Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Getup, I know, I think with my ds I just can't relate to how he sees the world, especially now he's nearly adult, he doesn't have the experience I have.

With rl people, I sometimes feel like they can see right through other times not see me at all.

I know I'm not abusive as a parent as I have no conditions, I talk to him, I teach him, guide him, let him make his decisions. I just worry I have my mothers verbal style, which again I know I don't after her latest email. She has nothing but conditions.

Im beginning to realise Im an odd mix, I have been in a DV/abusive situation - which means DCs experiences have triggered for me, what a lot of parents would only imagine, I know.

Reading the chart, I was a thriver, I was so happy when I met DH, I felt, absolutely safe, absolutely happy, absolutely content as an adult for the first time in my life.

Im hovering between victim/survivor now.

I feel really guilty, feeling so low, so depressed so bad, after all this happened to DC not me, but I cant sleep, I have dreadful nightmares, unconnected, sometimes, I dream the abuser is back in our lives and everything is normal again, I wake up feeling absolutely sick that I could dream such a thing. I do feel like I missed signs that I should have picked up on - hence blame.

At the same time I know abuser was very clever and clearly set out to hide the abuse from everyone. I had no idea at all what was happening.

I feel massively detached from lots of things at the moment, sometimes even from my own children, the younger DCs especially, there are times when their sheer neediness is just too much, and of course they sense it, so they get clingier, which makes me worse, those are the blackest days, when DH comes homes and I just go to my room. I only hide in my room if DC isnt here though, I hide the blackness as best I could, Im trying (not always succeeding I fear), not to let my own issues interfere with DC, although DC isnt stupid, the fact I no longer work cant have escaped their attention.

At the same time, Im terrified to let DCs out of my sight, one DC is due full time school in September, I really, really, really dont want to let him go, Im struggling to allow them to lead "normal" lives. DH says I have to, that is ready and I cant hold him back, but the idea of him being with older children, well .................................................................................................................

I miss my old. happy life, so terribly much, then I feel guilty for missing it, because in my old life DC was being abused, therapist says its ok to miss it because thats normal but I still feel its wrong.

DC has today decided to "sack" their counsellor, has informed the cousellor and then rung home and told me, says they dont need counselling anymore (with Grandma today). I didnt say anything except OK, as I dont think I can order DC to attend counselling, but there were huge improvements and Im really worried about this, DC is developing food issues, is losing loads of weight, is scared to go out, has sleeping disorders and nightmares. I was hoping the counsellor may help.

So I dont know what to say, DC is old enough I guess to decide this - I had to literally beg for the counselling, and I dont think it will be very easy to reinstate.

Damsel that poem was amazing, really resonated with me.

Sorry for essay, lots of the recent posts made me think today.

Ive just seen how long that is SO SORRY!

Olynpic "I can see abusive people/abuse in the blink of an eye "

That is one of the things now that terrifies me most for DCs, I thought the above, because of my own past, I thought I could spot an abuser from a mile off, but now,I have no faith in my own judgement at all.

The only person I trust not to hurt me/DCs is DH, I have developed mild agraphobic tendancies, and have to fight myself to leave the house without him. Initially on DCs disclosure, I didnt leave the house at all.

Hi guys, just taking a break tonight, I'm very tired and so just feel like crashing out and watching some crappy tv.

I've started a new thread here for when this one runs out. Catch up with you all tomorrow x

Just sitting chilling in car been home 20 minutes though sometimes like the peace of my own company. I wonder still about dissassociation when I hit that wall on saturday night I had all sorts of memories coming back felt really numb as well but once I came through it I couldn't remember exactly what I was thinking of I've been told I had dissassociate behaviour as a child ie not remembering the pain of what he did or even half of the things he did. Sadly remember little of my childhood my kids talk about memories from being tiny I'm only just getting tiny glimpses now at 41 feels really wrong to me.

Whydo, I know I'll never be safe from abusive people but I shut everyone out of my life and now I'm letting people in I'm terrified so trying to spot abuse everywhere, it's not a healthy place to be, shows how messed up I am and that I am very insecure.

I think it's right to let your dc decide things, just be there and listen, accept, support.

Dotty, dissociation is difficult, it's quite common in abuse survivors.

I might head off too.

Yes I am cutting more and more people out of my (and therefore our) life, I find it difficult to leave younger DCs, even with say my mum, because I cant control who she is in contact with.

I know this is a bad thing, but needs must.

YY to leaving DC to decide as well, I havent voiced any reservations about ending counselling. Not my decision.

Morning all. Good thing I went to bed at a reasonable hour last night, DS was up at 4.20! I am tired to say the least.

How is everyone doing today?

Morning all
My poor DS2 (14months) was sick a lot last night, so very tired this morning.

Are you feeling any better today Cailin? Yesterday was a rough day for you? 4.20am is very early, I feel your pain.

Another beautiful day here, hoping not to be stuck in the house with a sicky baby, so far this morning he's kept down some cheerios, so fingers crossed it's over.

Your poor DS chips :(

Moodwise I'm feeling ok but the tiredness is blagh. We're due to go to a toddler group at 9:30 but I'm wondering if it's a good idea because DS looks like a zombie (as do I). I might just go for an hour and come back in the hopes that DS will go down for a nap. He had no nap at all yesterday. Being a SAHM would be perfect if it weren't for the sleeping issues. Can't complain though really DS is a very easygoing toddler and is great fun. It's only when I'm really tired that I feel like the day is never going to end.

How are you chips?

hi cailin and chips
i went to sleep earlier than usual last night, had great sleep, feelijg remarkably pleasant and capable this morning

been trying to get DD to come to the beach this morning with me, thought of bringing a flask of hot chocolate with us.

but she is refusing, i think she needs a nap, but wont tell me that, so both of us up in my bed, she is very sleepy...fingers crossed she sleeps

sleep dictates so much Cailin when theyre little, i really need my sleep to function on a human level

It's good to get out the house sometimes, maybe the toddler group will help tire your DS for a nap. Or maybe some time in the garden?
I'm a SAHM currently too and my DS2 is a nightmare sleeper, it's hard being so tired, afternoons are the worst I find.

The beach sounds fun getup, perhaps later after a nap you could go? How old is DD? I'm lad to hear that you feel ok this morning.

I'm not doing great TBH. DS1 just came up to me while I was looking away and he kissed my leg. He's 4. I had to struggle not to freak out. I don't do well with touching or kissing when it's unexpected, I didn't realise he was there. It's never been an issue before with the boys, this is the first time that he's done that, that it has bothered me. I feel terrible, I want him to hug and kiss me whenever he wants. I managed to control my reaction so he didn't feel pushed away, but now I just feel horrible.

My DH is used to it, he always makes sure I'm aware he's there before making any contact with me, but how can I expect a 4yr old to do that.
I feel so upset over it right now.

Getup, hope the wee ones ok.

Cailin, is he being woken by something? blackout blinds are good for light, it's either the sunrise, bird chorus, cockeral, someone going to work, the milk truck. Or try asking in behaviour/development as there's a few threads about sleep stuff.

I went for a run yesterday and ache to high heaven today, have a parents thing this evening, gah!

Sorry, meant Chips, hope the wee ones ok, could you make a game out of hugs and kisses, ie, saying I'm gonna give you a big hug, so you teach them to warn you without them realising? if that makes sense.

Morning, Getup.

i usually tell dcs that gave mummy a fright, if they jump out behind a door or sthing, and set my panic button internally! it really makes me jump! or if they drop sthing loudly, or bang things

they understand now, amd say to each other, dont do that it will give mummy a fright

hope i havent scarred them for life, but they umderstand what it means to give a fright as they know for themselves what it means if they are frightened too, and can put it in words. quite valuable to be able to have the word for fear, so they can tell me if sthing happens away from me or wherever, how they felt

worth a try

With your DS chips I think it's ok to say "Please don't creep up on me DS, it gives me a fright! I love cuddles but you need to tell me you're on your way or it scares me a bit, ok?" I think it's fine for him to learn to warn people before touching them as long he knows his cuddles are very welcome. He'll naturally get better at that as he gets older anyway - small children tend to be grabby but older children less so IME.

Olympic, I think it's his teeth that are bothering him at the moment, he has a few coming up at the same time. His room is very dark and quiet so I don't think there's any problem there. My heart sank when I heard the whinging at 4:20 this morning - I did try to get him to go back to sleep, but no way he wasn't having any of it!

I must buy some trainers (feels funny saying that, in Ireland we say "runners") and start running again - I think it will really help me.

I wouldn't worry about damaging your children getup - my mother is incredibly jumpy and she just told us to be careful, it didn't bother us at all. My dad is a bit deaf and would jump out of his skin if he didn't hear you coming - one of his favourite phrases when we were growing up was "Make some noise will you!" - a very unusual thing for a parent to say :) You'd have to bash and crash coming down the stairs so as not to frighten him.

I'm not going to bother with the toddler group BTW - we're both far too tired. Just going to chill out (DS is looking at bathroom brochures currently ) for a bit and then pray he goes down for a nap. We'll head out this afternoon instead.

my dad was always very jumpy, still is, and would just yell at us if he jumped, never explained...not good. I usually say, oh sorry dudes, that made me jump, it gave me a fright! with a sort of a giggle, but they understand. bless em.

so proud of them really. they keep me 'up'.

been wondering about having a 3rd, but not sure...but wondering.

DD will be in full nursery 4 days from sept, doing her 15hrs a week thing, and a little extra, DS in school 5 days, so it may be nice to be preggers again and have a newborn. DH says he always thought we'd have 3, i do enjoy the SAHM thing and the age gaps would be 6,4 and newborn if we did, as now they are 5 and 3. Just wondering...mmm

Ooh that's exciting getup. We're hoping to have a second in the not too distant future, so fingers crossed for that! :)

Sooo of you all having lots of baba's please let me be weird internet surrogate aunty thing or just thing will do :o

Haha runners, yep, teething nightmare.

Am supposed to be working :o

DS is gone for a nap!! Wohoooooooooooooo!!!

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