Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

see, part of me wonders about a surprise, as it would really tell me that life is just like that - that I can't and shouldnt have to control everything, and just let life happen

but i should probably test that theory in other ways, other than the have another baby way!

but as mother has in no uncertain terms told me not to have more than 2 kids, and 'not to burden' myself, part of me just really wants another...to spite her and her stupid theories - not admirable motivation, but she really upset me by saying that

Twins were a big surprise belle.

HI - I used to post on here under another name but needed a change. Have been away for a couple of months I think...

I dreamt of my mum, dad and brother last night. I dream about them almost every night. And everything is normal.

I have had no contact for approaching two years and I still have them in my dreams 5 -6 nights a week. It makes me miss them and yet I hate them for what they did to me.

Anyway - as an aside.....hope everyone else got a good night's sleep? x

Offred :o aw I'd have loved that many and a dh.

Belle, 1 who I love to bits but wish he'd had siblings, I suppose in a way to make up for not having any other family. Have another kid if YOU want, not what anyone else wants. Take time at the mo to do therapy.

Dotty, yep maybe for a reason, I had treatment for cervical cancer most of my 20's so might not even have had 1 if I hadn't kept ds.

Hi Youcanring, do you want to talk more about the dream or your family? Or maybe not. Anyhow, just wanted to say hi x

DH is the good part really, I know that sounds bad. Having the twins was very difficult and stressful even though DH is the most amazing man. They are 2 1/2 now and getting easier. DS and DD are 7 and 5, with them comes a world of shit, abusive mentally ill xp. Sexual abuse in the relationship, dd result of rape. Find it hard sometimes feel like I can't cope with all the crap. Kids are lovely but hard work. Struggling with my feelings about them atm.

Hello youcanring.

Mashed as soon as I told my GP what op I had at 12 she turned and said and you've had gynae problems ever since she felt she had to give all my adult gynae records to police despite only being asked for 4 months worth from me being 12 as she can't undo what the dr's didn't do at the time that's what she told me when I thanked her for everything she'd done for me.

That bastard gave me 20 years of physical pain and the mental health issues are still ongoing I don't know maybe I would of had MH issues anyway who knows?

Mashed annoys me when people say everything happens for a reason none of us deserved this my DS doesn't deserve to be Autistic with LD's I made a comment on a fb status when they put one up comment was deleted.

Hi you can, sorry xpost, how are you now? feel free to talk about it here.

Offred, big hugs, sorry I forgot about your dd, I struggle with how much my ds looks like his dad and reminds me of the abuse, it's so difficult.

Hello Youcan

Don't worry. I feel like I'm disconnecting from all the children just now. Probably worrying too much about it tbh, haven't been able to be with them from when DH gets home but he's out at pub tonight.

Thanks ladies - just trying to catch up. Sorry if I do not know what is happening. If anyone wants my previous posting name I am happy to pm you.

I do know some of your stories and it is upsetting to see you all still here, still stuck with the aftermath of abuse. I have had a few good weeks. Not so depressed. But then I dream. Nothing awful happens in the dreams although sometimes I tell my mum about my step dad's abusing me and she doesn't believe me. This pretty much happened in real life and now my family do not want to know me.

Sounds like some of you are having a terrible time just now and I wish I could say some things to help. But there is nothing to say that can help.

Hi Youcan, it sounds like you're having flashbacks at night, I've had them.

I'm not surprised you are having them, how fucking awful for her to do that to you. You have every right to be upset about it all. Are you having councelling?

Youcan your story rings a bell nightmares are the pits I only started getting them once I slept properly downside I suppose to getting half decent sleep. Its become quite a nice supportive little place now.

Thanks mashed - no never had councilling. I told my husband two years ago and then ceased contact with my parents.

I have been unable to speak about it. I wrote it down and for my husband to read. I had emails from the samaritans when very low.

I have never felt able to have councilling. I cannot imagine going to a gp and admitting that I need help. It makes me have a panic attack.

I am ok for now...but I get down and insular. I have resisted self harm - though impulse has been strong (small cuts when younger)

I wish I had the courage for councilling. Have you had coucilling mashed? I know some of the ladies here are in the process of and it is devastating at times.

When I've had intrusive thoughts counselling has helped youcanring. Are there any places you can self refer to? In our area we have Venus centres with drop ins and a specialist rape and sexual abuse charity that provides specialist counselling.

I've found councelling very helpful in that I had someone to share these things with. Before I asked for councelling I did some grounding techniques and inner child work for our kind of survivors. Here helps a lot aswell.

The councelling just helped me to understand flashbacks/ptsd/trauma etc and like Offred says you don't need to go to the gp, Rape Crisis are good and there might be other services in your area. You don't need to mention details just ask for coping strategies until you're ready.

Think I might be going a bit loopy again just been having a conversation with my mother in my head ----- and getting a reply bad or what.

Depends, in what way was she answering back?

I've heard my long dead abuser talking to me, it's incredibly scary but it is a ptsd/trauma/flashback sympton and usually triggered by something.

In the way I wanted her to not how she would at all. It was the confrontation I'm waiting to do but don't know if I'll be to much of a coward to actually carry it out.

And her making excuses up for him which I know she'll do.

Been thinking a lot about if it goes all the was to trial today maybe that's it.

Could be dotty. Do you think you will confront your mother some day?