Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

thanks Cailin, have a good day out with DS

I'm doing simple day today, not fit for much else, a bit exhausted after spilling my beans last night to therapist. Just taking older one to school then going to supermarket with DD, then parking my ass on the sofa all morning chatting with her, doing books and cartoons. Raining here. I love the rain.
Going to find some mindfulness stuff on tinternet and eat biscuits.

i have an image of a coughing cow to keep me going today, thanks Dirona!!

Best way to. Have a chill out day after counselling most of my early sessions took me 2-3 days to recover from but they where extremely heavy look after yourself today and take it really easy you deserve it x

Just phoned DC she's no longer with public protection but CID in another town she's still involved in my case though. She looked into the other counselling it's been disbanded because of Rape Crisis being here life sucks.

So sorry to hear that Dotty.

Belle, therapy can leave you so whacked out can't it.

Cailin, have a fab day, sounds exciting.

We got hit by a peasouper fog about half 4 and left because we thought it would rain. It hasn't, it's roasting again and I've woken up with a non-alcohol- induced hangover must be a beauty-induced hangover :o

Bloody cow gave me a fright resists grinning smilie

We're back :)

Not quite an entire day out, but a lovely morning with some friends. I thought if I brought DS back he would sleep but no luck. He's just chilling in front of CBeebies for a while before lunch. He'll conk out later no doubt, he was running around like a mad thing in the sun all morning.

That's shit about the counselling dotty.

Found a local one she told me to search for trauma counselling for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse but I'm embarrassed to phone them up after having counselling already feel stupid that I need more must think theres more deserving folk than me. Does that mean she thinks I have PTSD as well told her I took off again the other night and that I've been struggling since I saw her again told me it will happen regularly. Just feel so alone now she was literally minutes walk away from me if I needed something, she's now 18 miles away.

Why do you feel stupid that you need more counselling dotty? Services like that are designed for people like you and me, they recognise the need for them, although there definitely isn't enough help out there.

Just the way I am have always dealt with things as I told her this morning she's said its getting done the right way through justice system now and that she'd rather she spent 5-10 minutes speaking to me than me get this way told her its not her problem though feel so bad again even writing things gets to me let alone talking can't show her how I feel to ashamed of my feelings now.

Why do you feel ashamed dotty?

Don't know held it together whenever I've seen her even when I bared my soul with all the awful details of the abuse but only just last time if she'd phoned back 5 minutes earlier this morning I would of been in bits hate anyone seeing me go to pieces as I've always been strong and I am now struggling so badly again its like a big fat failure to me. Don't ask why as it just is. X

Hugs to you dotty. I guess it's the thought of having to dredge it all up again with the counsellor? Forgive me if I havent got that right my head is in a tizz was

• have just now been landed with the kid of a really strange new friend - texted me 10 mims before pick up time, saying, are you taking x or not for a play today? let me know asap

eugh

so standing in kitchen with my ipod in to block out the noise of kids messing

it's good for the kids to have friends round but boy does this mother take the pi**.

sorry hijacking again with my trivial sh**

Sorry if this is a silly question Belle, but how come you didn't say no to that mother?

I know what you mean dotty, I hate going to pieces. I know exactly why though - all emotion was frowned upon when I was growing up so I find it really hard to express myself as I feel I'm doing something wrong.

ah cailin, good point, I should have done that, but I tried to text back with a no, but my Phone credits had run out, it was 10 mins until pick up, i thought by the time i've topped up phone at shop, it would be too late to leave her in the lurch

i just have assertiveness issues clearly, as this friend is trying a lot to load her childcare onto me. I've kept my distance in the last few weeks so havent had to take any of her kids, as it is just too overwhelming for me - plus I'm not a childminder should anything happen to those kids at my house or in the garden

hugs Dotty. Take it easy

I've heard of people doing that - expecting others to look after their children, I really can't believe people have the brass neck to foist their children on other people. Could you text her and say you won't be looking after them any more and tell her to stop asking? I know how hard it is to stand up to people like that.

she is very b**chy. am quite scared tbh would love to do that but fear what she'd say about me behind my back

just dont like that when her 3 kids all do come here, all they want to do is look at internet, play games etc and run around like crazy people. When i've cooked them tea in the past, they turn their noses up etc

it's just too much. But today is fine so far, have only her son today, taken him to park with mine and now theyre outside. Am about to do some ironing, used to hate it, but finding now that it helps me relax??!!??? weird i know.

Why are you worried about what she'd say about you behind your back?

Belle ironing is very stress busting I find. Used to always have a houseful of kids when the girls where little I really miss it but used to switch off from the noise anyway don't know if I could now though like peace and quiet getting old or just everything that's going on ATM who knows.

oh am worried because with any friendship that has been going well for me, something bitchy always happends, usually anyhow, so that makes me not want to deepend friendships in RL, because females always end up slagging me off, one way or another

i find female friendships such hard work - i just dont know how to do them i suppose

so i just keep busy with other stuff and find myself more content not bothering with others

thing is, my kids never get asked back in reciprocation to this kids house, to give me a break, so not sure why i am bothering as she is so cheeky tbh

I find female friendships difficult too, though I am getting better at it. That mum sounds like a prize bitch. It annoys me a lot that she takes advantage of you like that.

Phoned up counselling service couldn't get through just as well had palpitations don't know if I would be able to speak worried in case its same people working there what will they think off me!!!!

What's your worry about what they'll think dotty?

That I'm a headcase

We're getting dangerously close to the end of this thread so let's move to the next one here.

RRRRAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWRRRRRR

Fank yoo lapies and gernts

See you on the other side :o