We have a twelve year old and a twelve week old, and I think we're going to split up.

[Cathycomehome]

There's noone else involved. We just bicker, and he snipes at me, and I'm so unhappy. I look forward to him coming home and DS 1 coming home, and then when they do, the rows just start. I'm starting to think it would be healthier for both of our children and us if we split.

Really sorry you are going through this. Are both children mutual? Or is no.1 from a previous relationship?

If not, then you've done all this before and it was fine or you wouldn't still be together. Maybe you had moved on from the baby stage and it's a shock to be back there? Whatever, it's kind of early days. Bickering isn't abnormal. I'm separating now with dc 11 and 9 and it's horrible, horrible. I thought it was what I wanted, and it is, in so many ways, but it's still so much more painful than I could ever have imagined.

If I had known how Gothically awful the last few months would be, I would have done anything earlier on to arrest the rot and sort out our marriage so I would have never had to go through this.

I urge you to do this. I wanted this so much, but could never have imagined the grief I'm feeling now. That's not an exhortation to stay in an unhappy relationship, but it has really shocked me how terrible it's been and I would urge anyone who can stop things getting to this point to try and sort it before it's too late.

Your baby is still quite young. Get some counselling, therapy, ask for help from family and friends. Don't imagine 'escape' is the answer, because it's hideous. Make sure you've tried all the positive steps you can take before you try the other.

Good luck x

Gosh, thank you so much for your post. Both children mutual, yes, and I do think we've forgotten a bit what it's like with a small one, also, I feel like my partner's being much more loving with DS 2 than he was with DS 1 which is understandable in some ways but annoys and worries me. Lots to think about, thanks for input.

Ps, sorry you're having such a hard time. X

I wonder if the fact that you have just had a baby and your body and hormones are still out of kilter (and don't talk about the lack of sleep) that is making you unhappy. This is always such a difficult times and some DH's can be so out of tune.

You don't say if this is a long standing problem, and if it is truly just bickering, then there are loads of other options to try first.

You say you look forward to him coming home, perhaps the problem is the bickering not the marriage. Can you and DH work out a plan so you agree not to rise to the bait, and learn not to push each others buttons.

Good luck.

Thanks, I am really tired, it's true, and also (tmi, sorry!) got my period back this week, so....

Good advice. I have been tending to be very sensitive, I think. He said today that I snapped at him for no reason. It was because he wanted to pick up DS 2and cuddle him as soon as he got through the door and said how much he'd missed "his baby" when DS 1 was waiting to show him his football trophy, to which he just said, dismissively, "oh yeah, well done then", and wandered off to have a shower

Sad behaviour. V sad for DS1 as he will notice DP's behaviour but DS2 won't care who's cuddling him.
There must be some history eg DP, was he the eldest in the family or the, in his eyes, ignored middle one or does he see DS1 as a mummy's boy or is he jealous as DS1 has better opportunities or something.

Try some honest conversations at a time you won't be interrupted, heart to heart, between DP and you and DS1 and you and then if possible DP and DS1. Then maybe you can relieve the tension in the home.

Sounds similar to what me and dh were like. I have an 8 year gap in my children.
I think we had forgotten how hard having a small baby was. It was a shock to the system, a shock to dds system.
It took about 6 months of us trying hard to keep the family together. Talking about what had upset us. I felt that dh was favoring the baby over dd, he admitted at first he was. Not because the baby was his favorite but he felt the baby needed him more and then he realised how upset that made dd and how much she missed their trips to the cinema, laser quest etc.

DS is now 18 months and its not always easy, but we are at a point that i know we will not split.

But we recognised it was the massive shift in our lives that was effecting us and we wanted to work it out and stay together.

Do you feel like that? do you want to work on it or is there too much wtaer under the bridge?

Someone made the point, ages ago, that there ought to be a law or something banning couples from splitting in the first 2yrs of a child's life, just because those years are so mind buggeringly difficult.

My own dc were under 2 and my relationship was foundering badly. I stuck it out, had counseling, and it is getting better now.

Maybe there's some hope? Sorry things are tough.

Must add, so's not to sound smug, it's gone from bloody awful to generally bearable..

Thanks all. I feel bit more hopeful. It has been a big adjustment for all of us, I guess, maybe these are teething troubles which we can work on. Everyone seems to be in a remarkably good mood this evening, I think maybe I won't rock the boat tonight and try to get some time to talk things through over the weekend.