Have you ever been upset about the end of a relationship......

[perceptionreality]

thought you were in love with the person at the time, and then later when you got over it, when your head got out of that space you saw the man for the awful person he was and felt horrified you ever wanted to be with him?

This has happened to me. I'm horrified about the way this man treated me. And angry - at myself...

Ooooooooooh yes. I think most people probably have.

Yep

Be angry at him. He's the one who treated you horrifyingly badly.

But yes, I understand, and sympathise.

You're right, HotDamn, but I am angry at myself because I chose to stay with him for much longer than I should have.

We live, we learn Sometimes we make the same mistakes time and time again.

You chose to stay too long because you're a nice person that wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. Stop beating yourself up!

Well, this was the length it took for you to work it out. So it is how long you needed. We all do what we can with the knowledge and abilities we have at the time.

And look: you got out. Go you!

oh, yes indeed

with bells and knobs on

Oh yes, currently going through it myself. I ended it after being lied to, when he came clean I could see what we had (or didn't) armed with the full facts and walked away from him. I feel dreadful and just want to get over him, think I'd fallen in love :(

How long were you together OP? You (we) will get over it. I'm just glad I found out the extent of his womanising ways now rather than another year down the line.

Yes.

Was with my first BF for 5 years and it's only now that I can see how controlling he was. I wouldn't say abusive, but definitely controlling. He once told me I'd changed because I was drinking mineral water, not tap. This was a serious issue in his mind and he went on about it for ages. So glad I'm not with him.

Yes

And, 3 years ago I reported him for indecent assault and illegal intercourse - he'd been 25 and I was 14.

well done, tb

I could spend hours looking back and wondering why the hell I was in some of the relationships I had. Seriously, I do worry that I must have had some sort of issues to end up with the idiots that I dated, slept with, and on a few occasions lived with.

Then I look at my life now, and realise that there is nothing I can do to change the past, it has probably made me what I am now, and all I can do is use it as a reminder that I grew up, sorted myself out, and eventually did meet a decent bloke, and married him.

A woman who has never been in a crap relationship with an arsehole is not smarter, tougher or morally superior than a woman who has. She's just luckier. For the rest of us, dating a knobber or two is a learning experience.

We were together about 8 months so not long. He was an awful man - a total sadist. Really got off on hurting me. I have never encountered that with any man either before or since - friends talking about Fifty Shades and BDSM dredged it up in my mind.

I am over it now but for some weird reason I pined for him for about as long as we had been together. Now I shudder and think thank goodness. I can't describe the relief. However, I have my therapist to thank. Talking about that relationship was very hard and I had nightmares and flashbacks when I was going through it.

To be honest, I was ill during the relationship so I couldn't act sensibly (bipolar episode). I am better now, but I still look back with disbelief. It probably doesn't help that he's the father of my youngest daughter. I hope she doesn't ever look for him. Luckily she's a lovely little girl and doesn't remind me of him at all.

mine was 18 months

relatively short in the scheme of things, and a very long time ago

it certainly tuned up my twat radar though, and kept it revving quite well ever since then

Yes. I was 18 when we got together, he had a girlfriend and 'dumped' her before we got together. I say 'dumped', because of course, he hadn't, and was still seeing her for a portion of our relationship.

He dumped me twice in the course of our relationship, was seeing someone else each time, and was one of those men that generally act more and more horrible as time goes on as he tries to make you dump him.

He was unbelievably narcissistic as well. It was only quite recently that I stopped having dreams about him where he was basically laughing at me while I tried to explain how unhappy he made me :(.

Tuned up my twat radar as well though!

whackamole - how awful :( The one I was with could never take any responsibility. All of his ex-girlfriends were 'crazy' - the break ups were all their fault. He was often getting into fights. I noticed how others seemed repelled by him.

A friend of mine, when I showed her a picture of him said 'oh but he looks normal' as if she didn't believe what I'd said about him!

I think I had a very lucky escape.

OP, I'm glad you are feeling better now and can see him for what he is. You have a permanent reminder in your little one but this is all fine. My DS's dad wasn't the nicest person and I love him (DS) more than anything in the world, he's grown up now, does know his dad who was totally lacking in the father skills and he hasn't been adversely affected by this.

I've been processing what has happened to me, very raw as it's only been a couple of days. Of course I am blaming myself for not listening to what he was really telling me all the way through, which was that he couldn't commit. I found out he'd been on holiday with another woman He tried to lie his way out of it but came clean after when I'd worked it out in my head. Denied that they had sex blah, blah, blah.

He wasn't really listening to me either when I kept saying that if the truth hit me in the face I would be off and I've subsequently dumped him. Beating myself up for burying my head in the sand and getting involved. I suppose I looked for the best in him and hoped it was all talk and commitment ishooos. What and idiot, I've been .