mum,dad , brother and the other man....

[whereismytoenail]

i posted a few weeks ago about my family, how me, my DB and DM were all mentally, emotionallyand more my DM and DB physically abused by my dad

i stopped talking to my dad at the start of this year, around April my DM started slipping into convo about a man she had bumped into lately from her past ,he proposed to her when she was 18 and she said no, he still carries a photo of her in his wallet,it moved from this to her introducing him to me and my toddler DS, he seems a very nice man,he has asked her to leave my Dad and live with him,he said he s always loved her and never met anyone else he wanted to marry

i have told her i like this man,i told her i would love nothing more than for her to be happy for once with a man who loves and respects her

she used to take DS out once a week for a few hours, i found out she had been meeting the man with my DS , i politley asked her not to do this, as they walk around the town centre together nearly everyday and lots of people see them together , i explained that i feel like she s playing with fire by doing this in public and i didnt want my DS involved

she didnt listen to my wishes and started trying to make me feel guilty saying the man was upset that id said these things that he loves my DS and likes seeing him, i sat and stewed about it then had a big blow up with my DM , i said some awful things to her about the past , that she let the abuse happen to me and DB , that she never left , i said i couldnt have been more fair or supportive about her affair and all i asked was for her to not meet the man when she had my DS out on her own

today i met her , she handed me a bag,said the man gave her money to buy DS a xmas present and it was in the bag, i told her this was a lovely gesture but im sorry i couldnt accept it

ive tried lots of times to encourage her to leave my dad and be with this man properly, i doubt very much she will, ive said me and my DH would help and support her but she ll say my Dads always said if she left him he would find her and kill her, but my worry is what happens if he finds out about the other man and she s trapped in the house with him

its all a big mess and its stressing me out so much

I find your reactions totally comprehensible: not wanting your DS to have an involvement with OM at this stage, being upset at your DM ignoring your wishes regarding your own child, and telling her your feelings about her failure to protect you as a parent when you were a child in her care.

TBH, the whole torch-carrying-since-the-age-of-18 and photo-in-wallet-for-decades thing sounds obsessive and creepy to me. I would be wary of OM too. No wonder your DM is having her head turned by it, given the marriage she's in, but still.

Wrt to your son, they are behaving manipulatively (money, ignoring your wishes, trying to make you feel guilty about how you are supposedly upsetting OM...). It really is manipulation. You have every right to be put out by it, and to put your foot down.

i just dont no what to do about the situation

i already dont speak to my dad, i really dont want to fall out with my DM but feel its all just gettin ridiculous :(

saying "no" to someone is not falling out, unless they take it that way - and their reaction is something you have no control over. You have every right to protect your own DS and to put forward your own views.

Have you had counseling to deal with your childhood abuse and how it affects your relationship with each of your parents?

i just feel whenever i disagree with my DM she takes the huff or will say yeh anything u say is right , then next time i see her its like nothings happend

no not had any counseling up to now , i have thought about it though