Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I remember saying when younger that I'd never smack mine but they where very rarely found other ways eldest got her bottom smacked hard by DH at 3 when DS was a week old and she kicked and punched me in the stomach she was very aware of what she was doing from an early age only time she ever got smacked. Had to phone DH to come home from work 10 o'clockish at night she refused to come in for me.

Dotty it's one thing to smack out of desperation, which I'd say the vast majority of parents do at some point, and it's entirely another to calmly choose it as a method of discipline. In smacking debate threads there are always a few parents who say they smack regularly (I think one poster said 2-3 a month, which IMO is a lot) and despite there being other less cruel methods they continue to smack.

I just can't do it - but I saw yesterday, how my mother would use our behaviour as an excuse to just lash out, and yes Cailin, to feel powerful

She is forever on a power trip with someone, family or not, about something

It's so hard being a parent, as I don't want them getting to think they can get away with murder, but at the same time, as me & DH say in our house, we won't smack them because, if he isn't allowed to lob one on his boss at work, then why should we be allowed to lob our kids, who we 'made with love' Bit gushy sometimes DH

I mean, I saw yesterday, how I was really at my limit with them, so I took 10 mins in the bathroom, took off my makeup, did moisturiser etc while they wailed and tantrumed

It gave me time to handle the next 10 mins, and I was calmer to give them a hug which calmed everyone down

sounds very cheesy, but would rather hug them, and give them no biscuits for a week, than lift a finger to them as I know how scary that feels

and do bugger all else until 12. Fully knackered here.

Belle that's true when DD1 had her horrendous tantrums I would either put her in her cot or the hallway when older and shut her in there [bad mummy] 9 times out of 10 she would fall asleep DS and DD2 never had tantrums as such DD2 at 3 would cry herself to sleep at the door curtain whenever I went out to work she was a mummys girl and didn't really know her daddy as until he was taken ill she was normally in bed before he came in for dinner-break and so in reality saw him one day a week and an hour or 2 a day that one could sleep 5.45 at night until 8/9 am and still have 2 naps a day. she was such an easy going wee girl until she hit 6.

That one time I was sobbing in a heap demoralised.

dotty, it's hard, when they're all so different, and just when they get to an age that seems to be easier, then they go bang into another phase

Tantrums are just such a trigger for me, all the noise, the stress, I just get sensory overload and have to walk away, they just don't stop, no matter what I do! So bathroom for 10 mins it will be for me!

But today, they do understand that I was grumpy because they were screaming and kicking off, and that if they want biscuits or sweets or whatever then we need to be 'friends'. They said they will try. Bless, they're only 3 and 5

Bit gushy and lovey lovey I know, very pink pastels and cupcakes eugh

but so glad and proud of myself I held it together, as it was the biggest tantrum in a while

Sounds good Belle. I went out to the shop with DS and stopped in the park on the way back. There was an older foreign lady (Polish I think, she spoke very little English) doing some exercise on the outdoor equipment. DS of course had to go up and stare at her and as soon as she showed a tiny bit of interest in him he insisted she pick him up. I don't like when he does that because it's hard for a person to refuse but she seemed happy enough and carried him around and played with him about 10 minutes. She showered him with attention which DS absolutely loves, especially from the older ladies :) As we were leaving she said "here tomorrow again?" and I had to say no because we're busy. It was a strange sort of encounter but nice too :) She clearly enjoyed cuddling a little one and made lots of "ooh lovely" noises about DS which he lapped up.

I know it's a horrible thing to think, but in some ways I wish DS wasn't so friendly. He will go with literally anyone. I wonder if I was like that too when I was little, and was that partly the reason my abusers targeted me :(

yep Dotty, know well the sodding heap and demoralised...it is mental, it really is. Bathroom, sitting on floor, sodding heap (that was me yest, before I took the makeup off to distract myself) Using one of Mashed grounding techniques I think!!

Oh Cailin, he sounds adorable

Why do you think that would have made your abusers target you? Are you blaming yourself in some way? Forgive me if I'm barking up wrong tree again

DS is only 18 months so still quite easy to cajole and cart around. I haven't had to deal with any major meltdowns yet, so I really don't know how I'll react if and when they happen. He's an easygoing soul, I hope it lasts!

Cailin he's at that age where their either shy to everyone or over friendly and to young to explain about the baddies out there he's a little innocent and it sounds like your doing a fantastic job with him x

I don't know if I'm blaming myself really. I suppose I just need to explore these feelings. DS is a very very friendly boy, wherever we go he wanders around "chatting" to people, on the bus he has to catch the eye of the nearest person and get them to laugh, that sort of thing. He really is lovely but I do feel sometimes it could make him a target. Is that mad?

DD1 had a temper from day she was born believe it or not would never of believed it actually possible. Even the nurse carrying her down when we left turned and said butter wouldn't melt in the mouth about her. She's 21 2 weeks today and a wonderful young lady.

Ah yep, I see what you mean Cailin
Your protective instincts completely. I had a friend years ago, who said that she remembers once a man and a friend driving past her and a friend when they were walking near their home, he wound down window, tried to chat to them...her take on it was, that he was a potential abductor, but as she was so chatty chatty as a kid, it put him off - as she was loud, chatty...

not sure if this helps, but if he is developing into a chatty, confident boy, it will mean he will possibly be a stronger character to deal with life, than a withdrawn kind of child

does that make sense? so him being so strong and confident is a good thing, he has a strong sense of himself already, and will then have a good radar of how to interpret people, and their behaviour, so even himself, he will sense well if someone has good intentions or not.

My 5 yr old has a well developed radar, even since a baby, as I told you about that babysitting incident when he was just 17mths with my mother, and ever since, he won't let her hug him, or brush his hair or put on his jumper - and I never apologise for him. He is his own person, with his own rights, even at such a young age

ahhh sorry long post I do ramble with coffee in my system

you've done a good job Dotty if she's a wonderful young lady at 21
Do you have any tips?

Belle thats down to you being a fab mummy though you do what's right for your children I remember being asked by a guy if I wanted to go for a ride with him aged about 8 all the kids knew him he was always working on his car NOW I knew not to go with strangers but went with IT and let him do what the hell he wanted [bizarre]

I get what you mean Belle. It just makes me sad that I will have to help DS curb his lovely trusting nature and teach him as he gets older that of all those people that he is so interested in, a few of them will want to hurt him. It's so bloody shit :(

That said, I think I had good radar too as a child. I didn't want to go with my abuser at all but my mother told me to stop being silly and made me go anyway. Fucking bitch.

oh Cailin

Not really Belle our home was very disorganised meals and bed times all over the place let them be who they where total opposite to my homelife but we had fun days out as well. Alot of the disorganisation though was because of having to spend so much time with DS I think that having a disabled sibling makes them grow up to soon unfortunately have lots of friends with disabled kids and their experience is much the same.

feeling like your mother was complicit, so in the same way as my father who I have a better relationship with now than my mother, was around when she was in a rage, but did nothing to calm her down, or take her outside for a walk or something. ANYTHING. Idiots the lot of them.

Theres the differnce Cailin you KNEW what was happening was wrong I didn't maybe that's why I carried so much guilt around for so long in some ways still do.

Yes I do feel she was complicit. I suppose she would claim that she didn't know at the time what would happen. But in the next breath she would also say that what happened was just "one of those things" and that I should "get over it." I can't believe any mother would think that.

nothing wrong with disorganised homelife Dotty - I grew up in a regime and it was miserable. So here, if something spills, or floor is messy with toys, I leave it until they go to bed

They are usually in the middle of some random creative play so who am I to go in and tidy it all away?! That would be like someone coming in when I am in the middle of doing a drawing, and saying tidy it all up now (as my mother often did - she understood NOTHING about creative flow)

eugh

i think if your kids still want to see you and spend time with you when they're past 18, it is the biggest compliment you can ever have as a parent