Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

for nic

Even though I've had a fab break, I can feel myself slipping again feeling low and shaky again. Need to put things in place to stop it been pushing DH away again as well told mil today she told me that he worships me. Told her about the 'problem' I have she's suggested counselling for it if it doesn't improve when the trials over with.

:( dotty. That shaky feeling is just awful. I used to avoid it but now I think I actually make myself worse by holding it back and instead I just feel it and let it wash over me. Strangely enough it was going through labour that made me think that way - the pains were so awful but the more I fought it the worse it got. Once I just accepted I would be in pain but that it would be over soon enough I felt so much better. It's the same now when I feel overwhelmed by the shit in my head, instead of hiding and pretending it's not there I just embrace it, feel the feelings and then get past them. It's working so far, but then I'm not contending with anything nearly as stressful as you are.

Ditto exactly what Cailin said.

Dotty thanks for the link - looks beautiful. I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It's incredibly unfair. Second Cailin's method. I call it acceptance - I accept that I have these feelings, I accept that the cause was not my fault, I know they are going to get better if I let out what is too big to be kept in and just keep putting on foot in front of the other. I think your DH et al will realise and accept the way you are feeling right now is a direct response to the stress of it all. Pushing people away, protecting yourself is a perfectly normal way to be feeling. I'm sure he gets that - he will be wanting to help you, it may not hurt to define how how can do that - is it better for you for him to give you space to deal with one thing at a time without worrying he think you are hurting his feelings or is it better for him to talk/listen with you or a combination of those things?

W'Banana - that was one of the biggest hurdles for me - that I still had to deal with not having proper parents on top of everything else. I ended up getting an 'adopted' mum (my mother's sister but it's a rather convoluted story) and although it hasn't lessened or got rid of the effects of both parents being rubbish I am able to share DCs and motherly like things with her.
I know I am worth loving, I know I deserve love, care, happiness and safety, I know the reason I didn't get that is not my fault - the are 2 shitty people too caught up in their own cycle to see me. Their loss.

The fact they didn't like your sweet kitten just reinforces you made a sensible choice to stop dealing with them. I do observe from a point of pity now - she is so commited to her self, so self-absobed and so desperate to get attention lavished on her for being a victim - she doesn't want to deal with her issues. She doesn't deserve to be my mother even if she was able to see outside of herself. I was seen as an extension of her and as a means to garner more sympathy and attention. I know I'm worth more than that. You are definitely worth more than that. It's very hard but it's their loss because you are an asset - it's like using the hope diamond to pay for tickets to a dog fight, they scarificed something incredibly precious to continue the endless cycles. You have to pity them for that.

Hmm that was a rather long way of saying 'I decided they could fuck off because they were shits'. But that makes me sounds really petty

:o was sobbing at your first post and nearly peeing myself at the second!

I'm glad you have an adopted mum I did try to get myself adopted as someones house plant today My sister has found refuge with my aunt but no go for me, I did try my godmother but she feels too guilty for not doing anything at the time, my mothers cousin has told her off but I don't know him, close family friends well I'm too poor. I know I'm in a vulnerable position but I have to just get on with it bills and hope.

Crap - didn't want to make your face leak

It sounds terrible as I do love them very much but if I was dumped tomorrow by her I'd be ok. I think I have come to terms with being self-sufficient and that I was actually ok without parents. I made a life and I got there by myself. Everything now is just gravy. It's probably not ideal but it does stop me feeling too vulnerable about what happened. DH is different and I would melt into a puddle if he left - but I'm too awesome

I think blood is thicker than water is a stupid way to think (not saying you do) because I know my close friends (not huge in number) loveme for who I am and would be there for me much more than family as I would them, because we chose each other. I surround myself with people that are good for me and if anyone doesn't want to be a part of my life it's their loss and they can suck it.

OMG I sound so ruuude!! Mabye I am just a grumpy auld git after all! Oh well! I'd chose my pets over most people anyway!

It makes me laugh becauseDh always answers 'what if it's you or the dog?' with 'Well, I'd be collecting my stuff from the drive!' - bless him.

I don't think you'd make a great houseplant but I think you'd make an awesome addition to the family. I would be proud if you were my daughter.

It's a shame your godmother is struggling to get over her guilt. Maybe that's something that will change with talking. Maybe not. But there are people out there that will see you for all you are and want to be part of your life.

I see that now I'm getting over my breakdown. I had my family, who don't care and my DS's family, who don't care. I got to 30 being everyone I knews punchbag and broke. I know I'll never have a birth family but I can move forward and choose who I have in my life. In one sense I feel lucky as I'm changing and growing as a person and don't have to grow away from people. For the first time in my life I'm terrified of being alone and tired of being self sufficient. It means I'm reaching out to others though.

:o also I cry at everything am secretly a wuss

Can't even kill a bug contemplates bhuddism

I also always play the joker so I don't make people feel uncomfortable, most people just presume I'm a bit daft, in a good way and leave me be, I'm not a sympathy gatherer and find it difficult to express when I feel down/unsure etc. I suppose it's just a mask to use whilst I heal. I'd feel like I was failing if I relied on someone but I can relate that directly to the abuse now, I just need to figure out how to change it. I'm ok if people need to lean on me, but not ok if I need to lean on people.

It's always better to cry! I get right shirty if anyone kills bugs here - put them outside, it's not their fault someone built a house in their garden! Not the point I know

I'm really happy you feel that way. I think we make the wrong choices about who we let into our lives, who we let hurt us etc when we are in a bad place, it continues the cycle and leaves us seeing only the bad in people or just, bad people. Now you are feeling you can reach out you are in a better place to attarct and choose the people that will build you up. Feeling alone and feeling like it's only you and you have to deal with everything is terrifying, but it is not the truth. Right now you may feel that but as you reach out people will reach back and on it goes. I don't have many friends but the one's I do I would go to the wall for. It took many years to find good people and recognise the good in them. You will end up with what you deserve, you are dealing with a lot and all that work will pay off.

I have 8 animals in this house because I prefer their company and I got a lot from my dog (the original and only pet at the time) she is truely my soulmate and I did a lot of healing with her before I moved on to people. I truthfully would still choose them over people but I don't avoid people. For me that's improvement!!

Psst I found some M&Ms!! Quick before DH sees

:o thanks for the m+m's,

I'm an animal person too, at one time I had 2 cats, 6 rats, 5 guinea pigs, 2 breeding gerbils (rescued and male attacked all but his female) and a syrian hamster.

During my healing, missymoo, she was a great friend. I'm still at the stage of thinking she's here and going to pet her but find an empty place.

I have a plan for more in the future but as they're rescue animals I need to improve my mental health and I'd like to have a private garden.

That makes me weep. Lovely Missymoo I can't bear it I'm so sorry.

I do love ratties!! We have 2 boys left. They are aging gracefull but aren't interested in company. I wouldn't be surprised if they're a gay couple actually because it's always been those 2 as a pair. And PineaGuigs...and gerbils!!
I appreciate hammys from a distance as I have never met one that has liked me! It's weird as most other species owners are always amazed and say things like 'oh he never does that for anyone' or I'm surprised he didn't eat your face but hamsters it's totally opposite - the friendliest little fluffies just get this weird desire to eat me or take a flying leap to safety...so then I of course try to stop them getting hurt and get bitten

I think small mammal are grossly underrated as healers. They are little personalities. I hope you get your garden.

I'd like bees - dk why..just think bees are great!

Morning guys. Like the new name coffee! :)

Good morning! How are you?

Hope everyone is doing ok today.

so far today it hasn't rained - yay! maybe we can go to the park later!

Breakfast time here at a cracking little snackbar we found last year.

Lush I want to be where you aaaaaaaare stupid life [huff].

Enjoy dotty!

Was good but you don't want to be where I am still have a 6 hour journey left and that's not including breaks x

Eh, true that sounds grim! Well good luck for the slog, to my eternal delight I found many services now carry krispy kreme - I'd drive 6 hours for one...only if we stop at each services though

Hope it is uneventful, calm and goes quickly.

He won't let me get krispy kreme only spotted them last month bloody expensive are they worth the price.

His turn driving now normally just myself makes a change to share driving x