Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 6

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

grounding

Grounding is how to "bring" yourself out of the flashback.

Recognising I'm having flashbacks has been quite difficult.

I am dreamfree atm and quite grateful.

Sorry, first link doesn't work

grounding

hi chips, takes a few hrs to get a bad dream out of the system, are you ok this morning?
thanks for the table too, nowhere near thriver myself, but halfway between victim and survivor, even though the abuse wasnt directed at me, i witnessed it every day in my home, amd heard it, and the thing for me is that I couldnt stop it, or leave, aa where would I have gone? And I couldnt have just left my siblings without me, so my burden I'm working on with therapist is finding my voice that was blocked, and realsiing it was not my problem to carry

it is hard

but keep posting on here, st moritz and chips and whydo, it really just gets the words out, instead of spinning around in your head, and helps you progress to a place where you can see things in black and white then make further steps to thriver stage

it is a slow tough process, for me anyhow, i keep taking 2 steps back, as I'm still minimising what happened, there is still a voice saying oh it was nothing, that was how parenting was back then. but no, it wasnt how it should have been at all - my peers at school didnt have evenings at home like mine, they went swimming, or watched tv in peace or whatever...eugh

and i do tend to ramble way too much here, but thank you all for listening

every day is making a step towards clearing my hard drive of the awful memories, hopefully

Hi Cailin.
I'm feeling better a few hours on. I find it helps to face the dream, rather than push it away, as I used to. I used to ignore it and it would build through out the day until I was in emotional overload.

Dreams are difficult, do you wake feeling tired after them?

Thanks Olympic. I am not always sure when I'm having flashback or when it's just a bad thought/ memory. I'm pleased to hear you are dream free right now.
When my counsellor mentioned grounding he said he could tell me I'm safe 100times while I'm having a flashback but I wouldn't process it, so I needed to find another way. He recommended using other senses, such as touch.
The link is interesting, it mentions breathing. I meditate a lot and I found when I have counselling and I'm talking about the past, I hold my chest or stomach, to draw focus to my breathing, maybe that's me grounding myself.

What are you all doing today? It's beautiful here.

Oops crossed post getup. I'm ok thanks. I also found that I'm somewhere between victim and survivor, though tending towards survivor.
It is a slow process and it's a difficult one, but we will get there. You aren't rambling, I think it's good to get it all out, it's no good keeping everything in your head. I find the more I keep it inside, the more emotionally unstable I am.

am just still a bit Grrrr at the beetroot OP and her determined stance on being the upper handed parent in that home. I better stay away from that thread now. it's upsetting me. memories etc.

thats true chips, emotionally unstable rings a bell here too. had never heard of grounding techniques before this thread and they help me.
i had one of holding my feet down still tight to the floor, and thinking of a strong oak tree rooted in the ground, while flashback happened
it kept me firm iyswim

That thread is pissing me off too getup. The whole situation comes across as so nasty yet some people are defending it.

Morning all not long up million things to do today so wont be around much need to get my arse in gear place is looking shocking have dr's at lunchtime as well not sure what to tell her yet.

morning everyone. I am going to see my GP at 5pm today. Feeling nervous but wanting to keep my momentum going to get help.

Does anyone else feel like memories of the abuse come to the surface, you feel desperate to deal with it and recover and then it fades again and you go back to wanting to bury it and trying to carry on? That's what I'm feeling just now.

Just ordered a copy of Courage to Heal.

Yes feeling of wanting your old life back thats how I have felt several times over rough patch again now DH wants me to talk to dr properly but not sure only going cause I'm not well.

I have The Courage to Heal it helps but is really hard got to go get shower dr in 25 minutes.

Swanface, that's exactly how I feel. Some days I just don't want to remember, and other days I just can't forget.

Today, I can't forget!

ABOMINATION

Do you know what I want to do to you?
How many times I have dreamed of it
How I want to exact the most exquisite of pleasures
In every measure
Like you did
From this debased state of grace
I want to see your face
I want to look into your eyes
And see your mouth gape
At my touch
Capturing every nuance
Including retakes
In my head
In Black and White
In Technicolor
And in Black and White with splashes of Red
I swear I can even smell the flavour of the moment
Like a post traumatic counting the dead
I want to bash your fucking head
I want to tear your flesh and spill your blood
Leaving you broken and bruised
But not before I hear you
Scream
Coward
Afraid of your own skin
Your kin
I want to see what it was you must have seen
In the faces of two small children
Raped and beaten

That's a powerful poem Damsel, did you write it?

I've been out with DS for the morning, and now he's decided he won't nap despite being knackered. DH is away until tomorrow evening so we have a long afternoon/evening and morning ahead of us. Oh joy. I know I should take him out again in the hopes of getting him down for a nap later but I just couldn't be arsed.

Blagh.

Swan, yes, little bits seem to come out in drabs, I deal with it then more comes out.

Chip, I find I have to just go with the flashbacks, deal with them, keep grounding and they get easier then go.

Damsel, how I wish I could externalise the anger like that.

Cailin, tough day, forget everything else and play mad half hour? sorry I don't know what else to say.

I have decided to tell people, if they ask, that I suffered a violent trauma as a child and I'm undergoing trauma therapy.

Hi CailinDana

Poetry is my therapy. I write down the truth of how I am feeling just to get it out. I wrote that in my murderess rage stage. I'm still coming to terms with the injustice of it. He got away with it. He died. I wish I had had the strength to take him to court when I was in my 20s and he still had a lot of life in him. But he still had the ability to make me feel like a 12 year old child then. By the time my sister and I decided we could get justice he was old and frail and surrounded by a community who believed in him. He shamed his girls right to his death bed.

DS is zombified in front of CBeebies at the moment. He's so tired that if I try to play with him he's likely to kick off. Some days I hate being a SAHM.

How old is DS? Would a nice bath not do the trick and tire him out enough to sleep?

I understand that sense of injustice Damsel. I'm glad to say I don't really feel it any more, though it can hit me now and again. I actually feel very calm these days, and I don't know if that's due to burying it all or if it's due to having dealt with it. A bit of both I suspect - I'm not as angry/upset as I used to be but I also feel quite flat and resigned in some ways which isn't really a positive thing either. I find dealing with it all very tiring, I need breaks now and again. I think my brain is saying to let it be for the time being.

He's 18 months Damsel. Baths usually wake him up, we've had to move them away from bedtime for that reason. But I might lob him in the bath anyway just for something to occupy him because he does love it. Or perhaps get the paddling pool out, it's a gorgeous day. I feel pretty shit at the moment to be honest.

Go put your baby in the bath and put on your "happy" music. I always find music has a way of changing my moods. I'm not good with booze so I turn to tunes

Been dr got otis media or something like it and a spray to put a sample in next time I get infection instead of self-treating also got to see nurse for check at high risk of breast cancer so meant to be seen 6 monthly not been for over 12 months and not checked myself since all this. She gave me an alternative number for counselling service phoned and they've said they don't do it no longer told them its still on survivor scotland so they can rectify that.

Also came home to find DH had hoovered and done dishes cleaned kitchen feel bad as he works hard was up at 5 for an airport run.

Damsel, mine died too, he abused me and his daughter my stepfather except I didn't know until I remembered it all a few years ago.

Cailin, paddling pool :) happy music, what grounding do you do?

Dotty, I think there's a new service floating around.

Asked DH if he thinks I need it he said no went outside and crumbled came in and he sais not his place to decide and to stop bottling it up and just let it out but that's like changing who I've always been.

Geez is everyone out in the sun :o

I was supposed to do something but have bailed which is crap because I don't normally start bailing til the end of the week.

Still feel disconnected from everyone but more at ease with myself.