Me and DH have been married for 10 years. We have 3 DCs. Our relationship has always been mired in quarreling. Pretty physical in the first few years when the quarrels get heated, but have since mellowed down a lot as he got promoted and gained status at work. All I had to do was remind him I was going to the police if he loses it with me, and he stopped. Nowadays won't even do it anymore. I am not innocent, I grew up with a physically and verbally abusive mum and a Dad who was well off, hardly at home. And if he was, never got along with my mum. I used to hit my DH back in return and then get hurt myself. I am proud and used to just keep it in the family so to speak, could never bring myself to the police if DH did something. Luckily he has only lost it with me by slapping me on the face twice in the past. As I said he has stopped getting physical with me for a few years now since gaining promotion at work and I stopped caring about my pride that much and was genuinely going to police if he did that to me. To be honest I just think nobody will take me seriously. I learnt to threaten my mum with "going to the police" when I was about 14. She stopped. Its sad though when I look back how much of my current life seems to replicate the one I grew up with.
I have no job and crap social skills. I have no friends, just a bunch of acquaintances. I think people think I'm odd and unlikable. I never say the right things in social situations. I feel a freak. When I did have jobs, I was often bullied at the workplace. I keep getting upset with things people say to me. Maybe I am oversensitive but I don't know what to do with it. I lived like this my whole life. I have many FB friends from school and college. I don't know how I ended up making friends at all when I feel so inept now.
I am worried for my DCs. I am not happy here where I like. We live in the North, I can't drive and my DH has been pressuring me to drive and paying for it. I can see his intentions are good because it'd be easier for me to get around and possibly socialise more. But Im such a slow learner. We've spent a few thousand on lessons and exams. I am still crap at judging distances, anticipation,etc. I am nearly there but have been "nearly there" for ages. My confidence is shot and we can only afford lessons once a week so when DH takes me for driving practice, we get into major arguments. I cant take his constant criticism and telling me driving is really say, even stupid and the disabled can drive, so why can't I, etc etc. HE says my bad driving is because I am a negative person, and told me I should just snap out of outfit, life is good, etc etc. I hate it whenever he says that. He says All the time. Just Now it happened again. He got so pissed off at me arguing back at him he stopped the car, asked me to change speeds, and started driving. I wouldn't let it go and kept trying to make him see how hard it is for me, and he started doing crazy shit like speeding and threatening to crash the car (our 4 yr old at the back ). See this is the man I married. He does stupid things when he's angry. He also smokes weed recreationally to help him calm down. So basically he works 9 hrs every weekday and then is on call for 1 day overnight, and he's doing an advanced diploma at the same time, and we have no family or friends and no money for babysitters so our family life is just quite stressful and busy really. We haven't gone out as a couple for 3 years and its clear that to him that's not a priority. I know with the driving thing, I find it hardvto take his counsel. I dont trust his judgment as he doesnt even know some of the road signs himsef and passed hus exam more than 15 yearsago in another country. He hasnt got in an accident for years except a few years ago he damaged the car by driving over a fallen tree in bad weather or something, which cost some money to fix his car. So maybe hes a good driver. Maybe he has a point. But hes really rude about it I find... My instructor isnt like that.
We live in a nice area and spend all our money on rent, for and the kids' extracurricular classes which they enjoy. I feel bad if we had to stop one of the kids' classes just to have money to thought one a month. As parents, we are very dedicated to the kids. But our quarreling . Im concerned about the effect that has.
I really want to leave this city and go back London. He has said he'd pay for us to do that but leave him out as he got to keep his current job and he's having it so good he doesn't want leave and find possibly less ideal one near London. I am feeling scared of moving down to London with just me and the kids. He shares my chores at home and helps me babysit if I need to go out. He said he would buy a trailer and live in it at his industrial workplace's carpark. Something which Im sure his colleagues wouldn't mind. He's the superior anyway and Im sure they're used to his oddities. They actually like him because he's hardworking and helpful. I think he lost it once with his colleague and got shouty aggressive - totally out of character as usually hes a man of few and necessary words and is normally easy going. He is passive aggressive I think. But he realised it was a mistake because an older lady at work told him she was shocked to see him act like that and he never ever did it again in all his 8 years of working there.
Anyway Im not sure if RELATE is gonna change anything in our relationship dynamic. Toomuch has happened between us and we are angry witg each other. Resentful. Feels each other could change or do more tochange but never quite getting there.
Ive been thinking about divorce but dont jnow what thats gonna achieve really. Yes no morequarrelsthe kids can witness. But would the kids have a worse life? Right now their dad does a lot of the fun things with them. Hes athletic and outdoorsy and Im not. He takes them out a lot on his free time and I genuinely appreciate what he does for them. I think if we divorce though I would definitely want to move back to london... no way I am going to stay here on my own and be unhappy... I am really really homesick. I go to London every now and thdn and its not enough. My kids know it. They love it too. But it would seem sad that their Dad wont be around. He said he would come and see us every weekend. But its a 6 hr commute into London each way and I really doubt he can keep this up withiut burning out.
Im not entirely sure whats good. What I should do. And would the RELATE sessions help anyway?