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Original poster

Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

999 replies

CailinDana · 30/05/2012 07:49

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

OP posts:
Amitolamummy · 02/06/2012 21:57

Whyam You're not an idiot, you've blocked them memories of your childhood just like so many other people and you're perfectly normal for wanting to have a relationship with your parents for you daughter and yourself.

So much of what you have said rings true for me when I first started dealing with my childhood.
I'm sure your daughter has been perfectly safe with your father so far, just be aware of not allowing him to spend time alone with her and be wary of any signs that make you feel uncomfortable.

Your Oh has someone normal, its your parents who are abnormal.
Sending hugs

Original poster
CailinDana · 02/06/2012 21:57

Quite simply, you need to get angry whyam. You have to say I DID NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THAT and really mean it.

That takes time. It is essential to build up your self esteem, start valuing yourself as your own person and seeing that you don't need your parents any more. The child in you is still hoping and wishing and praying for her parents to suddenly start loving her. You need to take that child in your arms and tell her you're very sorry but it's not going to happen. But that together she and you are going to move forward, you are going to love her yourself, in spite of your parents.

Does that make sense?

OP posts:
whyamilikethis12345 · 02/06/2012 21:57

Maybe my mother did not say anything because she had low self esteem. She had a bad childhood and her sister was murdered. I feel bad for her but I feel more like her Mum than she is a Mum to me.

I want to be strong for my DD, give her someone to look up too, someone she can talk too, always be there for her regardless of my problems. My mum was always to busy with her own problems to notice me.

dottyspotty2 · 02/06/2012 22:00

Whyami your father gave up the right to be a grandparent the first time he abused you he is a paedophile plain and simple same as my so called brother I remember when he was still in my life I always made sure she was dressed before coming downstairs also my girls where never allowed to wear nighties something made me uncomfortable about it didn't realise what it was at the time.

whyamilikethis12345 · 02/06/2012 22:00

Yes CailinDana that makes sense, that is very good advice. You are right, I am still like a child waiting for them to suddenly start loving me. I need to forget about them and love myself.

HerRoyaleHoighnessDirona · 02/06/2012 22:04

Well said Cailin.

Hi Amitola.

Whym, you can be that mum to your dd and to yourself. You and your dd are your priority and you deserve to put yourselves first. I'm sorry for what your mum went through but you can't help her at the moment, you might be able to in time though.

Getting away is hard and it's more a mental journey than a physical one, by continually moving forward you can get to a safe place where you and your dd are protected from them.

Amitolamummy · 02/06/2012 22:05

Do you have any book for survivors of abuse? They are always a good place to start. Hard to read and you might skim through bits and come back to them years later but it might be worth getting one.

As regards to looking for approval from your parents, it might be more how you feel about yourself that you need to work on. I used to feel as though I was worthless and unlovable because my own parent don't love me and did the things they did. Now I like myself and they can go.... but that has taken a lot of work.

I always felt like my mothers mother too and felt very guilty if I didn't do everything to make her feel better. It sounds like your mum is very damaged, but you don't have to be. I think counselling would be a good idea so you can open up about everything in a safe place where someone will hold your feelings.
This thread is a great support too, so even if you have to leave for a bit, you can always come back

whyamilikethis12345 · 02/06/2012 22:05

Amitolamummy - Thank you for your kind words, you made me feel a bit better.

dottyspotty2 - How strange I also do not buy nighties for my DD, something about them makes me feel uncomftable. And I do not like people seeing her undressed which was hard when potty training. I even go in to check on her when she and my other half are spending time together, how awful is that. He must feel like I am a control freak. If he offers to give her a bath I always say no it is fine I will do it, same with nappies when she was younger etc. I feel so bad for feeling that way. Although I think he was glad to not have to deal with pooey nappies and bathtime tears!

whyamilikethis12345 · 02/06/2012 22:09

Thanks for all the support everyone, I was not expecting it, I am not used to anyone being nice to me! I feel a bit strange now I have said all these things for the first time so need to go away and calm down for a bit, maybe catch up on some coronation street! Dirona I will come back, thank you so much for being supportive. I was not sure at first if I could come back because I feel I have exposed my soul but you have all been so kind thank you so much. x

Original poster
CailinDana · 02/06/2012 22:11

Taking a break is a good idea, just take it slowly whyam. But do come back if you can. We will always try to support you as best we can.

OP posts:
HerRoyaleHoighnessDirona · 02/06/2012 22:28

:o

HerRoyaleHoighnessDirona · 02/06/2012 22:51

When I had my breakdown about 3 years ago, I was councelled by a guy from mind. At the time I was suicidal 24/7 so he got me to write out a list of things I'd like to achieve/live for.

I wrote it out but forgot about it until I found it last night.

I've looked through it and it's really sweet except the going to the moon one and I've managed to achieve a third of my list.

It's made me quietly happy.

Original poster
CailinDana · 02/06/2012 22:57

That's great Dirona :)

OP posts:
HerRoyaleHoighnessDirona · 02/06/2012 23:11

It is because it was in the lead up to when I "remembered" so I was still in the denial stage and didn't mention the abuse.

A few of the things were about treating myself with respect, learning to love myself and to believe I was as valid as everyone else.

I think I might write another one now I'm coming over the hill, with more sensible, logical aims.

I also wrote a lot of poems and looking through them there's a recurring theme of either fighting a horrendus fight or not being able to breathe :(

dottyspotty2 · 02/06/2012 23:15

I'm keeping a journal was asked to write my thoughts and any memories down by my DC at the beginning of this can see a. Huge difference in myself although last few weeks since my latest statement but I'm getting back on the up after this weekend still a way to go though unfortunately x

dottyspotty2 · 02/06/2012 23:16

Went down last few weeks that should say x

Original poster
CailinDana · 02/06/2012 23:18

Writing a new list sounds like a good idea Dirona. I've never liked writing my thoughts out because looking back on them gives me a sort of "vertigo" feeling - like the room has started spinning. I think that's because I spend most of my time in denial, just to get through the day, and seeing it all written down in black and white, by my own hand, is a big wet slap to the face.

I'm so glad to hear you a bit more positive dotty. How are you feeling?

OP posts:
dottyspotty2 · 02/06/2012 23:22

A lot calmer now after talking to my sisters and aunt feel its good that I'm recognising when I'm hitting rock bottom so I can deal with it hate lack of control me. X

Original poster
CailinDana · 02/06/2012 23:24

I am so so pleased that you are feeling calmer dotty. I have such admiration for you. I know that sounds a bit silly but reading about all you've been through and how you're bringing this court case and how you keep fighting day after day is a huge inspiration to me.

OP posts:
HerRoyaleHoighnessDirona · 03/06/2012 00:06

Thats good that you're learning to recognise things Dotty, you can gain the control back, big hugs.

Cailin, it's funny the poems I wrote as they were so far removed from the abuse yet they had flashbacks in them, it's only looking through them all, now, that I can see I was describing the actual incident, yet it's not obvious. It's sad but it's good to see how far I've come.

Amitolamummy · 03/06/2012 10:50

Really really bad day :( Been blubbing for half an hour over the way my ex SD is now behaving towards me, or rather totally avoiding me.
There are so many similarities between the way her mum treats her and how mine treated me. I made a huge effort with her and her younger brother for 6 years and it was all for nothing.
I would explain more but can't be bothered. Hate life, hate people and hate nearly teenage bratty girls who don't think about anyone but themselves (which I know if perfectly normal but need to rant)

HerRoyaleHoighnessDirona · 03/06/2012 12:05

Big hugs Amitola, you're still in the early stages of having left. It's bloody hard and sad to lose people when you split up. I don't know anyone wh finds it easy.

I spent a lot of time with some of my ds's cousins babysitting when they were little, they're all grown up and don't remember me at all. It's heartbreaking.

I expect she's distancing herself from you in loyalty for her father and is probably as heartbroken as you :(

Amitolamummy · 03/06/2012 12:46

Thats really sad to :(
He said he was up set that she wasn't there and yesterday he said he has to respect his ex wifes wishes. She is behind this, just like a lot of the things that went wrong in our relationship. Posionous fucking dwarf!! The only time we ever got on really well and had no stress was when his ex wife and the children were on holiday. The rest of the time she was on the phone or coming round or doing something to make sure everything was about her.
Its his fault for not telling her where to go really though.
I don't know what is really going on and my ex says he won't get involved so he clearly knows more than he is letting on.
I think its his ex though, because I told her I didn't like her husband due to him being violent to the children. Any reasonable person would feel the same way, but she has it in for me now.
Oh well hope the boys are having fun

Amitolamummy · 03/06/2012 12:47

That doesn't make any sense because i'm trying to eat and get dressed at the same time. sorry! :o

HerRoyaleHoighnessDirona · 03/06/2012 14:26

Amitola, hugs, I know you're in a heartbreaking place, it's so sad when families break up but your ex's wife and dc aren't really the ones to blame. Your ex was the violent one, he's now lost two women and will probably treat you the way he's treating his ex wife. You may not see it at the moment but when the fog of your exp clears things may seem different.

How are you doing?