Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I think everyone struggles to a certain extent Belle - I'm not sure the "bubbling over with joy" person really exists. My younger sister is a very level "normal" person, very happy and positive, but she still has days that are hard to get through and she still doubts herself from time to time.

I do wonder about the MH issues though. I think that while the abuse has contributed to how I am, and that without it I wouldn't have struggled so much, I also think that to an extent my problems are a symptom of who I am. I do wonder what I would have been like in a different family - I could have had great "success" I think, if I'd had more encouragement and love.

me too

if my mother had looked after my teeth more, if we were made to feel we could do anything, that we would go far...

we siblings sort of raised each other, where those things were concerned, which is why I get so when she tries to take credit for my sibling's success or happiness, as it's more of a case of 'there by the grace go we', as it could have been potentially much worse, we were so often on the edge of her terror, had she just lashed out harder, on whatever occasion, who's to say the physical damage would have been much more

but she was very careful to only lash out to the legs, arms or back

never the face

grrrr

Offred, are you feeling ok?

Oh god I just realised how I have the same feelings as someone else

I have wanted to kill myself for so so long. I haven't because of my children.
But sometimes I feel my children have trapped into 'living'
I sound like a cruel bitch ..sometimes i resent that I had children (when in a bad place) because I have no way out now.

I clearly remember when i was 15 saying to myself...when it gets too bad you can just kill yourself.

I also have a fear of authority. COnfrontation. It feels like you have realised my feelings for me.

I get desperate - like a wild animal trapped in a catch you know? Cannot (die) but am fighting to get away from something.
I love my children - would die for them.

Hugs Youcan

When I started posting on here, I too, was shocked but reassured to find so many here share similar feelings towards things in life and share similar ways of dealing with things

I've kept posting and rambling and each week I've been feeling that it's not just the therapy that is helping me feel 'lighter' or something, but that feeling accepted and validated by this group thread of strangers, is giving me back the voice that I felt I had lost, that I felt she had taken away forever

just keep posting, writing it all out, it really does help so much

we are here to listen - that's the thing - there is no criticism any more, those people who controlled, who criticised, who blamed, who hurt, etc - are so much in the wrong and cannot be allowed to hold that on us any more, for any further second of our lives

how many kids do you have Youcan?

Belle I probably would have still had MH issues because of having DS he ground me into the ground although not his fault all the fighting for him and getting assaulted by him day in day out was tough.

At home I got off lighter being the youngest but my middle sister more or less raised me IYSWIM she left home when I was 10 and from about 11 I was always at her house after her DS1 was born.

Then we moved to Scotland when I was 15 and I was alone with them again locked in second floor flat etc you get the picture.

Yep Dotty, see what you mean

so Dotty, in a way, it was always you in the middle of something, no matter what you did?

Belle ?? Sorry I'm lost.

ooo do I need to name change again? :o

I have been accused of being critical on the thread to someone. At the time my inner child was triggered as I felt something said was unfair but I'll keep my mouth shut now.

Am away to name change

sorry Dotty, just read your last post, sounded like you were always in the middle of exchanges or issues between others in your family

so it was them with the problem, but now it is hard to see that?

sorry - don't mean to upset or offend, just saying that, although I was also always in the middle of stuff going on around me, it was just as bad, being surrounded by it, and not being able to stop it

tell me to get lost if you like, I do tend to ramble too much on here

have to do bedtime in a bit anyhow

what does a namechange do Mashed?

mashed -from what I remember, you just said you weren't going to read a link right at that very moment or sthing

nothing really major, in my book anyhow

Didn't see it mashed I wouldn't bother it will blow over soon enough

I have two children, dd6 and ds3

When I have a good few weeks I sometimes 'try' and remember what happened throughout my childhood. Narc mother and abusive step father, non-existent bio father etc I try to 'make' myself cry - to feel upset.

I feel that all the time I am upset I am confronting it and I am actually more ill all the time I am concealing it.

Mashed - did you have a problem on another thread? Hope you are ok

Thanks for the hugs belle....
Thank you all for letting me just swan back in.....

mashed has been turfed.

Belle, don't worry about posting, everyone here talks a lot of sense.

Youcan, hugs.

Hope everyone else is ok.

youcan - can I ask, do you think since childbirth, have the memories been triggered? Triggered by not the birth itself, but by now having kids of your own

(back to me, again, I can say that since having DS 5 yrs ago, and DD 3 yrs ago, that yes, memories have come flooding back. Prior to kids, I think I was feeling 'normal' whatever that is)

Youcan, no I'm having an identity crisis and can't stop namechanging, any excuse really.

A thought changing book for me was earths children series. Made me see life doesn't always have to have bad people in it.

hello Olympic

Thanks for the hugs.

Is everyone here at the moment going through some form of councilling? I may try and see what there is for self referral in my area....

Youcan, you can (:)) come and go as you please, you will always be welcome.

How on earth do you come up with so many names Olympic? I struggled to find just one!

For some weird reason I have been feeling desperately homesick today. I've been in England nearly 4 years and this is the first time it has hit me so hard, I have no idea why. I bought an Irish Times at the shop this morning and it was nice to read something that's written in my tone of voice if that makes sense? Then later, coincidentally, DS was watching "Zingzillas" on CBeebies and they had Irish music and dancers on and I actually burst into tears! God I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't think I ever want to live in Ireland again but perhaps I'm starting to accept the good things about the time I lived there, rather than dwelling on the bad things?

I'm not in counselling at the moment Youcan but I definitely need it, I'm working up the courage to sort it out, it's a tough step for me. I'm nearly there.

Youcan - I reluctantly have seen a therapist each Tues for the past 2 weeks. Supposed to be going for 6 sessions initially. I hate it before I go, but after, I feel a little bit better each week. Not marvellous, but not as heavy/burdened/full of leadweight/worry/stress as before

Youcan I'm looking for more counselling had 11 sessions at rape crisis but dfinished early april although I think I'm coming to the end of this bad spell.