Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Coffee she's gorgeous reminds me of our bobby but lighter he died 3 years ago at Easter his brother went crazy when he died but is back to his daft self x

Ahhhh! So cute.

I just wonder if it would suffer in the cold though?

Thanks Dotty, x

Avalon, you can get coats for them and hats and they don't even have eyelashes or whiskers! or should I find a bald dog? or there's the naked mole rat, snakes, ghecko's, water dragon's..................

Sorry I left some small people entered the house and seem reluctant to leave. They seem to have heard of these things called beds but don't see how they could possibly be applicable to them [sigh]

Had a talk with DH. It was a much talk. A stupid way to explain it but it was just so much of everything. I have always been able to talk about things quite calmly and matter of factly but tonight I just splorted all over him...I think he was relieved that it all came tumbling out. He did send me a bit wobbly when he actually said did you think I was doing anything? Just the look on his face was everything I dreaded but my real and honest answer was no. I thought I thought that but of course I now know I didn't, I was somewhere else. I'm not drunk the post just doesn't make sense, I'm sorry I'm full of sugar and drained of tears. But purging it out has actually made me feel like it didn't happen. I'm all a bit adrift I think. Tomorrow will be better.

Very, very sad to read of kittens that have crossed the bridge , I thought I was out of tears - I was not.

There are a couple of nudie dogs to choose from, I always fancied a podengo but Dh won't have any of it. Would love a Sphynx, think they're totally adorbz.

Cakes, cats and bald dogs what more could anyone ask for!

And Dotty don't minimise what you have been through and what you are doing. I could stand up now I feel, from the safety of my anonymous home, but if it all came up tomorrow - I'd be on the floor. Any, any violation of your 'self' is no trivial matter, whatever the circumstances - there is no suffering olympics, no medals handed out for best tragedy, we are all in it together and you are doing us the biggest favour of all - laying another paving stone in the path that others will follow to justice. I don't know what I would have done today without you all - I was very literally on the ledge for a while and I hope that I can offer my shoulder to lean on if needed in the future. I broke and then I broke through. Because I wasn't alone. Thank you.

P.S hope Coffee is feeling better xx

Glad we were here to help you and you came through the other side.

I'm sorry your husband asked that but glad you know it was a flashback. Maybe explaining triggers and flashbacks would help? As they say, knowledge is the best medicine.

Glad you like cake and animals separately of course :o

My cat was an oldie, 14, we took her in after my gran died, she looked like a kitten though. Am winning on the tummy front just no sign of tea yet :o might be back at 4am

Talking does help nic but I found that I told him to much when this all started just be careful got everything playing on my mind again now wish I hadn't come away as this could of been over and done with this week but now I've got until monday to think about it. I know it's going to drag it all back up again and I'm scared of how I'm going to react to it.

In this house cake is rarely separate from animal hair

Glad you feel a bit better - Here's a banana the K really does me good after a flare up. A bug is really what you needed!
She had 2 good homes then, that's lovely. Lucky girl.

I will do that. Probably in a couple of days when I'm fully back to normal!
Oh the fun, does it never end?!

I think bedtime. If littlest princess decides that madam will sleep tonight, she normally sleeps like her dad and is unwakable by anything less than a turbojet to the ear but she seems a little unsettled by today (curse my vibes) and now is very over tired. There is a small voice exhorting milk, a snack, water, stories and beans (?) and complaining variously of her teddies not being sleepy, her feet are cold, there's a draft, it's too dark, it's too light, we're too noisy, she's lonely (I hate that one) and the fact that nobody wanting to play with her makes her feel sad (also this one). Jeez kiddo. Daddy is weakening as he has entered a conversation he has no idea how to steer and is trying to rectify the teddy situation...I'll def go to the bad place for thinking a swig of night nurse would be my best friend right now [totallyjoking...totally]. Now some bigger voices are complainng about little voice. She'll be a little grumpy handful in the morning!

Keep on feeling better Coffee xx

Sorry dotty didn't see your post due to refresh. Little miss can badger daddy a bit longer.

It's not right for every couple to confide in each other about this - some people can't make it feel right for a variety of, valid, reasons. I do get that. For us it works. We've been together for 10 years and have weathered the worst of storms. I don't expect him to be my counsellor though. For others advisement and then letting it rest might be the way to go - if you feel too vulnerable to expose that part of yourself then I do agree, not confiding too deeply is a way of keeping yourself safe while working on that and/or moving on. I know it can be used against you and can cause unknown reactions in others. It was a concern, it no longer is.

It must seem an eternity - your reaction will be what it will be. Anticipation of that part could make these days unbearable. Whatever happens it will need to be ridden out, in safe company, you can prep yourself but you can't determine what will happen. Fear of the unknown is not something we are good at. But however hard it is you know you can do what you've done before. You will overcome this. But be kind to yourself and give yourself this space to breathe. You are preparing to enter dangerous waters, sometimes it feels like we won't come out alive. I believe to my bones you can do this without being taken over. We have to accept that opening those wounds will hurt but we don't have to accept that we are powerless.. I'm no help but I can promise to be thinking of you and sending you my absolute support.

Thanks nic I know I'll be ok its just irrational thoughts might take a few days to come through it but the worries still there. DH and I have been together 23 years since I was 18 I told him absolutely everything that I remembered ,early 7 months ago he always knew about the abuse but just the basics cause I didn't know it just came back to me in the last year or so and was there all the time when driving,cleaning. Shopping my whole life was taken over.

Not irrational. Far from it. But the fear of re-living this (not that you don't but I mean for others) and it's effect on you is something easily built up to a point of paralysis. If things have been coming back to you then you are at step one, things coming up again, more memories will keep taking you back to the most painful of places. I can totally empathise with having no space in your head while the memories are just clouded there.

I can only hope that making your voice heard will feel as symbolic to you - yes it has led to the worst places but you have taken back control. You are telling because you will see him punished. I'm sorry I can't make it go away.
I'm glad you know you'll be ok but you don't have to be ok about it and what happened and the after effects, you will work through them but it's also fine to feel these things keenly, to be angry, to be scared - talk them out, talk as much as you want or can and then...well I had 10 kitkats, puked and slept but I am aware this is not universal. I always repeat the same things, like above, and yet after 14 years I still have something happen like today so...I guess we all need to be reminded that it's ok to not be ok but it will get better. I fail. I can't communicate worth a damn but I'm sending support anyway.

Ladies, menz, little funny things childrenz that run around and petz, I accept this wierdly waved banananana with honorz and huumilitiez.......

Hope today is a better day for everyone, keep strong.

Morning were off to take mil and fil out for lunch today then pack up and clean/tidy ready for home tomorrow was all over devon and cornwall yesterday went to the car free village where they use a donkey for dilivering shopping etc. Ended up at bingo in the evening won £25 not won in so long maybe my lucks changing in more ways than one.

Coffee

Well done on your win dotty :) How was your break overall?

It's been a nice break Cailin had my moments but I accept that now.

I'm glad you had a good time dotty x

Good evening everyone. I've had a long tiring day, really looking forward to DH coming home. I'm going to scuttle off as soon as he gets in!

How is everyone?

Were just heading back to pack van up had a nice lunch out and another good talk to mil she knew something was wrong so told her what was happening monday says I can call anytime x

Dotty what's happening on Monday? Sorry if you said already, I must have missed it

Penny welcome to the thread. I'm so sorry to hear about what your DP went through :( I can totally understand your anger and your wish for revenge. You mention wanting to find this woman - is that a serious intention or just a wish? Because if it's a serious intention I would advise you absolutely not to even consider it, it is totally up to your DP to take that step.

It is just my experience but I feel that it is right and healthy to show your DP how angry you are about what happened to him. Abuse survivors often spend their entire lives minimising their own reaction to what happened to them and it can be incredibly healing to see someone else have a more "normal" reaction if that makes sense - it can help them to connect to their own feelings of anger and to start to understand that what happened was wrong and not their fault.

As for support all you can do really is be there for your DP, which it sounds like you are doing very well. It will be hard and there will be setbacks but it sounds like he has good support.

How are you coping, day to day?

Cailin I have to give my victim impact statement on Monday.

Penny I agree with Cailin it really is up to your DP to do anything I know my DH was angry at my brother and wanted to rip him apart support him as much as possible might be worth finding someone for you to talk your feelings through with as well xx

It is very common for survivors to blame themselves and to wonder why they didn't put a stop to it. I don't know about your DP but for me when a friend of mine cried and cursed quite a lot and expressed in quite graphic terms what he would like to do to my abuser I found it very cathartic. At first I was genuinely surprised at his reaction, as I had played it down so much for so long that I really didn't see just how bad it was. His reaction helped me to understand it better if that makes sense.

You say your DP is in a support group, does he find it helpful? Do you think he needs to access some more structured counselling?

Would you consider having counselling yourself?

I'm so sorry dotty, my brain is like a sieve, you definitely told me about the statement before. How are you feeling about doing it?

Hopefully with time he will come to understand that Penny. He is really lucky to have your support.

Hi Penny, big hug, I'm so sorry you are both going through this.

There are a few websites for abuse survivors which should have links to how to help survivors. Many PTSD info sites are good as well, flashbacks are one of the hardest things we have to suffer.

I wish the very best for your DH and yes telling him how angry you are at his abuser would be a great thing to do. Personally I've found the less shocked I am, the angrier I am, but thats probably just me.

Both of you take care, x