Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I just read your comment whatever you are now calling yourself. You were abusive and nasty to me and I did nothing to you! I assume your comment was aimed at me anyway.
Why did you become such a vindictive person towards me when we were some of the first on these threads??
To say you will not engage with someone because you dont agree is emotional abuse. It is closing down communication with that person and is not ok. It doesn't matter if you feel you have good reasons, its still controlling and rude. For the record my comment in another thread was mainly about other people, you know in real life.

To be pushed away from a thread about sexual abuse is the most hurtful thing i've ever experienced. Yes I was struggling and I came to a place where I thought people would support me.
Since then i've made the decision to give up my children as I can't beat this.
I hope the rest of you do though.
At no point did I lash out, I merely became annoyed at unjustified criticism of me and my thoughts.
Take care anyone who actually ever gave a flying fuck about me. I doubt any of you really did though

Aw, I can understand that exactly. Ds does that and it's annoying especially when I ask what's wrong and he says oh nothing! I just leave him too it.

I think your ds is clingy because of your dh going out to work, can be a bit of a kick in the teeth because he's got mum all the time but understandable for the wee one, a working day is a long time.

Does he make a fuss of your ds before work and explain where he's going and when he'll be back?

I have no experience of this so could be talking shite!

Amitola I stated that Mashed (formerly Dirona) made the right decision not to engage and I thought that because what she was saying was unintentionally hurting you. I felt it was the right decision because the rest of us were there to support you and there was no point in her continuing to respond to you only for misunderstandings to happen, when the same thing wasn't happening with the rest of us. Does that make sense? No one else wanted to stop engaging with you and none of us wanted you to leave the thread. I actually think what Mashed did was very kind and insightful - she saw that communication wasn't going well between you and rather than letting it descend into a fight, she chose to walk away which is a sensible decision in my book. I don't think she intended to hurt you at all.

What's going on with you at the moment?

Mashed - I think that is exactly it. My twins are like this with DH, he is great with them, making a fuss and explaining when he'll be home:

I think you're right Mashed - he's clingy because DH goes away every day. I honestly don't mind, it's lovely to see how close they are. DH thought it would be best to sneak out the door to work in the morning but I said no way, he had to say goodbye and let DS see him going. The first few mornings of that DS bawled his eyes out but now as soon as he sees DH putting on his shoes he starts saying "By---eeee" and practically shoving him out the door!

Since what happened on sunday i've been feeling suicidal constantly. My mother came back again and was even nastier than usual and my ex's mother was evil to me today too. When I take the children to nursery on monday i won't be collecting them and will finally be doing what i've wanted to do for many years. No more suffering, no more pain and no more being blamed for things that are not my fault. I can't wait.
I've just got to get through till monday and that is proving quite difficult

Amitola please don't they need you I've pm'd you xx

Sorry, xpost.

For my pov, I cannot do right nor wrong in this situation and wish you all the best.

Do you have a plan Amitola?

Yes but I didn't post here for attention, just to say how hurt i've been and how hard things are at the moment.
The things my mother and ex Mil have said have been too hurtful this time. I thought I was stronger than this but it turns out severe sleep deprivation and stress make me really quite pathetic.
I know my little boys need me but i'm no use to them. It will be better for them to miss me and wonder than grow up with all of this. My family will never give up and nor will their dads so its best they grow up with them and have lots of therapy as adults

You know that's not true hun they deserve better than you had as you did these people ruined your life don't let them ruin your lovely childrens lives xx

How are you doing Amitola?

I wish I did know its not true, but i've always felt like that ever since i was pregnant with my eldest.
I really hoped I could beat them this time but I don't know what to do anymore. The thing that really tipped me over the edge was my ex's mum saying he is seeing his older children more now because i stopped him when we were together. He never wanted them and I tried so hard to make him be a good father to them.
Everyone hates me and blames me for everything. I can't take that again, not with his family as well as mine. My eldest already doesn't like me much as he blames me for his dad, brother and sister going.
I wish there was something I could do to feel better, but everytime I ask for help things end up worse. I don't trust anyone anymore

Would you consider going to your GP Amitola?

I've been down the gp route many times and been referred on to useless services that don't understand and don't actually help at all.
Hopefully i'll feel better by monday and just have a few moments to myself somewhere instead.
Actually what I said in my last post was rubbish, the thing that has got me to this place is the ex MIL aka bitch from hell! said I needed to either do something about the abuse I suffered or put it behind me. I can't believe she has no idea how hard i've tried to make the police do something. She is of the view that guilty people go to prison and if they don't they are innocent.
Also the ex never told his parents any of what i went through. He told me he went round a couple of years ago and explained so they knew why I was depressed.
I knew they thought I was attention seeking and stupid for still being affected but now I know why :( She compared it to some uncle of hers putting his arm around her and trying to grope her. Thats not nice either but its nothing compared to what I went through.
I just want people to understand why I can't just move on. I want people to see how well i've done to still be here, not think i'm a waste of space for struggling at times.
When my mother came round on thursday she brought her evil and twisted side with her. I've seen glimpses over the years but this was the most obvious its been for a while. I really don't know what she is still capable of and i'm terrified for my children and myself. I can't get anyone to believe me though.

Ideally what would you like to happen Amitola?

Amitola sounds like my mother would get on with your MIL as far as she's. Concerned IT's not been charged so innocent ( when sister spoke to her) it was only allegations he's now been charged whether she knows I don't know.

amitola, would medication such as the one i take atm help you feel stronger?

as a last resort, could you move somewhere new with your kids to get peace from ex family etc? that is a big ask though, but possible if need be.

it is a struggle to let it all go, we must be kind to ourselves so recovery can keep healing the wounds

it is not easy having so many shit memories

but all i would say is to think of not leaving your kids, as your ex family will get their hands on your kids.

Dont think i could sleep at night knowing my kids were with my mother for the rest of their lives after all she put us through.

please think twice about leaving your kids with anyone but you - you know you can sort this out

how would you like it to get sorted? can you tell us 3 things you'd like to happen

by the way, as i write this, my mother has come back as has to stay over here just tonight after her course

she is downstairs trying to make conversation with poor poor DH watching shit tv - he's not even getting to watch the football

she is soooo controlling

he's pretending to read a book and I've said I'm off to bed (avoidance strategy)

she's back to her own house tomorrow.

such strange times for me. so much going on in RL and emotionally.

Belle could your DH slink off to bed and leave her at it?

would be good cailin - i think he's trying to be polite - has come up and given me a hug goodnight, i said why are you still down there, he said I dunno, just reading and eating crackers, not ready to sleep yet

why doesnt she just bugger off to bed and read a magazine!

hatti - hope you managed ok today, I'm sorry I am only replyijg so late in the day, was out all day with DCs stuff

I saw your last post about feeling so weary today after writing about it last night

I felt like I had been hit by a truck at the start of my recovery process. It is so exhausting, and some days I wonder what it's all for and if it will ever heal

Poor guy. He's very good to babysit her.

How's it going Amitola?

I don't think I should post what I would ideally like to happen. It involves people dying in horrible ways. So if i'm not going to follow in my parents footsteps, Ideally I would like to get out of this house and find somewhere nice to live fairly nearby so we can start a new life. That one is hard though because my son was born in this house.
I would like my ex to stop using all of the children as pawns in his game, but i doubt that will happen.
I would like to be completely free of my mother and sister and I would like there to be a huge police investigation about the abuse I and others suffered and for all of the bastards to be named, shamed and imprisoned. As many of them worked in prisons, it would be a bloody good punishment for them to be in with the normal inmates. They don't like that sort and would make them suffer far more than I could even imagine.

In contrast, my reality is looking a little bleak. I'm trying to be very positive and set my sights high but keep crashing back down with a big fat bump.

I daren't do medication to be honest. I know it might help but i'm too sensitive to things and just get the side effects.

Good luck with your mother!

aaaaagh she's just been up to bedroom, right in, wanted to sit on my bed - i said ahhhhh dont sit there, I'm sleeping!!! hid laptop under covers like a child...so she stood and sighed. then said, HOW ARE YOU FEELING????

Thankfully i was able to speak, say am fine! with a fake smile ( i am sooo fake) asked her if she had enough pillows on her bed
she gushes, kisses me, love you very much, youre a great little mummy'

EUGH EUGH EUGH

at least DH will get to watch football now she's gone to bed spare room downstairs

eugh she is one weird woman