Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

He may have buried it so deeply that he genuinely didn't think about it. I was 19 when memories started coming back to me, up until then if someone had asked me if I'd been abused I would have said no. It was only when I was facing having sex for the first time that it all resurfaced. For some people it happens much later, or they don't quite believe their memories because they're so shocking. Shame, disbelief, fear are all very strong motivators for keeping it a secret. He may have felt that if he told you you would see him differently.

What prompted him to talk about it?

Oh :( Poor guy. Did he just start talking about it after that happened?

If there are any questions you would like to ask, please feel free to do that. We might not be able to give you an answer but we might be able to give you some insight into how he could be thinking and feeling.

Sounds quite common, I didn't "remember" until I was 30/31ish and I only remembered because I had a massive stress.

The specific abuse sites have a lot of all types of abuse, as a partner I would suggest not going on them except in the relatives area, just because of how painful they are and the need to support your DH. NAPAC (link on 2nd thread above) have a lot of useful help for relatives.

How are you doing?

Hi Cailin and Dotty, x

Hiya Coffee. Good day?

yep, feeling a lot better and have eaten with no problems :)

How's your day been?

Really glad to hear it :)

My day's been good but long. I have friends coming to stay at the weekend and I am looking forward to it but it's stressing me out too. The house is an utter tip and I've been trying to get it in some sort of order but I seem to be getting nowhere

Shove it all in the airing cupboard/under the stairs/garage :o
Seriously though, erm, little bit at a time, bite size chunks and take regular breathers. Sounds exciting, I hope you enjoy it.

DS is on study leave so my house is a bombsite!

While I remember there's a thread on mn for writers, I'll try and link for when you're not so busy :o

Ooh that sounds interesting Coffee.

The pressure will be on tomorrow so hopefully I'll stop MNing procrastinating and actually get something cleaned! My lovely friends won't care about how the house looks but I still can't help worrying. It's a good thing we do have friends to stay now and again, otherwise the place would descend into such chaos it would have to be declared unfit for human habitation :)

I am still decorating for over a year though :o

If I see you posting tomorrow can I tell you to get back to tidying [innocent]

Hi coffee glad your feeling better had a lovely day out with in-laws came back I've packed and cleaned valeted my car not cleaned all week was getting stressed.

Penny I first remembered the basics of being abused in my first adult relationship at 16 nightmares started but he was A LOT older and abusive as well. Then I met DH and settled down had family had severe PND after eldest had nightmares of me abusing her. Never actually remembered what actually happened until last year aged 40 you see I was busy getting on with my life and bringing my children up was very angry person not nice at all, but that's all changed was so jekyll and hyde I hope I'm a nicer person now my family says I am and I'm close to my youngest again. X

Dotty, glad you're having a good holiday :o doesn't mention the floods and torrential rain up here

For anyone interested in writing support there's a thread here creative_writers

I'll check that writing thread out once I'm back to earth next week. Plus I'll be depending on you to be giving me evils tomorrow if I'm around too much!

:o nah I'll waft the weird banana at you.

Hope you're ok Nic, x

Penny, was worrying I came across funny, you and your DH are both more than welcome here anytime, for any reason, even if it's just for an understanding hug, x

Hello hello,

Taken me ages to catch up! Firstly Penny, I'm really sorry about the circumstances but hi. Can only second the advice already given.

Glad you're feeling better Coffee...Should I be regreting proferring your banana?

Dotty - have I just read there is somewhere that delivers shopping by Donkey? Why have I never heard of this place? My god, I must go there! Glad you had a good day. It has rained solidly for about 2 and a half days here ugh.

Cailin - DH often laughs at me because I'm the queen of throws! I also shove and hide and sort it out...err never! It sounds like we live in a ogisty but it's not quite as bad as all that!

Today was so much busier than I expected - I thought I would be able to take things a bit slower and just have a think but in fact being busy has helped. Feeling much more focusssed on the here and now and how little my life has to do with all those things that happened. Which is a good thing I suppose. I still plan to follow up with talking to someone to make sure I don't paper over it and not sort it out. I'm feeling very positive so that's good. I felt shaken to my core and worried how that would affect my family but I'm pleased to find I was obviously in a stronger place than I thought. We got a Chinese takeaway and broke out a cider each (weird mix I know) so feeling very corseted.

What? Cosseted!! Not corseted...not necessary until after dinner at least!

Corseted :o

Can I have some of your cider please.

Thanks for the banana tip, didn't have any so had raisins instead I googled banana replacements, raisins weren't the first and felt much much better.

Keeping busy really helps but agree that dealing with stuff is best for the long term, keep getting stronger.

Insane sense of humour helps too :o

Forgot to 'tis Coffee :o rawr

Love it, love everything about it! Suits you! You are welcome to cider - here's a frosty cold one. I refuse to waft or profer it though!! I will merely place it carefully in this shelf right here.

Glad raisins worked. Insane sense of humour- will work on that, I'm still at the point of being a sucker for fart jokes & slapstick!

Hi all

penny Im so sorry about you dh, Hope you can find the right answers here. In regards of revenge I would say is not worthy.
when I was younger I did plot a revenge and it made me feel so bad and even worst.

So far I am good today, I had a hard day on monday but tried top pick up myself and kept on going. I find that running is a stress reliever.
I am too a cake lover and i love baking:)

Hope you all doing ok

Hi Ineed, big hugs, running is very cathartic, it's amazing how positive things look after a good run. Baking, ooo! whats your speciality?

Nic, sorry your banana really made me chuckle and I was honored you thought to help me have been rejected by my family I apologise if it comes across weird, you are very lovely and brave, it's in hommage of you. Thanks for the cider,

Sorry Monday was a hard one. I'm very glad today was good sometimes I think remembering to use babysteps sometimes and just one foot in front of the other will get us there eventually is something quite helpful. I often forgot to give myself space to process stuff - it was like 'I've had my session done what was suggested, I can move on now' instead of realising it was really not a tick the box kind of thing. I imagine running is very good for giving you time to think - maybe if I wasn't so lazy?!

I like to be busy with my hands and find baking is excellent for headspace. Plus I get cake from it so how could that be bad!

Aww - you are welcome to me and mine! Not weird at all! Made me chuckle!

I stick with my made family and although I have a couple of 'real' relatives I am close too the rest just get duty interaction. There were some apologies but mostly denial. I felt it was better for me to decide to either leave them or move on with it. I chose to have a relationship based on now - they are not allowed to bring their issues with my past to the table, I know that sounds terrible but I felt I could decide to protect myself now and let them take control of how they dealt with stuff. For once - it's not my problem! But the DCs get extended family and they do love them so I feel I made the right choice. I have bad thoughts about your family you are fabulous.

Hugs Ineed and Nic, cries, whispers they hated my cat too but I rescued her, sobs too much to carry on......

Sorry your family aren't good too, angry for you too. I kept in touch with them until my DS was 7, left then got back in touch when he was 14. He's angry at how they treat me but I think thats too much for him to deal with, so it's no contact, except limited contact with my mother. I suppose I just want her to turn round and be my mum never going to happen