Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Hi guys. How is everyone today?

I'm having one of those days again. Seem to be having quite a few of them lately. Zero motivation. I don't really like this weather to be honest, it's fine for a few days but now I'm too hot and sick of it. I hate the rain too so I can't really win There's nothing fun coming up for me at the moment, I think I need to find something to look forward to.

Hi Cailin, zero motivation here too, hope it helps to know youre not e only one

Just so much to take in with the start of therapy later, my mother's recent mind games, the thought that she is now inviting herself to stay at our house on weekend of 9th june as she has a meeting in my city a religious course she has started doing...dreading it, but thankfully DH will be around, and she is always on her best behaviour around him. Eugh.

Both DCs are at school/nursery today, so walked to shop for milk and am now back. Really need to get a kip I think, feel mentally run over by a truck, it's daft really how emotionally exhausted I get quite often with what outwardly seems like a simple life as SAHM

I definitely think being a SAHM is hard in a much different way than other jobs. Being your own boss and having no particular targets as such (unless you set specific ones for yourself) is very demotivating IMO. Thankfully my DH gets how draining it can be and is very understanding - he never expects me to have things done, or comments or criticises, I would find that very hard to take. I do often feel I should get more done in a day but when I actually start doing something DS usually gets himself in a pickle, or wants to be held or needs feeding or a nappy change I just give up. I often long for the headspace just to do something start to finish without interruption. I was interrupted three times during this post!

How are you feeling about your therapy session?

Just read that back and thought "WTF being your own boss??" I should say having a totally unreasonable boss who's about 4 and half foot shorter than you and gives incomprehensible instructions is bloody hard

:o that"s got to be the quote of the day.

I loved being a sahm and find it ok to keep motivated but agree in the first few years you do feel like an exstention of the dc rather than a person in your own right, I also love being distracted by ds but do have to say "right I'm doing my stuff can I have peace please or you'll have to help"

I'm skiving today.

What do you get demotivated about?

feel asleep for 90 mins! perk of the job I guess, head much clearer

scared sh**@less about therapy later Cailin. Stupid of me.

DH said dont put pressure on myself to do anything today or to expect therapy to fix everything in one session (he reckons there is an awful lot of stuff to get through, but politely isnt going on about it, bless him)

another nasty flashback today of sitting outside a supermarket in town I grew up in, my mother giving me money to go in and buy sanitary products ( by myself) as periods had just started. She handed me the money, said,'does it make you feel dirty having your period?'

wtf?

NO idea why this has come into my head today, 3 times already

sorry to lower tone of the chat this morning

i guess when my dd starts hers, I will know what NOT to say or do

Mainly keeping the house tidy. I do like having a tidy clean house but it feels like such an uphill struggle with DS always "helping" or wanting to do other things. I don't want to spend the entire day doing housework by any means but I would like to keep the place somewhat tidy. Surveying the sitting room now it looks like a toy shop exploded in here. I can't be bothered tidying it up because I know it'll be the same tomorrow.

Plus the inlaws are coming at the weekend and MIL has huge (silent) judgeypants about cleanliness etc. I hate to think of her evaluating my grubby abode and finding it wanting, silly as that is.

Sorry Belle x posted.

I think it's pretty normal to be scared shitless at the start of therapy. Hopefully over time you'll start to look forward to it. Your therapist, hopefully, will be used to new clients being wary and will have ways to make you feel at ease.

That flashback sounds horrible, what an awful thing for your mother to say. Are the flashbacks a new thing or have you had them before?

I agree with your DH that you should take it easy today - you have to think of therapy in same way as chemo or other pretty strong medical treatment - it can hit you very hard at first, but over time as it does its job it really works wonders. Be kind to yourself.

thanks cailin, I get flashbacks of various things during adolescence, and while there is STILL a part of me saying oh it wasnt so bad, how is that a bad thing for a mother to say to her daughter, it actually bloody well was weird!

other flashbacks are of standing in the small smug room near the door, seeing my sister in a corner while she walloped her with that blooming bamboo stick

there were french doors in that room after yet another renovation project (thats where all their money must have gone, on renovation projects) and another nasty flashback is again of me just standing numb, unable to move, while both of them lit on her, verbally and father lifted her against the french doors - i just remember thinking the glass is going to smash

fast forward to last yr, when vandals threw 3 rocks into our front living room window while I was sat in the room and the noise, and the feeling that I just couldnt protect my sleeping infants were the vandals to come into the house, thankfully they didnt, i think has really really must have triggered those strong feelings of simply being unable to protect my sister

pseudo psychological reasoning here on my part, hoping therapist will help with these

thank you for listening, they are not pleasant to read, dont want to ruin anyone's day with this, i appreciate knowing you are there to listen, means so much

I'm shaking having written all of that

off to get chocolate before i have to go pick up DCs

Chocolate is a very good idea. Don't worry about posting details on here, that's what the thread is for. I think reading about others' childhoods and perhaps seeing parallels is actually quite helpful. I feel like a bit of a freak when I hear other people talking fondly about their parents and it's strangely comforting to know that other people had a tough time too. We were never beaten, thanks be to god, but both my mother and father said some really weird and nasty things to us.

Belle, I agree to taking it easy and thinking of it as a "chemo" session.

When having a flashback I snuggle into a blanket/cup of tea and let it wash over me, trying not to be scared.

I hope therapy is good, it's difficult to do but stick with it, x

Cailin, little and often with housework, could you ask your DH about a good spritz before your ils turn up saying you want them/you to enjoy the visit rather than being stressed about cleaniness?

Belle thinking of you today counselling is hard going just take your time with it your own pace. I went back to bed today cat came with me me and my shadow him took sominex last night as I'm starting to get panicky with bed again but was still waking DH reckons I need to contact Shona the local DC to see if she's looked into the counselling for me but I don't know he says I'm so up and down but told him I've accepted that's how it will be even she said it won't stop until after this is over with and then not straight away.

I just had a flashback when my phone rang, I'm nervous of the phone but haven't had a flashback that strong directly triggered by the ring.

My mother and stepfather were arguing and ran into the living room, my mother screaming she was going to call the police, I cowered in the corner of the room, he grabbed the phone and started smacking her round the head, then he saw me and went for me, she screamed no, run, and I ran. I didn't get help for her, I didn't tell anyone, I was about 11.

To be honest I think the weight stuff, the cleaning etc are all deflection tactics. I'm starting to become a bit wise to myself lately. When I start approaching something shit that I should deal with I don't deal with it, I start obsessing about other things instead.

WTF does it matter if the house is squeaky clean or not. It doesn't. I'm just focusing on that as a way to make myself feel shit and as a way to occupy my mind so I don't have to think about other stuff.

I did that Dirona wrapped myself in a blanket and cuddled a cushion or my teddybear DH calls it my comfort blanket. Gone back to sleeping downstairs again bad thoughts cioming back I know DC apologised for dragging it up again didn't realise it would knock me for 6 again though she says she can see how badly its affected me but she saw me before I disclosed so can tell I suppose.

You where a kid don't beat yourself up Dirona xxx

Cailin, I feel that way too, I also think the verbal abuse is more damaging than the physical.

Belle, I know you feel like your sister had it worse but you witnessed it and that is as damaging iyswim, big hug for today.

Dotty, i think asking about the councelling would be good, the little things are starting to build again by the sound of it, x

Good you can see that about yourself Cailin, I used to be the same but have changed a lot.

What are you trying to distract from?

Dealing with shit. I don't even know what really. You know, a big jumble of crap.

It is not just little things either took off for a drive last night over nothing 3 hours later got back love driving in the evening its such a beautiful area ended up down at Corbridge took photo of the reddest sunset I've seen in a longtime. Made sure I was calm before I left though.

Can you do some grounding stuff, relaxing breathing etc

I'm here if you need someone to listen.

Hope counselling goes well Belle and hope everyone else is ok and finds that elusive motivation.
I had hoped to have counselling this afternoon but I never heard back from my counsellor. Think I can safely assume I won't be having anymore...grrrr
Off to sort out the jumble sale that is my landing, bedroom and sons bedroom. I wonder what the carpet looks like, haven't seen it for a while. Oh joy, i'm so excited to be doing this!

Good Dotty, don't want to lose you sunsets are lovely, I have loads :o