Can someone help me understand this very trivial and minor thing?

[muddymary]

I appreciate this is a really minor issue and sorry if I've put it in the wrong place!

I have a friend who I've known for years and I think she likes my company - but everytime we make arrangements to do something, she pre-fixes it with a reason why I won't want to go;
eg 'I know you won't want to coz you're always skint at the end of the month but if you aren't should we go for a few drinks?'
or 'It's quite a long journey so you prob won't want to come but I'm going to visit X this weekend if you fancy it?'

She does it every single time we make arrangements even if I suggest something to do she'll give me a reason why I might not want to (me-should we go and see X film? Her - are you sure? you don't really like the actor in it do you?)

I would understand if I'd ever mentioned the reasons she gives me as to why I shouldn't go but I'm usually really up for 'doing things', I like to make plans for the weekend and it's quite rare for me to say no to something. It's so minor that I don't even know why it's starting to bug me and I haven't actually asked her why she does it - just wondering if anyone has any ideas?

I would ask her. Wait until the next time she does it and say, "Why do you think I wouldn't want to come?" Sit there and wait for an answer. Maybe she has other friends who always put her off.

How much of the time do you suggest doing things as opposed to her? Is there a chance she feels she's the only one to suggest doing anything?

I'd say its because she's insecure deep down (even if she doesn't appear to be that way on the surface) and she's giving you an easy way to say you don't want to do whatever the thing is she's asking you to do. This will be to save embarrassment if you don't want to do that thing with her..

I do this. It's because I'm scared they'll say no, so I give them an 'out' straight away so they don't have to make up a (weak, transparent) excuse on the fly .

I think she has low self esteem and doesn't believe, rightly or wrongly, that anyone really wants to spend time with her, and so gives them an easy way out if they don't want to. I say this from experience, I am very similar. I hate the thought I am 'over staying my welcome' or 'imposing myself' and tend to make vague suggestions rather than set firm plans. I've been really good friends with a few lovely ladies for years and yet I still do it with them now. She may not change. I don't know whether bringing it up would be good or not. I'd rather my friends didn't as the conversation would be embarrassing for me, but you know your friend best x

Sounds like she is pre-empting you saying no. Do you turn her invites down a lot?

This is about her not you, don't be upset by it.

Either she's insecure and is just being extra considerate and careful to make sure you will enjoy yourself or give you an easy out if you don't want to spend time with her OR she's a bit like me .

I can be a bit like this simply because I am perfectly happy to do things on my own, I am happy with my own company and don't mind at all, yet most of my family/friends hate doing things by themselves so I worry that they feel obliged to do something I suggest, so that I'm not doing it by myself - when really, I don't mind either way?! I ask because I think they will enjoy whatever I'm going to do, but I only want them to come if they want to, not to just keep me company, because I really don't mind either way.

That makes it sound like I don't want to see my friends and family, which isn't true - I'm just happy to do it at a time/activity that suits them it's the difficult side of being happy with your own company I guess

Hi - thanks for your replies, they've given me food for thought! I def don't turn her down a lot - we do 'something' (meal, cinema or pub) pretty much every weekend and do an exercise class a couple of times a week too - so we actually see quite a lot of each other compared to our other friends. I am trying to think about who actually makes the plans though, whether it's me or her and I'm not actually sure so I am going to make sure that I'm suggesting things as well as her. I'm not sure why I have never asked her about it, I think just because she's always done it that it just hadn't occured to me.

Chipping in - that makes a lot of sense and sort of fits with her personality too.