Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Just back from toddler group, DS is gone off to sleep. I have high hopes for the park later too Nic, I really hope it stays dry!

I'm not a fan of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, I find them a bit dense and cakey - I prefer them to be lighter.

I don't mind car journeys too much, I like sitting back and having a think and stopping every now and again for coffee. That's only since DH started driving a few years ago though, up until then I was the chaffeuse which wasn't too much fun. And of course now with DS long journeys always carry the danger of Angry Baby and Much Screaming and the feeling of Dear God Let This Be Over Or I May Just Throw The Child Out The Window. Equally not fun!

Dotty - have a sneaky kip! Well krispy kreme are expensive, personally I think they're worth it because I like that style of doughnut & the variety. I love the custard one [drool] but my aunt can't stand them and will only eat a jammy sugared one. They are quite sweet, even for sweets! For me I'd say def worth investing once but if you are a 'nut purist - give 'em a miss! We tend to get the double dozen deal (or whatever it's called) a dozen box mixed flavours & a dozen of plain glazed ring. because I scoff so many because there are a few of us.

Cailin - Fingers crossed for park! I hated that - I cheat though, both back windows have dark sun screens & tinted strip across windscreen was handy, stuffed them full of grub so they were sleepy, everything nice and quiet and I tended to read a story from the front - usually they fell asleep even if it was quite early. I always tried, didn't always succeed. Sometimes I just used to turn on the metal and pretend they were singing along! Terrible mother.

Hi (long time MNer with a name change here)

Just marking my place on this thread as I've been quietly lurking over the few weeks.

A bit about me: abusive childhood (sexual,physical and verbal) from early age.Both parents had abusive partners after divorce so I had no safe space nor any normality other than school.Thought I dealt with my past by prosecuting my 'main' abuser in my 20s (am now in my late 30s) but picked up an addiction along the way which meant I could leave my head and emotions (anxiety,flashbacks,depression,dissociation) but that in turn,fucked my life up in itself.

I've got sober before I completely crashed and burned and during the last 6 months of sobriety all the shit I hadn't dealt with and subsequent depressions has come back to bite me firmly on the arse.

I'm having pyschotherapy and just about to start CBT due to negative over thinking and a constant high level of anxiety.My therapist thinks I'm suffering with PTSD and I've certainly got some dissociate behaviours going on.I've only got fragmented memories of childhood and have trouble with my memory anyway ie I can't remember massive life events such as my wedding,or similar 'happy' times.

Just looking for a safe place with people who know what it feels to be me.I'm not a great opener upper as I've been left with serious issues regarding trust,I'm guessing you all know about that marvellous feeling!

So yeah,Hi! *waves

Hi Moomenny :) Welcome to the thread. What sort of day are you having?

Hi cailin,thank you for the welcome!

I'm coping today,nothing hideous or unbearable but at the moment it's almost like I can't feel,detached I guess.

Do you have much real life support?

There's the thing.No.I've no siblings and a toxic pair of parents.

I'm currently separating from my husband too so feel pretty isolated and lonely.

Hiya Moomenny

Just riding on Cailin's coat tails - she and the wonderful women here averted disaster for me. I haven't been here very long but I get a tremendous sense of safety and belonging. I hope you feel the same.

I'm not even half as good as the others for advice but I'm a good hand holder. Also (got over a spiralling morphine addiction years ago - not the same as what you're dealing with but I did it for the same reasons. God I didn't want to write that) if you feel like having a chat or want an ear feel free to PM me too as well as being on here.

Feeling lonely is just horrible :( I think a lot of us on this thread have experienced it quite a bit. Hopefully we can give you some support.

How's the separation going?

Thanks nic,I appreciate that

I've now discovered through therapy addiction often goes hand in hand with survivors of trauma and abuse,I just didn't realise I was using to shut out all the stuff.

I'll stick around to get to know you all

It's not easy the separation was my choice,just had a massive wake up call getting clean and this sudden realisation that life is too sodding well short to be unhappy.we are still living under the same roof under amicable terms though so that's something positive.

It really does - it was a way of control too, I can decide how to feel, not you. I want the bliss of nothingness.

Life is too short. I really hope CBT helps you process things and aids your PTSD, after being around so much toxicity it can feel weird being around normals (lol). I felt quite alien and isolated but too immerse myself in normality helped anchor the thoughts that I deserved that too. It must be quite hard to be living seperately together - good thing it's amicable x

*to not too

Hi Moomenny, I'm so so so happy for you getting control against addiction, and you Nic, big proud hugs for you both. It's sad but true that alot of survivors have addictions, mine was alcohol but I'm in a good place with it now.

Hope you find support here and like Nic says, pm's are there if you need off the thread support, that goes for lurkers too [waves]

I don't have rl support either but am learning how to get more support whilst keeping myself safe.

Big welcome.

CAILIN, how's the tidying? :o [evils]

Hi Moomenny I have the disassociation attached to childhood still disappear now but the worst times was at the beginning doing it whilst driving and suddenly finding the back of lorries looking inviting last time that happened was 6 weeks ago after I'd been away to sort my head out. I'm in the middle of prosecuting my abuser not sure if it will go to court yet all depends on how he pleads in a few weeks. Take care xx

Friend of mine who had PTSD thinks I have it I say I can't have as I'm okish now she disagrees.

Quick Cailin you've been busted by WB!!!

Oh no, I've been spotted! Eh, I am tidying, honest, emmm it's just a bit messy here still but that's all DS's fault, yes it's his fault, and emm I'm just having a break

The carpet looks like it's actually made of crumbs

I hear you banana,I'm an ex drinker too and totally agree nic, it was all about the nothingness (and confidence) that drink gave me,sadly it's fake and utterly detrimental for your soul.

You all seem lovely,I'm glad I plucked up the courage to post today!

Nuts, I have to go and do some shopping our my hungry birds will be cheeping at me. Ganet chicks they are!

My carpet is made of dog hair and miscellaneous lego [grrr] so crumbs may very well be very much this season dahling.

We're glad you decided to join in Moomenny :)

I'm going to head out soon too to avoid cleaning to the park as the weather is nice for once and DS could do with a run around. He's just devouring a bagel with cream cheese at the moment. He's a bottomless pit when it comes to food.

I've never had a problem with addiction but I do have issues with control. I used to be incredibly controlling of myself especially when I was a teenager. That has become less of problem over the years although I still struggle with it from time to time.

Can't say I miss the kids being little I panic now if I've not tidied for a couple of days it was worse when they where little uns I have to clean me.

You take care of yourself dotty,my dissociation gets worse the more stress I have in my life (or usually churning around in my head).

Make sure you look after you in all of this is all I can say.be kind to you and that little girl inside ::gentle hugs::