Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

sorry amitola, well, i would firstly suggest medication - i was like you, thought the side effects would spin me

but no - just smallest dose 5mg one tiny tablet of Citalopram/escalitopram check spelling it's an SSRI serotonin inhibitor and i can think clearly and logically and calmly about things in RL (am still an emotional mess) but feel so much stronger

then for me, if it helps you too, is to think selfishly for a change - it is YOU and your DCs who matter - your mother/sister etc need to basically fek off - but as they probably wont do this as you wish, you need to think of ways to reduce contact and stay in control of you as the main person who matters here

Amitola - have you ever made enquiries for a police investigation to commence?

I agree with Belle. When I was depressed I felt a lot like you do now- completely overwhelmed. When I started on 20mg of Prozac things stopped being heaped in a huge mess and started separating out into individual things that I could actually deal with.

as just thinking if this si what your gut instinct is telling you to be one of the main things that would sort out this mess, then once the medication would kick in, I guarantee you would be strong enough to go through an investigation

i doubt it would be easy without medication to keep you strong - trust me, normal life is harder without it

but it's up to you of course, not telling you what to do, but i sure wish i had taken it 18mths ago, heck even in my late teens, as i have felt depressed for as long as i can remember

Oh and I agree about your mother Belle- bizarre behaviour.

thanks Cailin - it is just bizarre, i can see on one hand how she must realise she is getting old, time has passed, and maybe she is regretting lots of her actions (tough shit for her, no sympathy from me for that though if she has regrets)

so is trying to communicate somehow, but it's all coming across in a really claustrophobic way to me

just wish she would stop bloody well telling me 'youre a great little mummy'

I'm 33 ffs

and rubbing it in about my status as a mum at this time of my life,but perhaps I'm just hyper sensitive to every single thing she does or says, as still seeking her approval in my own strange way

oh the joys of a Narc.mother. so exhausting. Hatti are you online this evening?

My mother does a good show of being friendly and supportive but only when it suits her. She tends to focus on things that concern her and to act concerned about them, rather than asking about what concerns me, IYSWIM. For example since DS was tiny she's convinced herself that we're really struggling with the fact that he gets up early. We aren't, we manage fine, but every time she calls she asks about his sleeping and suggests loads of different useless things to "help." She also sends money as that's another thing she chooses to be concerned about. If I rang her and said I was struggling with the abuse, she would completely ignore that because she doesn't want to deal with it. Selfish "support" is almost worse than no support at all.

cailin, thanks for explaining that, it was confusing me no end, all this 'selfish support' from her, really confusing behaviour to receive

but you nail it when you say that selfish support is almost worse than none

mashed - how did decorating/painting go today?

Correct me if i'm wrong but I'm sure there was an investigation by police for Amitola's but they closed ranks.

I do feel though, that although she has been closer physically this weekend, I have somehow felt distanced and protected

I must surely be healing something

With my mother my feelings don't exist, only hers. She projects her feelings on to me. When I was younger I used to accept that and I suppose convince myself to feel how she felt. As soon as I expressed a feeling that she didn't think I should have she either told me I was being "silly" or "oversensitive" or I was "trying to make her feel guilty." She doesn't listen, at all.

Your last post is really positive Belle, I'm glad you feel that way.

ah ok dotty, didnt know

Amitola, if there cant be another investigation, could you plan for a way to keep ypur daily life as simple and good as poss for you and your DCs? Would mean boundaries in place mentally between your ex family etc and your life and home

i am shit at setting boundaries with mother, clearly, so not one to suggest it

but if you start to see your home as your safe haven nest for DCs and you, does it help keep them away? Then start to mentally ignore their nonsense, keep distracted with nice thoughts or keep yourself really busy so you have no time to think of them?

they are toxic - they dont need to take up space in your head surely

I told my mother in October to stop talking about IT as that was one of the issues I was dealing with bear in mind that was 3 days after my statement so in a real bad place her anwser well I didn't know that and it was snapped. I've never seen her since I took her home but she had said could I take her to the bus station 1 hour after last bus.

thanks Belle, it aint easy, but I feel different to her, like I am seeing her as someone with really severe problems that just are not mine to handle.

she is just too much for me to have to handle, and I dont seem to have that burden or connection this weekend - i feel her coldness too, when she hugged me earlier, it was not what I would call a hug between a mother and daughter!

she was like an ice queen, in her shiny new clothes, her eyes were cold, her body language was cold. I sensed so much. But I feel nothing. So that is good, i dont even feel sadness, where I was mourning her or sthing during these past few weeks, I am now clear of sthing.

sorry, rambling, hard to describe. I can be civil, polite, but not emotionally tied

I meant - thanks Cailin - i clearly need sleep

Lost my reply, grrr.
Yes police investigated, although it was laughable and a complete cover up. Where I lived is renowned for incest and abuse (i didn't know that at the time) and there was abuse everywhere. I'm not suprised they have covered it up but it still makes me very angry. Will explain more when littley isn't asleep on my arm

Will look into AD's but don't like taking anything whilst breastfeeding, will research

oh dotty - good on you for telling her to shut it - sounds like she went into shock, as she saw how hurt you were, so she knows full well how wrong they all were - she must know. otherwise, wouldnt she be in more contact now and pretending all is well (although this is just as bad, pretending everything is fine when it bloody isnt)

Amitola that says how much you care for your kids there are AD's you can take whilst BF ask on MH board some very helpful and knowledgable women on there x

amitola - i have a link from another thread, from institute of psychiatry or sthing about what ad's to take and it mentions breastfeeding and ad's

hang on will check

I must head to bed guys. Goodnight all.

Yes can take most SSRI ADs and breastfeed. X

Belle all mine and my 2 sisters photo's have been taken down when police visited she denied any knowledge of it despite it being documented that she was in my family therapy sessions in '89.
Last I heard from her was the day she'd been through here and had left her glasses in Argos and could I get them for her phoned her to say I had them this was 1st of December she sent my brother through for them. Although to him I'm dead now for sending the police to his door and not keeping my problems to myself.