How not to get into silly games…..

[curiousgeorgia]

I've heard the gas lighting term used often and although I've read a lot about it's effects I'm not sure?.

So this is a bit of how it is. He is charming and caring, attentive and committed to a future (indeed has begun moving in, bit by bit, although rather sooner than I'd anticipated it has to be said).

Yet when I open up and make myself vulnerable (about my insecurities - we all have them) he seems to go off the radar for a bit and I'm left wondering what that's about. I don't chase him after the first text to say hi, I wait. He tends to avoid conversations that he finds difficult himself.

Our shared vision of where we're at is not the one he tells other people, namely family. It's a partial version. For that reason I have made it clear I will not make our plans public with my family until he decides he can do the same - openly and with us there together.

I AM NOT OW and never have been, although I have been the injured party in a rather seedy love triangle of my ex's making !!!!!!!!!!

I hate game playing and don't want to feel as though this is what is happening - but my usually razor sharp mind is, to say the least confused.

Yes, change the locks.

I'm afraid that no matter how much you would like "closure" it's unlikely you will get it.

Your instincts seem spot on, he's not able to be honest with you so he's no great loss, even if you are feeling crappy about it now.

Gather up his things, leave a matter of fact message about collecting them and then move on, with the support of your lovely friends (and Mumsnet).

"Yet when I open up and make myself vulnerable (about my insecurities - we all have them) he seems to go off the radar for a bit and I'm left wondering what that's about. I don't chase him after the first text to say hi, I wait. He tends to avoid conversations that he finds difficult himself. "

Read this. Ring any bells?:

Carla often feels lonely, but she's not sure why. Things look pretty good to outsiders. She struggles with self-doubt. She has tried so hard, for so long, to make Mark happy. She is becoming exhausted and yet, things don't seem to be getting better. She feels frustrated, because no matter what she does, she can't seem to connect with Mark on a deeper level. Sure, they talk. They talk about the bills, chores, doctor visits, the neighbours. Things seem to go fairly well as long as she supports everything he does - and never shares a differing opinion.

And Carla has certainly learned to not be too vulnerable, not to express too many emotions. When she forgets this and begins sharing her heart with Mark, he often says nothing and then quietly dismisses himself into the next room. He gives no response and acts as it she wasn't speaking. She has learned to not follow him to persist in continuing her conversation, lest she get the look - the look scorning her for being to emotional, too sensitive, too intense, always negative, always going on and on. Or the 'Oh no, here you go again' or the 'What, are you crazy?' look.
Carla has learned to shut down, because experience has taught her that nothing productive happens once she gets the look. She has come to know that no matter how hard she tries to express her thoughts or her feelings it only gets worse. She only gets further devalued'

'You might be a Narcissist If... How to identify narcissism in Ourselves and Others and what we can do about it' Paul Meier, Lisa Charlebois, Cynthea Munz

(They go on to describe coldness and withdrawing of affection, sex, and then affairs and the reason why. And believe me they aren't exaggerating)

I'm not following, wobbly - in your extract, is Carla the narcissist and Marks response because he is trying to cope with her - or is it Mark who is the narcissist? Sorry to be dense...

It's Mark, Walkacross. He takes it as read that Carla will be endlessly fascinated by his issues and supportive to him, yet punishes her if she dares to express thoughts & feelings of her own. Like most people in her situation, Carla's learned to self-censor and ignore her own feelings.

Good to hear your cocklodger has lodged somewhere else, georgia, and reassuring that you have lovely friends to shore you up through your disappointment! I agree it's a good idea to get new locks, change all passwords, and so on. Horrible to have to think that way; the man seems to have an overdeveloped sense of entitlement, so it's best to be over-cautious here.

Thanks, GB - sorry to take a while to notice, I wandered away for a bit!

So I think what I was trying to say to the OP this is a big red flag, don't dismiss it, test it further and see if he is capable of 'hearing' you.

Because if he won't/can't, you WILL be very lonely with this man. Forewarned is forearmed.

I was warned not to marry my H 'because he will make you very unhappy'. But I wasn't told why and I was too hooked to listen. The fact that 'my' friends subtly didn't like him flew over my head also.

I made my own bed of suffering, IMO.

Sounds like your radar is finely honed .. Well done for getting rid

Well done for not agreeing to being USED. He knew you weren't going to settle for lip service and being manipulated.

God there are some twunts out there.

PLEASE change the locks. Google it, go to the hardware store, you can do this yourself!