Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 5

[CailinDana]

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

I'm not great to be honest. Got myself into an awkward situation at the weekend and now I don't know what to do about it.
Night CailinDana x

I never told DH until after my first counselling session after which I tried to end it we've been together 23 years he knew I was abused and who by and that I'd been hospitalised at 12 due to the abuse in fact one thing I never told him was the position he put me in to abuse me until last month. I always felt wrong being intimate in that position but didn't know why we tried twice when away just the 2 of us last month and both times the tears just fell in fact first time wasn't even full sex and I was crying.

I'm still around if you want to talk about it though I feel pretty inexperienced in dealing with these things right now.

That's what happens between dh and me too dotty. Sometimes I just burst into tears. It leaves him feeling nervous about touching me.

Funny thing is I went through every aspect of it with a fantastic counseller so feel a bit bad and fraudulent that I'm back to this again

I don't cry. I'm the opposite if anything. I don't have feelings, I don't have boundaries.

Not at the time anyway.

I wish I could be more helpful to you dotty but I'm kind of at sea in this process :(

I have very flexible boundaries Offred. Sometimes I can be as hard as nails and at other times I'm a frightened, gibbering wreck.

Offred I only started crying 8 months ago the night I disclosed it was first time I'd cried properly since I don't know when the only emotion I showed before was anger but never realised I was an angry person in the following weeks I went through every emotion possible except happiness. xx

What happened Tombli?

Offred, do you find it difficult to differentiate between sex and a loving relationship?

Dotty, did you want to do it or could you avoid it until you're in a better pLace?

Night Cailin.

Honestly I never had a problem before but have been told by DC it will be like that until at least the trial is over, but yes I did want to at the time but not now to scared.

I'm only just learning about loving relationships. I don't have feelings about sex, literally none, I perform. I want it all the time, I use it to treat anxiety. I don't want any pleasure, I am for pleasing, then after I feel wrong.

I got drunk and flirted with several men, one of whom is a friend's husband, and the other, her brother. That not being enough, I joined her brother in his bed and he asked me to move closer to him. His 2 dds were in the same room. I said no and nothing further happened but I have done this so many times before I got married that I'm definitely repeating/sabotaging or something. If I wasn't married I would have said yes. I can't understand the meaning behind it all. I feel that I've ruined my friendship and can't see her again. I can't talk to her about it. She knows about the flirting and seems okay with that but has very fixed views about these things. My head is a mess.

I could have written that Offred. I do exactly the same.

I feel like I have revealed a part of me that is unacceptable, my true colours, and am just a slapper. Only any good for one thing etc.

Sigh, yep me too Offred, I did some sex therapy but have hit a wall, tmi, I highly doubt I will have sex again.

Tombli, had you been drinking?

It's really common for rape survivors to protect themselves by being sexually aggressive, it's very much a defence of well I'll sleep with them before they can rape me, iyswim.

Dotty, everything is at the surface atm so I'm not surprised it's difficult.

I sympathise with that. I don't know if what I'm trying to do is take control over sex and failing.

Yes

Tombli, you are not a slapper, don't even think that. Lots of people get flirty drunk. Knowing when to stop, which you did and I applaud you for that, is such a huge step.

I know I'm not a slapper, I really am a great mum and wife and good at other things (community work/uni) but I feel detached from myself, frightened of myself and how I might behave. Confused by things I do like why is this all jumping out in this way just now?

I just can't stop thinking about it. So many things are going round in my head about what if I hadn't said no. Almost wishing I hadn't said no.

They used to say one of three things could happen to 'victims of abuse' they could have normal healthy sexual relationships, none at all or be promiscuious (hate that word) now according to my father my sister was promiscuious in fact mr know it all obviously didn't have a clue what it meant as my sister now 49 has been with her DH (her first BF) since the age of 15 my mum was in these family seesions but has now denied knowing anything or being told anything its documented in my medical records best thing was that the pyschiatrist agreed with my father that some girls do go that way.

Yes can also sympathise with that tombli. You did say no, it was the right thing. It is part of the sabotaging I think.

I actually had a good childhood memory today as well wierd.