Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Honestly don't know been trying to do it for last 2 or 3 years. Wimp.

Why do you consider yourself a wimp dotty?

Because I aint got the bottle to do what I should do.

That sounds more like you preparing yourself and knowing the answers as she's said them before.

Do you know what you'd say and what her answer would be and could we help you with it?

Do you feel you should confront her dotty? Why?

No I don't know bloody confused again she's never answered anything except to say she didn't know anything

Its 10 weeks today until plea hearing shouldn't be counting down the weeks but getting on with normal life.

FWIW dotty I only think you should confront your mother if you think it will help you feel better. Given her past reactions I seriously doubt that'll happen.

Cailin yes I do think I owe it to myself she treats him like this perfect child gushing over his every achievment he's 54 and she's known since I was 16 had a hint of something when I was 12 she supposed to be my mum.

I would die for my kids

I think I would kill myself if I didn't have to be here for my children. Just quite coldly, really, life is very hard and I would quite like a rest. Does that count as "suicidal feelings"? My kids they matter more to me than my feelings.

I confronted mine, just made them more sure I'm crazy, helped me though.

On a side note, did anybody else notice mnhq telling us to ignore their test post and notice that we all did :o got to be the only thread on mn that could happen on.

Clearly I'm too obedient mashed, I would follow orders wherever they posted

What was that about?

Oh look you've ruined it now mashed!

And we'll never know now!

Offred the kids is what stopped me leaving this world many times over DS still needs me according to his SW they all do.

Think I'm great mum dotty really, just there isn't anything in life for me as an actual person, not even DH, think i'm this millstone/albatross round his neck me and my fricking fertility and messed up shit. I just find it very difficult and am so unhappy. I know it would destroy the children, big dcs would go to abusive xp, small ones would be broken forever. Hope in the future things won't be so hard. 17 years it is for me since things started to go so wrong, 17 years out of my life, out of only 28, it stands to reason life would feel hard right now. I just hope I can be happy one day because I can't kill myself now I have children.

Freaking out about xp, things have changed, feel like i can't deal with him anymore, feel like the children shouldn't have to.

Hugs Offred I understand I really do I don't even remember life before the abuse or what had 3 years where I filed it away then it blew up were all in simalir positions here xx

I had to really laugh about the "test" thing, so silly :)

Offred I think that would constitute suicidal feelings, not that labelling it helps very much. When I was suicidal I didn't want to die as such, it was more that I really wanted a break from being me and the only way I could see of doing that was to die. I was close to doing it a few times, the only thing that stopped me was thinking how devastated DH would be, I stayed for him. Now I can say hand on heart that I stay for myself.

What's going through your mind at the moment Offred?

I get where you're coming from dotty, I feel the same about my mother. I don't understand how she can be so cold, it's like she has no maternal feelings toward me at all.

My suicidal thoughts were just how to stop the pain, I literally felt like an articulated lorry had ploughed right through my body and left a raw bleeding gaping hole, so I'm trying to sew it up and stem the bleeding and yes it was/is all for ds atm although partially for me now.

I am way too obedient when it comes to authority shame it's for crap reasons for all of us.

How's it going Offred?

yes, me too with the authority thing too Mashed...even with the librarian today

I've had a busy afternoon out and about with DCs (library & beach) and was absolutely fine until I've just had to give DCs their tea - mashed potatoes, peas and fish fingers and putting the mash on the plate brought back teatimes with her at home, slopping down the food. Mashed potatoes especially.

I think I might ban them from my house.

No therapist this evening, money too tight this week, so I got books from the library to help me this evening a bit once DCs go to bed

Youcan - was just going to say, if you can't yet face your GP or counselling, check your library section, I got some great books on depression etc.

Also got this one: 'Mad, Bad And Sad: A History of Women and the Mind Doctors from 1800' by Lisa Appignanessi

Hoping it can give me some insights to what on earth is going on with me at the moment. Historically, there have been women like me floating around for yonks.

That, to me, is some strange kind of comfort

sorry- didn't mean to barge on in and start rambling wildly

I have that book Belle :) It's a long time since I read it but it is very interesting.

dotty - just going back to sthing you mentioned earlier, that maybe you would have had MH issues anyway, had it not happened to you? Do you think so? Why?

Does anyone else wonder this about themselves?

I have wondered this, that if I had been raised without the atmosphere at home, would I still be such a drag through the day type of person, who cannot wait until it's time to sleep each day

or would I be one of those I can do anything types, you know the ones, always bubbling over with joy, loads of energy, loads of mates, great career successes, blah blah blah