Have name changed.
I don't even like my dh, let alone love him. We've effectively been house sharers for years. I haven't had sex with him for 2 years, yet we sleep in the same bed each night. This came about because he betrayed me in a way that I couldn't, and still can't come to terms with (it wasn't an ow but fundamentally showed me that I could never be a priority for him). I also don't like the way he parents our children (6, 8 and 10) and has on a couple of occasions done things I believe to be dangerous and/or damaging mentally.
There as 2 reasons that I don't ask him to leave. 1. Unless I was prepared to go the whole hog and say that I didn't want him to have contact with the children and why, he would see the dc at weekends. I don't trust him with their well being. 2. Financially our lives, and therefore the lives of the children, would change completely.
So for the last two years it has seemed better to stay with him, where I can keep a close eye on him, and give the children the upbringing that they have become used to.
But that's not sustainable long term really, is it? I confided in a friend the other week about how awful my marriage was (I am belittled and put down constantly, and the children are at best tolerated) and he was astonished and angry that I didn't leave, and hadn't left years ago.
But by staying in the marriage I can keep the children safe and give them all the love and attention that they need. I couldn't guarantee that if we divorced.
I've deliberately been non-specific about much of this because, if I were to leave and contest my dh having any contact with the children, the result would be very very public and have long lasting consequences that might damage the dc further. But I'm slowly being eroded as a person, and I believe my middle child who is pretty perceptive, is beginning to realise that her parents have a rather strained relationship.