Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

hatti - just reading your link a second, hang on, it makes so much sense, explains where so many self esteem problems come from, it is a very subtle damage the narc mother thing

so subtle, yet so consistent, daily criticisms etc

i feel empty, sad, desolate, angry, furious, jealous of golden siblings, but weirdly, resigned to it all, I know I cannot change any of it, and that my encounter this week will not fix what has been broken, but it fills me with bile all the same at what I have lost. Which weirdly is an ideal, because I realise what I have lost was an illusion, not reality. I never had that happy family. so why am I mourning it. And why has it taken so long for me to get here?

hatti - you are making so much sense to me, i can identify wi every single point you are making, about mourning the loss of some kind of mother figure BUT YET there was no proper mother there in RL as they were so damaging

it is a complete headfuck, that is the omly word to describe it

ahhh the golden child, blue eyed boy,pfb in our family AKA IT my abuser

plus the feeling that even if they did acknowledge they were wrong, it wouldnt seem to fix anythingso we are left feeling resigned to itthat yes it happened, there wasnt anything we could do

but, as i said in previous posts, the comfort for me is not just how we are now choosing to raise our own children so differently amd conscientiously not exposing them to the same levels of hurt, but that somewhere at sometime, those parents our parents will get badly bitten on the bum by karma or whatever you want to callit

no one will get away with doijg stuff like that

no way

x

Belle bit late for mine my father died 6 years ago and my mother is nearly 78

i am sorry i do have to go to sleep now vision is blurring

but i noticed on your link they recommend accupressure or accupuncture to get to the core thinking part - i will read it again in the morning with fresh eyes and a strong coffee, then offer you better commments atn my ramblings this evening

we are not to blame for any of it

hugs to you hatti, sleep well tonight

night dotty & mashed

X

Night my eyes are blurry but I'm watching Heartbreak Ridge x

sorry was out with friends.

I think I've just seen some really shitty behaviour. I was talking to someone in the street, their relative came up having a go at them, saw me, got embarrased and scuttled off. Might hire myself as a bodyguard.

Anyway, hi Hattie.

I'm going to sleep in then decorate so won't be around later, hugs to everyone.

Very sorry hatti . Think it is ultimately good you are acknowledging what has happened, means you are on your way I think.

Last night was a bit of a disaster I think, feel disconnected today.

Gah... another day when I'm going to be no use nor ornament I think...

Do you want to talk about it Offred?

Hi hatti. I can relate to the sadness of not having a mother. How are you doing today?

Don't know cailin! Just feel like my past problems are invading my current relationship. I need to think.

Feel bad for not wanting to be around DH AT ALL even though he is being very lovely.

Am hiding in bed, he's worrying.

Hope you're ok this morning Hattie.

Offred, hugs, how are you feeling now? Can you explain to your DH that you're remembering the past and processing it and it's like a big load of sewage is coming which makes you feel disgusting but that it'll pass and you'll be ok in a while? sorry if that's miles off the mark.

It is like you have a tummy bug but mentally iyswim?

There's lots of info on ptsd sites for spouses.

He asked how he could help on Thurs. I feel and I don't care that he is downstairs worrying about me. But he hasn't done anything wrong at all, he has been lovely. Completely lovely, but I don't want to see him or speak to him right now. Don't even feel bad about that. Told him his friend's analogy on Thurs, he understands, feels a bit useless I think and worried. Going out later, not in the mood right now.

Not miles off the mark. I'm in this bed. My bed is the place I was raped twice, the duvet cover is the same one that was on both times. I don't know whether that is actually crazy. I think it is.

Thought you were decorating anyway mashed? Don't need to come to my pity party might go to sleep.

Beds bring back all sorts of trauma memories first thing is get rid of duvet cover and get new ones there cheap enough to buy. I'm not even up DH brought me a coffee up an hour ago moping today have a ton of rubbish to take dump and need a shower.

Hi dotty. We have loads and loads of covers. I have kept this one for 11 years (it is 14 years old) because it is my favourite and I didn't want to have to throw it out, felt traumatic.

Is it worth the traumatic memories though x

See I grew up in chaos and mess my nlmother doesn't see it like that though so we have 2 duvet covers each and house is very minimilist. Crazy or what.

Got all of mine and then all of DH's when we moved in together. Think I haven't been ready to let go of the memories. I think we will need a new bed!

Minimalist isn't crazy. I get panicky about clutter because of my dad's hoard.