Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

To be honest I think my issues with my family are the next big thing I have to tackle. I think I do need counselling to deal with it but I'm not ready for that yet. I bluster a lot about it, and claim to have dealt with it but I know bloody well I haven't and that it's a huge sore spot. Perhaps it always will be.

Oh and amitola I definitely think it's appropriate to talk about your family here, I don't think you need to go to another thread.

Thats what i'm wondering, if it always will be a sore point. Xmas, birthdays etc will always feel a bit sad and I hate seeing those hug family gatherings in tv programmes. I had that with my ex but his family were total arseholes so it wasn't quite the same haha. I'm going to look for books about it over the next few weeks. If I find anything good i'll try to link it.

Belle, i'm a therapist (not currently practising) so i'm biased, but counselling it brilliant if you find the right therapist. I found it difficult to begin with but am so pleased I carried on with it. I would never have got to where I am now without it. Good luck, hope it goes well and try not worry

My support worker/counseller was fantastic she helped me deal with the whole package abuse,family rapes during my first relationship I felt so comfortable with her from day 1 that I could immediately open up. I honestly thought I wouldn't need any more felt so good about myself but now I know I do need more but don't want to bother the DC to ask her if she looked into it for me she has enough cases to deal with considering she's mainly liason now.

Thanks Cailin, was thinking of the stately homes thread if its still going, but I don't know if i'm ready to stir up more emotions right now. I think getting over a 6 yr abusive relationship and the fact i've never had a normal one is enough for now. Still trying to pop in here, because I don't want to leave and hope to be of some help one day, but am currently in a self absorbed and too tired and too overworked to function place so sorry i've been a bit crap

Wow you are all so patient and such goood listeners here

Cailin-just worried I guess about being criticised, that she may just say oh everyone has their mother daughter issues...outwardly life now is so lovely for me DH and the kids. But that is because I'm choosing to ignore calls from my mother (she did the hundred phone ring thing again today after I already spoke to her Friday for a grand total of 6 mins, during which time she flippantly asked so how is your medication? Feeling any different are we?' I said I was fine...

sorry, rambling - I just am anxious as I keep thinking was It all just the way parents disciplined their kids in the late 1980's early 90's and am I over reacting? But then I get a flashback and I think again. Plus I didnt know anyone in my class who had evenings like mine during my teenage years

I am very easily confused in real life, so am getting myself confused again with this

wish I could be one of those people who know what to say, how to say it, know where they are headed in life

eugh

Amitola thats the point of this to support you when your feeling crap don't apologise

Dirona - no grounding techniques I can think of. Can you suggest any?

Dotty you wouldn't be bothering her, if she offered then she will do it. You deserve counselling after what you went through. I've taken every free therapy offered to me over the years. I was severely let down by social services, the nhs, schools, the police etc etc, so i'll damn well take something back from whoever is offering it :)

Belle judging by your last post your quite young my eldest will be 21 next month and I can assure you it was never normal to be horrible to your children ever we had a shit life as kids in the 60's-early 80's but my mother had a wonderful childhood during the war.

I'm 33

A counsellor should never ever dismiss how you feel. They might challenge something that you say, in a kind, supportive way, but they should never belittle your problems or make out that things "weren't that bad." Counselling works from the perspective that what you feel is valid, no matter how anyone else might feel about the same thing.

I do get where you're coming from though. I always had slight reservations about my upbringing but I was truly convinced that on the whole it was pretty good, great, even, in some ways. It was only when I talked about it to my psychiatric nurse and she reacted with shock to some of the things I mentioned that I realised how fucked up some of it was.

You don't have to qualify with some level of hurt in order to be worthy of counselling. Talking is good for you, no matter what you talk about. And what you say and feel is valid, no matter what messages you were given to the contrary when you were growing up.

Now, if only I could take my own advice...

Belle, you will get there. If you therapist belittles anything I'd consider getting a new one. The therapist should be "on your side" and willing to discuss your issues. That's what they're there for.

Amitola, you can talk about anything here god knows I do I feel the same about holidays and have let my family back in for those reasons but not anymore.

Cailin, do you think you're waiting until your sister is free? I did with my dn's. I couldn't address those issues whilst someone needed help.

Amitola she told me to stop saying sorry I had nothing to be sorry for she said, I'd said it was over and above her job but she says it isn't but I was brought up that you just got on with it hard to change that way of thinking but I know I'm crumbling so badly I'm never miserable in this weather was fine until I had to talk to her about what it had done to me.

good point dotty - I've been trying to think of what was happening at the time, my younger brother was just 2 when I was 9 and sister was 12, so from when she started grammar school...

so Ive been wondering, was it because there was a recession during the early 90/ that made them so angry and moody at home? Was it because mother was trying to juggle work with a toddler (but then my granny lived nearby walking distance so she had free childcare on tap basically)

Just been trying still to wonder, how I could have made it better

yikes

I know I do need to meet with therapist, I'll probably end up rambling, from nerves most likely

but it's just a panic - meeting a stranger and making them listen to all your woes, how will she start? do i need to write down a summary of what i think is worng with me?

Yes my sister is definitely a big part of it. Her upbringing was a bit different to mine and my older sister's as she is a lot younger than us. I would imagine in her mind everything was pretty good, and I would hate to have that tainted for her by my shit. I don't think I'll ever deal directly with my family, I won't ever say to my parents exactly what I think of them, because I know it's pointless. What I definitely need to do though is deal with it all on a personal level. Which I am avoiding like the plague at the moment. I know I do need to take that leap though. I'm working up the courage.

thank you so much, reassured so much in this safe space

Belle, grounding techniques - calming music on ipod, deep breathing exercises (lie flat on the floor, feet apart, hands on abdomen, breathe in and out for 4 counts 10 times, repeat for 5 counts, then 6 up to about 8), a lucky pebble/charm to occupy your hands. Don't forget tissues and a bottle of water :)

Dotty, am glad you're here [squidgy hug]

Belle if you feel like writing something down would help, then that's a good idea. You don't have to though. All the counsellor is there for is to listen. They don't need to know what's "wrong" with you as such. You don't have to say "I'm here because..." although I suppose in reality most people do say that.

I think the counsellor I had who really helped me started out by stating the approach she had to counselling (which I found really helpful as it made it clear how things would go in sessions) and then said something like "Ok, off you go," and I just poured everything out in one gush She never really had to encourage me to speak, something about her manner just made me feel at ease and made it easy to just talk.

Just out of interest, is it a counsellor or a therapist you're seeing Belle? What's his/her title?

Belle, poverty isn't an excuse, I was abused in wealth, I've raised my ds in poverty but abuse free.

Cailin, would it be easier to put fences up atm as you're going over there, then deal with it when you have a few months free?

I will post back here late tuesday, thank you for the grounding techniques so simple but will be useful

Cailin- i get what you mean when you say you imagine it would be pointless telling your parents exactly what you think. I too dont think it would get me very far. Best we can do is what though? This is what I need to work on

Do we just work on our own self esteem issues and how to manage our own daily lives as best we can, and leave them to get on with theirs, with the minimum of contact? Small talk being the bridge between a very shallow water/shallow yet broken relationship?

Yes, I think so Dirona. I'm really not ready to delve into it all at the moment. I did talk a bit about it to my friend last week, it all sort of started spilling out and then my mother rang the next day (SHOCK!) and I had to struggle to be civil to her. I need things to be normal when I go and visit (and by normal I mean pretending everything is fine) and then I can deal with things once my sister has moved out and I'm having less contact with them.

Sounds like a plan.

it's a therapist - they specialise in psychotherapy, GP linked to their clinic so at a discount rate

Dirona - good point again, thank you. They were both teachers, lovely house, but always cold, never put heating on, didnt even do that snuggly thing with duvets on the sofa I do sometimes with DCs if cold, winter or summer.

I think its all about finding comfort now in life, if there was so little back then

Belle for the time being what's working for me is just carrying on with my own life and pretty much pretending they don't exist. I see them a few times a year and talk to them on the phone maybe once every couple of months and that's it. I do need more than that though - I need proper emotional distance from them. At the moment I have a lot of anger at them and it's not healthy to hang onto that for too long I think. It's fine for the time being because I'm just starting on the whole thing but in time I would like to get to a point where I can truly say "They are who they are, I can't change them, what they did was shit but it doesn't bother me any more." As it stands I still slip back into wanting them to change sometimes and I need to stop that.

In the long run, yes I want to free myself from their influence, find my own way and forget about them. I will probably always have some level of contact with them but not in the sense of them being close family, more like distant relatives or acquaintances.