Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Goodnight Offred x

Belle that's a huge step telling your DH and he's right and you know it there was nothing you could do you did what you had to to survive you where younger as well don't forget that x

Night Offred x

nite offred

thanks dotty - at first he was of the 'but isnt that what they did back then, as he got the wooden spoon, but then i explained, well did your parents lunge at your sisters as they watched tv, or if they wanted to stay upstairs and not come downstairs? etc put like that, he understood, that no, they were free to use their free time as they wished, as lomg as they werent wrecking the house. my sister never wrecked the house, or did anything dramatic, apart from sticking up gor herself with words

even my attempt to get her to not say a word at home for a week didnt work

dont feel i should go on and on about these memories, they really upset me

am sure you dont want to hear them either, after your nice afternoons listening to the rain with proper coffee - simple things like that really make me soooo happy, i am thinking of doing that tomorrow. coffee cake and watching the rain. and weekend papers.

need to chill

what are your plans for this weekend? anything nice?

(see how i am using a distraction technique to get me to a different mind space? trying hard trying hard...)

no plans at all never really make plans no friends as such either. x

I don't have any plans either. Housework and gardening probably - excitement abounds.

i hate making plans with friends too Dotty, dont exactly have loads anyway in RL, but the pressure of having to DO stuff, really exhausts me, so can see how a weekend of house stuff or gardening sounds not dull but very calming to me cailin

i mean, the thought of having to timetable a coffee or lunch with a friend is grim

Night Offred.

Belle, good for your dh and dodging bullets.

I'm painting tomorrow

I must head to bed too, I'm knackered.

Night all.

I have one close by Belle but hardly see her usually see my friend in Blackburn whenever I'm down in Lancashire been down 6 times since October and can't face seeing her yet before she moved back home we did loads together I think it's more the fact that she always has a house full that's actually scaring me.

Night Cailin x

night cailin, thanks for listening today, sorry i rambled on and on, been a full on day mentally i think

heading to bed in 5 mins myself, thank goodness for sleep

dotty - ah, full houses of strangers? that's hard work, lots of talking to randoms? I can only do that if alcohol has been consumed, otherwise I go mute sort of. still off the booze tho atm, 3 weeks so far. just dont fancy it as much. strange for me - i was a vodka gin obsessive sort of in my late teens/twenties - was numbing for me

Belle was married at 19 but between 17 and meeting DH properly in a club used to down up to 12 cans of special vat and a neat vodka to go with each can thursday-sunday every weekend.

haven't posted here before, but I think Im in a new place in my head that might "allow" me to start confronting my demons.....

Belle, I hear you with the "dodging 100 bullets"....I have encountered my parents this week after 5 years of no contact. At the end of it I felt drained....

history:

Molested by alcoholic father and eldest brother in teens + Narc mother who did nothing.

Years in therapy. Pretty much put it in a box and locked it away again.

Never wanted to discuss mother, found it easier to discuss and "forgive" father weirdly.

Now, nearly 50, i have looked into the face of my mother's evil and found that I am not alone ...saw a post to a website about daughters of narcissistic mothers and found it was all about me. :( What a complete headfuck, to realise that the dysfunction in ones family was not the abusive alcy, but the narc behind the scenes. And to have the epiphany that I was not so much the useless child as the other woman in my fathers affections, so much so that I am now a classic scapegoat child. SHe hates me because I was a direct sexual threat. Which confirms that she knew what was going on and did nothing to prevent it, except make me feel shit about myself, and to blame me for the old goats appetites.

Fortunately, I have a level of stability in an elderly female relative who is my rock. I feel I was born in the wrong womb in some great comic joke - how I wish she was my mother.

Sorry, this post is so disjointed, but thats where my head is at the moment. Im struggling once again to come to terms with the feelings and memories this encounter has evoked.

dotty - the memories eh. it blocks out so much the booze and yet also gives so much social confidence or sthing.

I can remember crashing head on a bathroom sink at friends house, passing out. how i remember this i have no idea. somehow managed to stay away from any further dodgy stuff, but i just know that given the chance, i would happily drink far too much too often, but for what? I wouldnt know when to stop, as it is purely because the drunk numb feeling takes away how shit I feel in sober RL

but therapy hopefully can be my replacement taker awayer, and hoping it permanently removes the source of my misery...

then i can get back to a manageable relationship with booze. perhaps.

ah i am just rambling.

better get some sleep, sorry dotty, i could chat all evening with you! thanks for your listening ear today, hope you sleep well too

Night Belle sleep well x

hatti - are you OK? you have been through so much, sending you a hug first of all. It is a shock to realise what you have just figured out with the narc mother. By doing nothing, she was equally to blame. Parents are supposed to protect their kids. The world out there in RL is full on enough, without having shit at home to deal with too.

Do you want to talk about your recent encounter with them? Or why you broke off contact 5 yrs ago? I understand if it is too much to bring up right now though, but wanted to reply to your post to let you know that someone is listening

thanks dotty, i'll stay up for a little minite or two longer, i always do this, say i need to sleep then cant sleep anyway. too much went on today

hatti - good that you have an elderly female relative in your life though who is a better support than your mother. that at least is sthing.

thank you belle. I cut off contact 5 years ago after mother treated me and kids with contempt and total disrespect. Funnily enough I could not see that she was actually playing her narc role even then.

Ive been on MN for a while and suspected and even established that my mother was a narc, but reading this week the website (this one ) and realising the level of dysfunction in my family...its been enlightening and devastating at the same time

Hatti glad you found us it's a nice helpful place this full of friendly people, like you I have an elderly relative Aunt who is more like a mum to me don't see her often enough she's a brilliant listener who would of also made a fantastic mum.

Hi Hatti, thanks for posting, how are you feeling about things now?

I think the loss of "mother" as an ideal has been harder than facing up to the abuse. I fear that I will become what she is, and now every encounter with my DD is coloured with her dysfunction. Im scared I will idolise one child over another, will scapegoat another, will be unreasonable and unkind and prejudiced at grandchild level eventually - is it enough that I recognise the abuse on both sides, so I will never subject my own kids to this? Like I said, a headfuck.

not making much sense, sorry.