Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Hi stmoritz memories aré a funny thing especially from a young age can't say you have or haven't been abused but the way the mind works is to protect you until you are ready to deal with whatever is there.

Cailin do you think your upbringing will influence how you bring your DS up in any way.

You say you have issues with your mouth due to the abuse as I've said I didn't but had massive problems with the dentist IIRC that only started around 18 but I've just recalled other things my first 'relationship' at 16-18 much older man in his 40's used to rape me but he also used to force me to do other things as well holding me down don't know if that is connected now that I think of it.

Yes definitely dotty, although I do worry constantly about it. The main thing I want for my DS (and any other kids who come along) is that his home is a happy safe place where he feels respected and most of all, loved, and where his feelings matter. I want our house to be a fun place. That doesn't mean I let him get away with everything though!

Why do you ask dotty?

Hi StMoritz, if your instincts are calling, then they usually are trying to alert you to something, to get sthing healed? you have to trust them.

You know yourself better than anyone else on the planet. I struggle with this, and am learning hard, that my voice is very very valid. (hence why I rant so much on MN but incapable of it in RL). Hugs.

Your voice is very valid StMoritz.

and yes, we were force fed liver casserole (it had baked beans in it) every. single. thursday.

ffs

I did try to pass mushrooms off as black finned tuna to ds but he wasn't having it and I admitted it.

I hate anyone near my mouth and I hate kissing as it feels like I'm being choked.

dotty i had to sit next to my younger brother at mealtimes who refused to eat, screamed etc i sat in between him and my mother

physically, mealtimes were not pleasant, hence my ranting over at beetrootgate

Just wondered as everything I did more or less was opposite to the dictatorship I grew up in.

At one time DS ate greggs chicken pasties (shh) apples oranges and cheerios that was it I never pressurised him he was so underweight though.

I think my parents definitely did some things right, so I'm not going to go against everything they did. But I think at times I will definitely struggle.

Thanks for the words of support guys. May just have to wait and see what happens. Don't know why all this has come up so strongly, but has def been worse since I've had the kids. cheers x

Cailin, that's similar to mine, personal space, family communication, everyone has a say, everyone gets a choice, more a equal pact. I never had an major parenting issues and had set boundries which get discussed.

I don't know if I've done anything right so just have to wait and see but ds and his future worry me constantly.

What do you worry about with your ds Olympic?

It's very common for memories to start coming back when you have children stmoritz, it's a trigger.

Would you like to talk a bit about what you might be remembering, or feeling?

Stmoritz, mine kind of hit me all at once, I had a year or so of falling into it though.

It's difficult to say what happened to you but inner child therapy is good for anyone to help them with childhood stuff. Just you are forwarned what may come up and hopefully know where to get help, rape crisis, napac etc and places like here.

I'm off to bed, hope everyone sleeps well x

ok I guess it might help to clarify a few things if I do speak up a bit. I said previously I acted innapropriately around people as a small child. This is really embarassing but I used to masturbate frequently and also try to engage my friends in sexual activities. I cannot have been older than 2 at the times of masturbations and not older than 7/8 when I was trying stuff on with my friends. I am heterosexual and as I mentioned earlier have had dreaful sexual issues with penetration, seeing it as harm and invasion rather than a source of pleasure. When I was around 18 I became extremely promiscous and stole friends boyfriends, was a pricktease etc, although due to my penetration issue I never had sex with anyone. This is all pouring out. Anyway, I feel very uncomfortable in front of old men and uncomfortable also with small kids/babies who aren't wearing clothes in front of older men. I have no memories at all, and cannot think where the hell this stuff comes from. :(

Stmoritz mine came out over a period of years majority over the last 9 months doesn't sound like things a normal child would do do me a favour but please dont call yourself a p tease you wernt hate that word as well. Look after you.

Cailin, just how my breakdown affected him, having to move during his gcse years to a different system, how he's going to be as a man with the shite dad he had. Night.

Stmoritz, so sorry you're going through this, I don't know what to say just that I'm listening.

thanks spotty. I hate that word too. Don't even know why I used it. I absolutely hate the way some men have these degrading terms for a woman.

will maybe have to talk about this another time as it's getting late x

thanks olympic xxx

would help me a lot if those of you who have been abused as kids/babies/toddlers, would be able to give me some insight into any of your own known strange behaviour. If dotty says it doesn't sound normal what I did, and I def don't think it is normal, it would help me to know what others did because then I may be able to understand myself more.

I meamn known strange behaviour as kids x

Well when I went through my behaviours with counseller touching but it wasn't just touching it was mor eshe said that and being very withdrawn was now known as signs of abuse my kids touched themselves its natural curiosity but they stopped when told not appropriate I didn't lots I don't remember though so not the best person to ask I don't even know for sure how old I was.

There's a lot of stuff in all the previous threads about stuff we've all been through so it might be good to read through them.

I'm uncomfortable with that atm as I'm trying to grounding myself before sleeping.

I think NAPAC has some helpful behaviour stuff.