How to deal with family members you dislike when it comes to contact with your children?

[StarryCole]

I need some tips on dealing with family members (IL's) who are very toxic.

I'm fine on a one-on-one or adult only scenario i.e., I can handle it, be civil, be extremely fleeting/brief with my presence if I must but come into the mix my two dear toddlers and I go f^cking bananas (inside my head, bordering wanting me to vomit).

I get why my children could (or should?) benefit from having 'a relationship' with these family members and letting them come to their own conclusions but how do you handle it when such 'visits' are required?

I'm currently under negotiations with DH about taking my kids to see his parents as there is a big birthday coming up. Thanks

Your relationship may be toxic and you may dislike them but do your kids like them? Are they good to your kids?

What does your DH feel about his toxic parents these days?. Is he still in the FOG with regards to them (FOG is an acronym for fear, obligation, guilt)?. Is he still trying so desperately to seek their approval (approval they will never give him). This may be also why you are in apparant negotiations with your DH re his parents.

Toxic families do not play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations so the first part of your second paragraph falls flat. You do not have to be a part of their game playing.

Which of his parents is making such demands re visits?. People from such toxic families end up playing roles; what roles are being played out here and which role is your DH playing (scapegoat for all their inherent ills?).

Why should your children be subjected to visiting such awful people like his parents?. They being young would not realise they are being manipulated and used. You as parents both need to protect your children from such toxic influences; they do not bring anything positive into your lives and such toxic people more often than not make for being toxic grandparents as well. Showing overt favouritism towards one sibling over another or buying their affections are tactics used by such people.

You may want to read Toxic Inlaws written by Susan Forward as this book goes into the dynamics of such relationships.

Why on earth would children benefit from having contact with toxic relations? I just don't understand that. Surely everything we do is to keep our children safe?

"I get why my children could (or should?) benefit from having 'a relationship' with these family members and letting them come to their own conclusions but how do you handle it when such 'visits' are required?"

How did you arrive at such an erroneous conclusion?. You would not tolerate this from a friend, family are truly no different. Toxic families never ever play by the "normal" rules governing familial relations.

Any current boundaries you have with regards to these people need to be now set a hell of a lot higher.

tips here, from a pro

Hi StarryCole first of all (if you remember my post of "leave me alone you Monsters) I don't have much advice as I couldn't deal with my toxic ils, however I honestly do believe that if my exH would have been protective and create standard boundaries with his family, things would have been much easier. I suggest you speak to your dh about your views regarding his parents in a very diplomatic way(else he'll just assume you are being unreasonable and resenting them and he'll end up being very over protective to them anytime you bring up that subject on the table)
I hope he'll understand but if he doesn't, good luck with the visits and be strong. Sometime in the future your dcs will open up their eyes and see them for what they are toxic!

I couldn't deal with mine and neither exH, and I've never been any happier without having to see/visit them!

Goodluck hun :)

Thanks everyone for your contributions. I will be reading the book from Dr. Susan Forward, as recommended by HotDAMNlifeisgood. Appreciate!!