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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you tell a friend that you thought their DP treated her dreadfully.

17 replies

drosophila · 03/04/2006 12:00

We are friends with a couple and over the last couple of years he has started treating her really bad imo. The main thing is that he tries to control every little aspect of her life. He tells her what to to eat, what to wear how to spend her money, makes all the big decisions.

She has confided in me but I don't think she realises just how bad it is. He will sulk and bully her in front of us (e.g if she eats too much) and he is getting worse. I think he is depressed but would never admit it. She also does almost all the house work even though she works and he doesn't. I don't know wether I should meet up with her (if he would allow it ) and be frank with her. Any ideas?

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 03/04/2006 12:28

I used to live with someone like that - spookily similar in fact. I doubt I'd have listened if anyone had tried to tell me, I had to find out for myself, which I did of course, but not until I'd wasted 14 years of my adult life on him

Having said that, if she's already confided in you I think it would be a good idea to have a chat with her and at least try

CHICagoMUM · 03/04/2006 12:30

I'd second NAAM. If she has confidedin you a bit already,she will (hopefully) be more open to what you have to say (ie she isn't in total denial of the situation).

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 03/04/2006 12:49

agree with the others, would add that you need to make sure that nothing you say could be construed as the situation being her fault. I am sure you wouldn;t do that intentionally, but if her confidence is being undermined it might be easy to do unintentionally. would also be careful about launching into lots of criticism of her dp, as that might put her on the defensive - again self defeating. I would listen, empathise/sympathise, make clear you are there for her, and take your cues from her.

Firefox · 03/04/2006 12:51

I have a friend currently in a similar kind of situation. Personally I wouldn't tell her as I doubt that she would take any notice anyway as she is far too doe-eyed over her useless dp. All I tend to do is when she tells me how he treats her is to make sympathetic noises, and ask from time to time how she feels about it all. This is quite hard as she will then always back track over what she's said and then say how much he loves her etc etc and all I can do is say hmmmmmm whilst gritting my teeth. The best I can do I feel at the moment is to just let her know I am there as a friendly ear - the last thing I want is for her to feel that she has to make a decision between myself and her dp.

Pruni · 03/04/2006 12:58

I have been in the situation where a friend's husband has systematically eroded all of her friendships, been publicly disgraced and turned her from a sunny, bubbly person into a shy depressive.
She adores him. Everything that we see as borderline psychotic behaviour, she manages to rationalise as some aspect of his amazing and unique personality. Stories he has told her, with himself as the hero, she will discount as part of a vendetta if we try to put her right.

It's sad but there is little you can do except turn a blind eye for now and then be around to help when it all blows up.

LilMissHappy · 03/04/2006 12:59

I couldn't stand one of my friend's previous partners. I never told her that but made sure that she realised I was there to listen if she had anything she wanted to talk to me about. In the end, she snapped out of her doe-eyed state and saw him for what he was.

I think rather than tell her you think her dp treats her terribly, maybe ask her if everything is going ok between the two of them. She'll appreciate the concern if you approach it in the right way.

Original poster

drosophila · 03/04/2006 15:39

Thing is, she knows what he is like so not doe eyed and she does try to stand up to him but the thing that makes her back down is the sulking he does.

Why does someone need or desire to control their partner soooo much. Any of you figure that one out?

OP posts:

NotActuallyAMum · 03/04/2006 15:59

In my case it was because he was a bully

blondehelen · 03/04/2006 16:07

Agree with pruni, that you have to be supportive and be around for her when/if it blows up. My friend's dh was an a*se. She eventually left him of her own accord and has rebuilt her life and is a stronger person for it.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2006 16:09

no. it's none of my damn business. what i might do if it bothered me a whole lot is avoid her. when she asked why, i'd be honest and say i feel uncomfortable w/the personality change she's undergone since beginning the relationship, but i respect her relationship w/X and wish her the best.

Original poster

drosophila · 03/04/2006 16:29

Thing is Expat I am worried about them. It's more him that's changed she is just adjusting to his change as best she can. I don't say anything really frank cos who has a perfect relationship and people in glass houses etc... but I have a bad feeling about it and so does DP.

There are two kids too who I think get the brunt of his temper.

OP posts:

suzywong · 03/04/2006 16:32

I had an upstairs neighbour jsut like that, the OP that is, he used to bang on the floor with his shoe if the woman was down at my flat having a cup of tea for too long, Of course the day after I told her I thought he treated her badly they became engaged.

I thin kif the kids were being mistreated then I would sya something though

red37 · 03/04/2006 16:36

She might jump to his defence if you say anything against him

buffy2 · 03/04/2006 16:43

Don't think I would, you may loose a friend if do. Just be there!!

snowleopard · 03/04/2006 22:38

IME the only thing you can do is be (delicately) encouraging any time she voices her own doubts. I had a friend in this situation - she would moan about him, and say she was fed up with it, but if I said "yes he's a controlling git, leave him" she'd get all defensive. So I changed tack and when she moaned or talked about leaving I would say "If you ever do leave him I will support you and I'll be here, remember you just have to call me" then change the subject. She did leave him eventually and it was extremely difficult - she had to plan it all in secret and pack up for her stuff when he was at work, and he raced home and caught her at it - he must have had the place bugged! She had to literally peel him off her to get into the taxi, with the help of the taxi driver... then the ex hassled her for months. So your friend probably will need a lot of support if and when she leaves...

beetlejuice73 · 03/04/2006 22:50

My DP does a lot of the things you say your friend's partner does - try to control my eating, sulk, criticize my appearance, do bugger all around the house - difference is that I'm under no illusions about him, and fundamentally a stronger person than he is. I do appreciate friends and family being honest with me when the opportunity arises, because in that situation you do need constant reminders that his behaviour is the problem, and that he is the unreasonable one. Otherwise, it's easy to get drawn into the warped logic of a bully. The same goes for being around to listen when she gets the chance to talk. Knowing that it can be hard for her to socialise, you need to be flexible about meet-ups, but it is important because he will succeed in alienating her friends, and she will then get fewer and fewer chances to see a point of view other than his. Hope you can help her.

hovely · 04/04/2006 20:41

i have a different perspective on this.
I spent years from late teens to mid 20s with a man who systematically bullied, undermined and embarrassed me. I think I chose him due to low-self-esteem and he made quite sure that what little self esteem I had was gone.

if someone had said to me 'you don't need to put up with this, there are nice men out there who don't do this' it would have helped me see it and get out.
my sister went through a very similar pattern at about the same time, and she now says the same.
As long as you are talking about what he does rather than who he is, IYSWIM, then your friend might be really helped by hearing it.

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