Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

DS is in bed, halleluia! He went down with no fuss, he was absolutely wrecked.

Can you explain the "disconnected" feeling Olympic?

Were doing usual tuesday speaking to my dr has really helped as lot sounds mad as well but DH grabbed me when I started bubbling and just held on to me usually I just hide it from him he says I'm not to.

let it out to your DH dotty, he sounds like he understands you and wants to help

am shattered
in bed, will prob go to sleep in 10 mins
dont want tv noise or books this evening, too much
so bloody tired

good you feeling more at ease with yourself olympic, what do you think helped?

glad your LO is asleep Cailin, it's hard when DH goes away, mine does often with work. I just comfort eat when he's away. works for me.

I don't know.

I'm processing all the therapy stuff, I feel like I could pass a masters in psychology. I know psychologist I can run rings round. I can see abusive people/abuse in the blink of an eye and find it difficult when glaringly obvious abusive behaviour is not seen, especially with those who work in that field

I think I have become detatched from humans as people and instead of reacting emotionally, I react clinicly

This is good in a sense but I hope not permanent

I know I'm not perfect

Dotty, hugs.

Getup, I have days like that, sometimes it's good to just be with no stimuli at all.

Cailin, break open the choc's

None of us are thinking I'm going to try get out more maybe do me good

i understand what you mean olympic

this morning i had a rare break as DH took Dcs to school etc and I stayed home but fell asleep for 2 hrs

But felt mega lazy for doing

so then later after a busy afternoon with Dcs out and about, I cleaned All the floors amd bathrooms and kitchen, made dinner etc. Thing is, I KNOW I dis this as I felt so guilty for sleeping this morning. DH couldnt care less, says I could sleep all day if I needed to

but just my upbringing again, lying around, sleeping in daytime was discouraged greatly. sigh.

Sadly for so many survivors of abuse wasn't just the abuser that screwed with their life/head it was parents.

It's good that you recognise that getup, that's a good start.

oh and she rang me about an hour ago, really strange friendly tone of voice but absolutely nothing to say. It was at 7.30, so she would have known I was putting kids to bed. i said so, and wished her well on her holiday with my father.
eugh. there is just NOTHING there in my heart for her. She was so wrong. I feel nothing for her. I dont want her to tell me trivial things about her holiday, I dont want her to ask me how I am, i dont want her to ask how DCs are, I dont want her voice, in my ear, in my home. So i need to stop picking up that phone damn it. I just feel somewhere that to be a part of my life, the person has to have earned it, that is prob harsh of me, but i cant let any person into my life, hence my struggle with friendships, so I cant let her have access to my heart and soul either.

grrr. she just makes me grrr. all happy go lucky in her tone as though she has never done anything wrong in her entire life. what a fraud.

i was cranky and tired before she rang, now I just want to sleep and never waken

or move to the other side of the world - again. funnily we came back so dcs would have time to know their family etc. how silly of us. maybe we can move again somewhere, to really get peace?

how are you today stmoritz and chips and offred?

hey, I'm ok today, feeling a bit ill though, feverish. how are you

here's a hot lemon drink for you st moritz

am ok thanks. ranted 4 posts ago, so am now ok, deary me, i do a lot of whingeing, am worse than my DD age 3

thanks me'dear

I have 3 year old ds. Drives me insane but makes me wet myself laughing.

I was hoping, on this thread, to be able to get some vague/clear signs of having been abused as a kid. I feel like I want to explore my own head now and try to find out if anything did go on. I have read the 'I cant do it right now' rule so much appreciate and understand that. Will maybe rsearch online if it's too much for anyone to go into x

i think if you just get it out of your head, onto here, then someone somewhere out there or a regular on here will pick up on parts of it which you may not notice, and point you to some clearer perpsective on it

personally, my experience was as a survivor member of a family, as my sister was the target never me, so am possibly not the 'best' person to advise you

but just get it out, it will do you good - catharsis and all that

as you could research online, and come across so many potential answers, but getting answers or clarity here from real human beings would help so much more too perhaps

Hi, stmoritz, I have to really work hard to stop the flashbacks at night/in my dreams, so very sorry for being unable to answer your question. I might be able to now so ask away but beware it may be triggering for those who have visual flashbacks.

Getup, rant away.

Back to disconnection, I'm scared I'm an abuser so don't want to connect. I'm scared I'm my mother which I don't want and know isn't true. Btw I've told her I'm away on holiday for the whole of july [cheesy grin] not sure she'll believe me.

olympic, it is a sort of a headwreck tryijg to raise our own kids, when little things will trigger memories so much, that sometimes, it must be normal to wonder how those things could have been done by a parent, if we were to do them...but we dont do them. THAT is the difference. THAT makes you a better parent than ypu had. That is what clearly distinguishes you as a non abuser

we just cant being ourselves to do them to our own

if you are in the middle of going through so much atm with flashbacks etc, it is bound to happen that you will question yourself and your connection to your own DCs, but I can only assume it is because you are trying to get a grip on what happened to you

and by associating their behaviour, with potentially how you could change your behaviour to abuse like they did, that is a big connection, but you are choosing to parent differently

you are making the stronger choice

rambling

-bring, not being

-do that to our own

sorry

Stmoritz, different survivors have different behaviours due to the different types of abuse that they go through. Some externalise their emotions, some internalise. I have never been an outwardly expressive survivor but I know someone who is.

I kept myself to myself, I dissociate, which is basically splitting my persona, as I was violently attack. Some people dissociate after prolonged abuse. A lack of recall could be dissociation. Do you have any periods lately where you can't remember hours?