which is true but im so overwhelmed by doing it all on my own (before i found out me and my mum were making plans about me and my daughter moving back in with mum and today finding out im pregnant she has decided she doesnt think she will be able to cope with it) i really dont know what to do i just feel so alone iv got no one who understands. i see what my mum is saying as it is quite true, she calls him a mother's worst nightmare, but i cant help that i love him and miss him and want him to be there for our baby, i just dont know what to do :'(

Jeez, who have you been talking to, lala? And how truthfully? You have made a strong statement, and I feel I have to challenge it a bit. I am pro-choice, and I can, hand on heart, say that the majority of women I know (many years of women's groups and circles etc) who have had terminations, whether in their teens, 20s or 30s, in whichever circumstances, remember their terminations with sadness and regret, many years on, ranging from mildly to gut-wrenching and heart-breaking candle-lit vigils on the baby's would-be birthday. It was 'the right' decision for them at the time and enabled them to go on to lead the lives they were hoping and planning to lead, and they are glad they did it because of this, yet it would be untrue to say that there was not sadness and regret. There is room for both; you can be glad, yet acknowledge the pain, if you feel it.

Thank you for that peaceful, I didn't know how to put it... but that is what I meant. Termination is a huge decision, I'm not trying to get her not to have one.. I'm just letting her know what both can do to her. I didnt want to cause a conflict

Jeez, Peaceful do you ever think the sample of people you've been speaking to might be unrepresentative too?

I can hand on heart say, and without wishing at all to sound trite, that I feel more regret and angst over drunken text messages I have sent than an abortion I had at the OP's age. But perhaps I should just keep waiting for that candle burning impulse to kick in hey?

Well, there you go, we obviously know very different women. All the women I know - and I've known a fair few over the years - have looked back with complete relief and have generally said, although the procedure wasn't much fun, they have absolutely no regrets. In fact, the only two women I have ever known who have had anything close to sadness regarding their abortions both had planned pregnancies that they decided to terminate because of birth defects which I suspect may be different situation than a pregnancy that was unwanted from the outset. They still feel that they made the right decision but, in their cases, it was less straightforward.

x-post with stranger

I don't recall my termination at 18. I remember being too young to have children, even though I was in a stable relationship.

I've never regretted having them. Yep more than one.

The second and third I was with a man I spent ten years with, made my life hell the emotional abuse, the cheating the taking all my money leaving the child I did have with nothing to drink and no electricity.

For me the choices at the time were the right ones. No regrets, no sadness.

My two children have no relationship with their father. He is an alcoholic who has never done a days work has spent 25 years on the dole, drinking and gambling.

Regrets? None.

Everyone I know has felt heartache... and there life has changed A LOT!

So you've never made a mistake, izzy? What a way to speak to someone who is worried and confused. Get a grip.

Op, it sounds like you've got a supportive mum. Can you sit down and talk to her thoroughly about all your options.

Look after yourself and your daughter.

I never claimed that ALL woman felt sadness. In winkles position where she wants it she would feel sad if she had it?

If you was young and not ready or in an unstable relationship you may not

He has 4 other children and he's 23. I'll say that again:

HE HAS 4 OTHER CHILDREN AND HE'S 23.

No matter how lonely you feel, that will not feel nearly as bad as how you will end up if you make this man selfish child part of you life.

This person is absolute scum and I'm sorry you've never had someone decent and caring enough in your life for you to realise that. And I'm appalled by your mum saying she will abandon you if you go back to him. You shouldn't. But that's not a loving way to express that thought!

Actually, a woman is more likely to feel grief and regret after a termination if she only has the termination to shut other people up. I am massively pro-choice and support a woman's right to abortion on demand up until term.

However, I'm pro-choice which means I also support a woman's right to continue a pregnancy that she wants to continue, no matter what anyone else thinks about it.

And I do wish the people going 'Oh why did you get PG' would remember that no contraception is 100% effective.

I can't believe that usually supportive and sympathetic posters are suggesting terminations and asking WHY the OP ALLOWED herself to become pregnant?

I am a sensible person with two dc, not in a relationship, pregnancy would be a disaster, yet despite taking all possible precautions (condom and MAP next day) I became pregnant, resulting in an ectopic and emergency surgery earlier this year. It happens A LOT because no contraception is fool proof not even two kinds together!

OP this is a difficult predicament for you but no one should be recommending you terminate, that is for you and you alone to consider and decide.

Personally I would NOT tell this man unless absolutely necessary, certainly not put him on the birth certificate and if I decided to keep the pregnancy would consider moving away. He sounds like an utter wastrel (love that word) and I think your Mum is right. He will bring nothing good or of any use to this situation.

Im appalled at some of the posts on here. Half of you ramming termination down OPs throat and the others questioning how she "allowed" herself to become pregnant. Contraception isnt 100% effective, abusive men often engineer contraception failure etc.

If a poster comes here asking for advice in a vulnerable state we empathise and offer advice. Telling someone who has just separated from an abusive partner that she needs to "grow up" is incredibly insensitive.

We should be encouraging OP to make a decision for herself. She doesnt need to pressured into a decision by her mother, her ex or by a load of judgey pants online.

OP, what do you want to do. What are the pros and cons, how would you support another child etc? I think talking to a GP or WA may be a good move even just so you are aware of all the options available to you. This is a decision that you need to make and that no-one else can make for you. You've done a very brave thing in separating from this man and regardless of the pgcy you need to take steps to protect yourself from him. Please think about calling Womens Aid.

I've found that women that need to justify their previous choice(s) to abort tend to be the quickest to suggest it to other people ... no matter what ...

Those for whom it was the hardest choice tend not to offer it as a solution. The OP knows abortion is possible. The OP knows abortion is an option. You should never suggest abortion to someone. Ever. Just be there when they want to talk about it and even then, only if you're a close friend and know the person doing the asking.

I would NOT abort the baby unless it was right for you.

I dont think having 2 children by 2 different men is wrong either, many women have children by different men.

Id do what you want as Y O U are going to have to live with the choice for the rest of your life.

Talk to your GP, some good replies on here and very good advice.

I wish you all the best in what ever choice you make.

Winkle am in a rush but didn't want to read and run. Am sorry you are going through this am horrified by what izzy has said to you please don't have a termination it's not your fault he was abusive and it's certainly not your babies fault. It's normal to be emotional in pregnancy I don't think you shud be with this guy but understand where you are coming from. Hugs xx

Well softly softly hardly ever works, now.

Rather than poor you, cuddle cuddle all will be well, even if you have 10 children before the age of 25, it will all be ok, maybe some realism would actually work.

Softly softly does work. Empathy does work. Listening for and acknowledging the need does work.

People leaving abusive relationships have had people dismissing their voices, telling them what to do and taking control away from them. The best thing you can do, and which the relationships board usually excels at, is to aid and encourage the OP to find their own voice again, to value their own opinion again.

I am beyond angry that posters havent grasped this and feel that coming in guns blazing, providing no empathy and no safe space for the OP to be supported in making her own decisions is a good approach. It isnt.

Those of you that cant manage to understand that a vulnerable person deserves some compassion and understanding need to bow out now and actually consider the impact of their approach on the OP. I know that if my threads had been treated in this way Id never have felt able to talk about my abuse, wouldnt have had the hue amount of support which was a life line over the past year. Every OP deserves that support, it is nobodys place to pass judgement.

All you telling her to terminate: Have you been reading too many benefit-bashing threads and headlines again? You might like to bear in mind, also, that having children by different men is one way of improving the gene pool...

It is equally wrong to just molly coddle and congratulate the OP, telling her all will be well. It might not be. She does not even have a home for the child she has already got, if she progresses with the pregnancy. How is saying Congratulations go with your heart and enjoy your bubba helping?

I don't think anyone has done that quint. No one has Molly coddled or been fluffy to the OP about this pretty rubbish situation she finds herself in.

I think it is wrong to suggest to someone that they terminate their pregnancy from their body because you, an outsider perceives it to be the solution.

Suggesting a termination to a pregnant woman does not make you more realistic and telling it how it is, its massively overstepping boundaries and you have no right to do it.

There are so many anti abortion folks around, and having a termination is still looked upon as pretty taboo. I think it is perfectly fine to consider it as an option, that the OP will know that you are not looked down upon if you go ahead with this.

I think if anything, more people need to consider this as a viable choice when considering what they do when they end up in such a situation.

Posters vilifying people who speak out and say it is a valid choice are not exactly doing the OP a favour either! Pushing her into keeping a baby she might not actually want.

Nobody in their right minds are going to terminate a pregnancy because strangers on the internet says it is a good idea, it is therefore easier to talk somebody into progressing a pregnancy than putting an end to it.

I think Winkle would be much better off moving on from her abusive ex, cut all ties with him, because it is better for her and her daughter to do this.
She was going to live with her mum, but her mum does not want her there pregnant, and then with two children from two relationships. When is she ever going to find time to study for qualifications, or find a job? Find a home and support herself and her children?

IMO- saying 'its not baby's fault!' and bringing up candlelit vigils for zygotes are being equally pushy as those suggesting termination.

OP currently doesn't have a house for the child she has. The man involved is abusive and clearly doesn't give a fuck about what happens after he's got his dick wet. As someone has mentioned, benefit changes (which I disagree with) are coming in next April which could push OP and her child(ren) into poverty.

Explore all of your options, including termination. Your sole aim should be ensuring that DD has a good life. I am so sorry you have to go through this, but this is a situation where 'follow your heart' does not help one little bit.

Who is pushing her to keep the baby? You've done that a few times on this thread quint exaggerate responses that disagree with your own in order to undermine them . As I pointed out in my last post NO ONE is being fluffy and Molly coddling just like NO ONE is encouraging the OP to keep a child she may not want. You are actually making that up to justify your position.

I am TOTALLY pro choice, but it is not mine or anyone else's place to suggest a termination to a pregnant woman. I also feel it has been presented as pretty much the ONLY thing to do in this case by a couple of posters and not as an explore all your options suggestion.

OP's Mum sounds pretty sensible too, I am hope she will be helping her daughter to decide the best way forward.