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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Oh Mumsnet - you have got me into trouble

63 replies

wandymum · 07/10/2012 17:29

Reading a thread about DHs and porn and came across a way to see their i-phone history even if they'd deleted.

I couldn't resist looking. Not hugely bothered if DH looks at porn (they all do as far as I can tell), relationship generally good and I had no reason to feel the need to check up on him. Partly I wanted to see what turned him on to see if it would help spice things up a bit, partly I am just nosey.

Anyway, amongst the stuff on his phone was a site called affair-guide.com. Seemed to be an actual guide to how to have an affair without getting caught rather than porn so I asked him about it.

He said it was probably a pop up and is now refusing to talk to me at all because I have invaded his privacy.

Bugger.

OP posts:

skyebluesapphire · 07/10/2012 23:17

I always used my STBXH's phone until he kept it on him all the time, slept with it by the bed and kept it in the door pocket of the car instead of the middle, so I couldn't see it.

This was all to hide the texts and emails to OW.

Whistlingwaves · 07/10/2012 23:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GrumpyOldWomanToo · 07/10/2012 23:32

I look at all kinds of stuff on the internet; any one item doesn't indicate I have an enduring interest. And even several connected items... well, last week I read several items about schoolyard mass shootings, and followed links to goth sites. Doesn't mean I'm about to go buy some black lipstick and start casing the local school.

Give the guy a break... a few days ago I was casually perusing a site which gave directions on setting up a new identity. Hey, just a minute, I'm getting suspicious of myself! Maybe you'll be reading about me in the Daily Mail...

Heleninahandcart · 07/10/2012 23:49

If he had been browsing innocently, started looking at random things, why not just say so then? Also wouldn't he just remember seeing a pop up when it apparently came up? Not much of a pop up if it didn't actually appear. Again, why not just say so.

Keep your eyes open OP.

Startailoforangeandgold · 08/10/2012 00:18

If DH read my history I'd be

There's a link to a site selling condoms and all sorts of stuff in my history. Following links here and looking for images.

Image searchers are especially bad because blogs and compilation sites have all kinds of utterly unrelated crap.

If I looked at DHs he would explode,

Startailoforangeandgold · 08/10/2012 00:19

Why because privacy aside his work is confidential.

izzyizin · 08/10/2012 01:19

He says MNet is spawn of the devil In the immortal words, 'he would, wouldn't he?'

Not being able to look you in the eye indicates that he's either exceptionally immature or exceptionally embarrassed at having been so easily caught out, particularly if he was fool enough to believe the spiel on secretaffairsrus or a similar site.

I was very much taken with KatieScarlett's response on a current thread to do with a dh's visit to a lap dancing joint in which she said:

"I would ridicule and berate him for the rest of his natural life or till I got bored

Any complaint would be met with "So what, you went to a lapdance bar you sick fucker"

He would rue the day he ever thought that was a good idea"

I suggest you adopt Katie's approach and say 'So what, you thought you'd get away with a secret affair you dumb klutz' whenever you need a laugh occasion arises.

CurrentBun · 08/10/2012 01:44

He will not even look at me.

Says it all IMO.

Guilty as charged.

Strawhatpirate · 08/10/2012 01:48

It seems a bit specific to be a pop up tbh. Most of the pop ups I've ever seen have been 'you've won an ipad' not 'do you want to commit adultry but don't know how?'. His reaction is a bit suspect as well, perhaps the dh doth protest too much?

izzyizin · 08/10/2012 02:00

In this case the dh doesn't appear to have protested very much at all, M'lud pirate.

As all of the evidence would appear to support currantbun's verdict of 'Guilty as charged', wandy, I suggest you put take him down

Strawhatpirate · 08/10/2012 05:45

He didn't want the op to go on mumsnet anymore because its was obvious what we would all say! We might be a nest of vipers but these but unfortunately for him these vipers can smell bullshit.

FrankieMyDearIDontGiveADamn · 08/10/2012 06:05

Tough one.. based a lot on MN my browsing history is very suspect.

And I have googled stuff out of curiosity that just would be totally out of character.
Nothing illegal though.

So I think checking his phone was badly out of order.

Having said that, and you having done it, his reaction is now cause for mild concern.
Maybe you should accept his annoyance initially about invading his privacy.. and THEN as a separate issue, deal with what came up.

InTheNightGarden · 08/10/2012 06:33

wandymum .... pleaseeeee tell me how you look at iphone history once it's deleted?? please pleaseeee please :) :) :)

InTheNightGarden · 08/10/2012 06:35

also think you need to read more into the website you found :-/ ....how odd...deffo not a pop up!!!

stuffitunderthebed · 08/10/2012 07:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 08/10/2012 07:21

I think checking someone's internet history is rather different to just using their phone. It is an invasion of their privacy and you have to accept that.

Which doesn't excuse him from any blame if he did indeed visit that site rather than have it pop-up or something else. And yes, you do get pop-ups on an iPhone.

You both need to sit down and have a proper heart to heart. you need to apologise for apparently checking up on him and he needs to actually talk properly about the site being on his internet history and whether there are actually any problems with your marriage.

DoIDare · 08/10/2012 07:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sookiesookie · 08/10/2012 07:38

Yes I do actually, as detective said you don't get pop ups on iPhones. Sorry.

Except that's not true. And you didn't say iPhones don't get pop ups. Your said there's no such pop ups for that. Which is something you actually don't know.

I think there is something going on with this man, based on refusing to look at her. But I also think the OP suspected something and is not saying.
However telling the OP something that you don't actually know isn't helpful.

sookiesookie · 08/10/2012 07:50

There is a difference to me with general using each others phone and finding ways to get a deleted stuff.
if dh went through deleted history it would say to me 'i do not trust you'. My reaction would be hurt but want to know why and work on it. As would,i am almost 100%, would be dhs.

But yes i would be hurt that my husband did not trust ma and would want to know why.

InTheNightGarden · 08/10/2012 12:27

lol I don't want to do it for the same reason, my dp has planned something for my dd (from a previous relationship) for a weekend while we go away however he won't tell me what she's doing, she's only 17months old!! he said I should trust him however I do not feel happy not seeing dd ALL weekend while we swan off anywhere!! thats why I want to look, he always lets me on his phone to use his apps so he won't suspect anything and I don't not me checking up on him coz I know he wouldn't do anything wrong in that respect just wanna know what my dd is doing!!! :)

clam · 08/10/2012 13:15

Call me an old cynic if you like, but I'd lay bets on the fact that your dh is deliberately attempting to cloud the real issue here (of how to hide an affair) with feigning hurt/fury about you looking at his phone.
Which is working, because you're now running after him apologising and he feels he has the moral highground of being the wronged party.

Until you catch him out next time.

Good luck with this one.

Anniegetyourgun · 08/10/2012 13:27

InTheNightGarden What??? He's going to send your DD somewhere and won't tell you where? Is that right? It's not a matter of trusting him, you've got to know where your baby is because, well, it's your baby innit?

WhoNickedMyName · 08/10/2012 17:44

InTheNightGarden I find that really weird and hope you've told him to fuck off in no uncertain terms that you won't be going anywhere with him unless you know the exact whereabouts of your (not his) 17 month old baby and you trust implicitly the people she is with.

AnyFucker · 08/10/2012 21:01

ITNG, are you serious ??

InTheNightGarden · 10/10/2012 10:04

all is ok, I rang my mum thinking surely she'd know! she understood my worry and told me my dp's paid for my mum and dad to take dd and dd's cousin to Disneyland Paris for the weekend!!! why I couldn't know that I do not know and where the money's come from to pay for that and us to go away I do not know either .... I feel kinda bad as I havnt told dp I've spoken to mum and I know all the plans!!!!

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