Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I can see what he has done and there is no fog that needs to clear, she really is to blame for a lot of things. Yes he was abusive but the things she has done and continues to do are awful. I don't think i've posted much about it on here but she has caused huge problems for years.
He doesn't treat her badly at all, mainly because she worships the ground he walks on, whereas i would stand up for myself.
The woman tells her children they have ruined her life, she made a mistake having them, all sorts of things. They have always been neglected, ridiculed and there are clear signs of abuse but nobody is interested.
I'm the only one who was genuinely looking out for them and putting them before myself and now i've been blamed for everything. It may not be his daughters fault, but his ex wife definately takes some of the blame a
I'm not very happy tbh, thanks for listening though.

Amitola hugs to you it can't be easy for you you gave that girl the love that she never had and yet she threw it back in your face I do know what thats like a little we had the same with DH's son he wasn't allowed to know about his dad until he was 16 his ex married an abusive bastard while pregnant with him we tried for access for years. We now have no cantact again he's 23 and a very mixed up aggresive young man who has caused myself a lot of grief despite me trying to treat him the same as my 3.

Sorry, I was thinking more of the relationship ending fog, which can last about 6-12 months.

You haven't posted anything about her and I can understand you being angry at her behaviour too as what you're saying is fucking horrendus, :( poor wee girl being stuck in the middle of it all.

How're you doing now?

Dotty, how sad for sds, kids are so badly affected by dv, our culture really needs to address and tackle all sorts of abuse.

Please remember it's the kids who are being harmed in all this and being failed by a society which ignores abuse :(

Dirona we think he has aspergers and ourselves and the police who came out 3 times in 24 hours last year to him trying to break in say he has major MH problems but because he's an adult no-one can do anything he's easily led and since his female cousin moved in with him 2 and a half years ago he changed.

Ok no worries, I think its hard because he was at times the only one sticking up for me. He also blamed me for loads of things that were his fault and wasobviously very happy for everyone to think he was great.
I'm just so angry that I've done the right thing by my children, yet all of his family, ex wife, her husband and clearly now their daughter are making out everything has always been my fault. The mad bat even tried to say their sons behavioural problems were down to me, despite him being a million times worse in their house. grrrr
There is loads more than she did and allowed her husband to do, he has been physically abusive recently but she just covered it up and tried to threaten me not to tell SS.
It feels like my family all over again, with the screwed up mother putting herself first and not giving a crap about the children. I thought I could be free from it all but it seems not.
My poor son was really upset and couldn't understand why his sister wouldn't come and say goodbye when I picked them up. He kept asking why she didn't love me anymore :(
Sorry just need to offload a bit. I can't concentrate on anything today, have no energy an am struggling to get on with everything.

I really feel sorry for her and her brother, but there isn't anything I can do anymore. I tried to stay with my ex for their sake but being around so many toxic adults was killing me. Oh well, I guess I was always going to get the blame. How the bastards can justify blaming me is beyond me but there we go.

I am very concerned she is being abused but there is nothing I can do :( I've already tried to get people to listen but they just tell me to have more counselling because of my own childhood. I realy hope i'm wrong but there are too many signs

Thanks Dotty, missed your post. Thats sad about your step son :(
I know its the kids being harmed, hence why I tried to help them and got mine away from people like that. Still i think its ok to say i'm angry and hurt with the way she is behaving towards me.

I think, by the sounds of it, your ex's wife is still being abused by him. There's a lot of red flags you're saying.

I don't agree it's the wee girls fault, at all, you can be angry but blaming the little girl is wrong.

As I disagree I'm not going to engage with this topic.

I hope you feel better soon.

I didn't blame her! I said its ok to say how i feel about her doing this on here, well away from her. She has always stood up to people telling her what to do in the past, so clearly she is choosing to shut me out of her life.
Adults have feelings too, we don't just become immune to hurt once we reach a certain age.
His ex wife is not being abused by him, she is being abused by her new husband who is even worse than my ex. She can't see its abuse though because thats what she is used to.

As you don't know the situation yet are trying to say you know best from a few words on here, maybe you shouldn't engage with it.
I'm very offended by your interpretation of me. You know nothing about what i've put up with and how far i've gone to try to protect her.
Even my ex said sorry for how i'm being treated in all of this.

I think you are projecting your own issues on to this and that can be very damaging to people. Next time i have a bad day and want support i certainly won't come here.

I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for listening to me last night. I felt a huge amount of relief after typing everything out as I had never told anybody before as I was not sure if I was abused. But then after a while of writing it I suddenly felt sick as though it had all become real. I logged off and just cried for a while and went to bed. I woke up this morning and for the first time ever felt really relaxed. I am always the sort of mum who plans every second of the day (e.g. breakfast, 1 hour tv time, toddler group, lunch, stories, walk, art time etc) I wear myself out as I thought to be a good mum my daughter should have constant activity. But today for the first time I put Nick JR on and put my feet up and just browsed magazines all morning and did not feel guilty. My daughter pottered around all day and I felt so relaxed. I have no idea why. That is the first day I have actually not done anything, I normally strategically plan our days (even though it makes me miserable). I just thought I would be a bad Mum if I spent days how I wanted (which would probably involve lots of pottering around, a trip to the shops and catching up on coronation street!).

I have been feeling a bit confused this afternoon though, wondering why I had never thought I had been abused as I was growing up. As I said the last memory I have of anything was about age 12, my Dad did not do anything after that I am totally sure, which always left me thinking I imagined it. But surely I could not have imagined the few episodes I can remember, I remember them very clearly? When my daughter was born I suddenly became wary of my Dad for the first time, and since my parents offered to look after my daughter while I work I became so panicky and scared of them looking after her, and started to run through all my memories and question if I had been abused. Why has it taken me 28 years or so to realise this? Im so confused!

whyami it's because your brain works in a way to protect you tbh there are lots of things that came back to me after I started talking in my interview I remember the rape happening all through my childhood up to 12 but only 3 specific incidents in detail all I know is he was home every 2 weekends and it happened 2-3 times each time.

Whym, I'm glad you felt better this morning, that was one of the walls I was talking about.

I didn't "remember" until I was 30 or more until my ds reached the age it happened to me, this is really common in survivors, along with being triggered by pregnancy. I think you're remembering it now because deep down you know you need to protect your dd. Again this is all normal.

If you ever just want information NAPAC do a good website or Pandora's box I was on there last night as well, and here :)

Thanks guys x

Hi guys, just checking in, not been well today, had a very sicky tummy and just been feeling crappy.

I'll be back again tomorrow, hopefully with more vim and vigour :)

Cailin, hope you feel better soon, big hugs, tummy bugs are horrible :(

A poster on this thread is struggling and is lashing out here and on other threads accusing mainly myself

As I have been deemed the "target" I cannot engage, I'm not mentally in a place to be able to stand up for my self whilst supporting someone struggling

I don't have to engage or explain myself to anyone

I'm not going to be bullied, threatened or belittled off the thread. If I can't give advice I will say I can't and disengage

And yes I know I have problems, most people do don't they?

I think that's a good decision Dirona.

I agree Dirona how is everyone this morning DS finally spoke to me this morning been ignoring me since I got home.

Why is he ignoring you dotty?

I'm fine, my tummy seems a bit better today. DS slept until 7:15 which is real treat :)

His dad told him it was his fault I left in a ay it was as it was the final straw I got absolutely hysterical crying and screaming he was starting to refuse his meds againg so I told him he was leaving sounds selfish but without him taking them meds I wont feel safe with him in the house DH said he hardly spoke all weekend my sister and others have said its time he realised what his actions do to me. He gave me a spontanious hug for the first time in his life and was gentle about it this morning and we had a little chat whether he remembers or not is another thing.

He's away to college now anyway x

That sounds tough going dotty, but it's great that he's starting to come around.

Glad things have eased a bit for you Dotty, hopeful he'll be helpful in taking his meds.

Glad you feel better today Cailin.

Evening all. I've been out all day, helping a friend move house. Stupid as it sounds it was lovely to be out doing something purposeful, get stuck into something and feel useful. I love looking after DS but sometimes the way that having a toddler restricts my life gets a bit grinding. It was great to just get on with something and get the work done. We did a great job :)

How was everyone else's day?

It's still not brilliant really thought taking off would stop me feeling as bad obviously not worried a lot of people in the process which makes me feel bad as well. x