Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 4

[CailinDana]

The first three parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Cailin, my sister now says that since having her hypnotherapy for it 2 yrs ago, she is now in that place where yes she can visit them more often, stay longer at their house, but she regards them with a nonchalance she does not use with any other people in her life (she has a million mates and more, very popular)

so it is possible

but I still need her to tell me it is possible to get to that not-bothered, non-angry place with them. I am so angry too. But it would delight my mother so much to see me get angry, I am holding to that to stop myself exploding with her, so I end up just changing the subject LOTS or redirecting the chat back to her own life (she loves this)

but again, then, I am saddened, as she has effectively no interest, or connection, and it seems like I am mourning the loss of an unconditional maternal love during those pivotal teenage years

rambling -must go to bed, school run early tomorrow!

sleep well everyone

Sleep well Belle. In case you're not about before Tuesday, good luck with the session :) I would be interested to hear how it goes because in time I think I'll be opting for the same thing.

Good luck Belle, I'm coming through the anger to a more serene place now so it is achievable (sp?).

Sigh.

I'm having a real problem with my weight at the moment. I know this isn't entirely relevant to the thread but I hope you don't mind me whinging a bit.

From my teens up until I became pregnant with DS I was slim. I didn't put on much weight when I was pregnant as I found it really hard to eat in the last trimester so once I had him I was ok with how I looked and assumed wobbliness etc would improve with time. However, once I stopped breastfeeding my weight started sharply increasing and I'm now the fattest I've ever been and I hate it, it's on my mind all the time.

I know it's a pretty common thing for a woman not to be happy with her weight but this bugging the life out of me. I just want to go back to the way I was before, eating a pretty healthy diet and happy with my weight. I'm not eating a whole lot more than I used to but I seem to be putting on more and more weight and it's triggering this sense of loss of control in me, it's starting to take over my thoughts.

I don't know how best to tackle it. I know if I put my mind to it I could definitely lose weight within a few months but the thing that worries me is that before I got married I started running and watching my food intake so I could look my best in my wedding dress. I became totally obsessive and ended up too thin (though not dangerously so) and then became depressed. I don't know if there is any link between all that but I am anxious about it.

Something that really annoys me is that ever since I've known her MIL has commented on my "healthy appetite" and since I've had DS she's said a few times "Oh you've lost weight, well done" (mainly during the time I was bfing, so I was actually losing weight) and it makes me feel like she's monitoring me, watching me all the time. My own family comment on the weight of other people a lot and I know when I go over this summer they'll be talking behind my back about how I've changed and become "settled" (my mother's word for fat and mumsy) since having DS. The thought of it is driving me nuts.

Blaaaaah.

morning Cailin

nice quiet house here this morning, DS off to school bless him. Love quiet...

I hear you regarding the weight thing, mother was always watching her food and criticising her & our figures SIGH INDEED! Your MIL is just being rude. It 's awful how people can be.

Personally, I have removed all alcohol from my diet since I started the antiD 2 wks ago, and it has really surprised me - sure sometimes I am gagging for a drink in the evenings, but if I put a tonic water ice and lime in a 'lady glass' wine glass, it gives me the same treat feeling - but have just noticed clothes feeling looser and my head is clearer when I waken in the mornings

I try to get a walk on the beach 3 times a week. Sticking my music on helps with the boredom of a walk for me. I dont have gym membership or anything else.

Prob should do more, but these simple 2 things have helped me lots

Dont be too hard on yourself, but I know it's hard

Morning Cailin I have the same problem but mines been linked to the abuse had problems all my life counseller called them eating disorders I say issues around food I dropped from over 11 to just over 9 in about 6-8 weeks at the end of year due to eating once or twice a week doesn't seem light but all my bones where sticking out looking back I looked fucking ill in photo's with my great niece fab picture as well just a shame. Since I started eating in February after I was set achievable targets by GP I've balloned to almost 12 stone but it's the first time in 20 years I've been eating normally think I've fucked my body up to be honest.

Need to get back to SW but I can't face it yet tried doing it on my own but failed [what a surprise] bumped into my consultant she stopped me going because the mess I was in told me I shouldn't be there says just to take my timeand come back when I'm fully ready, can't even face going for a walk just now unless I have to used to swim a mile a day and cycle everything.

Also went nuts in boys room this morning fixed his set of drawers yet again bought new handles the lot he's lost some of them already going to get
this I think and use his for my tools in the shed sick of fixing it.

i had mother ring my home phone this morning at 6.50am (who rings at that time unless someone has awful news?) She just wanted to tell me about some people who had died, someone who has bowel cancer, and to ask me 3 times how I was feeling on the medication...she's going to keep asking me and asking me until she gets an answer

i will never give her an answer, as I doubt i would even be on e bloody antiD if she had chosen to parent differently

sorry Cailin, thread hijack

Do you think you could go for a walk one day a week to start off? I find i really dont want to exercise, but once I'm out, once music is on, I feel a bit better

Pull the socket out of the wall it will still ring her end and piss her off no end

my dad used to do that at home Dotty, it worked for them (grumpy sh*that they were)

thinking seriously about doing it, she is becoming a stalker

that was supposed to be grumpy sh**s that they were

It's harrassment mother or no mother all this bloods thicker than water is bullshit my best friends mum has always been more a mum to me than mine and we've only known each other since 15.

We have no incoming calls luckily so don't have that problem when DC visited my brother DH got a threatening phonecall off him and silent calls all night Saturday fucking night busiest night of the week TWAT. When she came to see me on the Monday she told me she had one on her answerphone and anymore off him and I was to contact her and she'd get it stopped. x

Hi again guys, I've been out with DS at toddler group. I get a bit of exercise during the week as I don't have a car and I walk to the park/town etc with DS. Losing weight really isn't an issue, I guarantee that if I decided now to lose weight I could be two stone lighter by September. I tend to get obsessive about things. What I'd like is to reach a happy medium but I suppose that's something a lot of people struggle with. I would like to get back to swimming but without a car it's hard to get to the gym. I suppose I just need to work something out.

How do you think your mum would respond Belle if you said you would ring her once and week and she is not to ring you unless there's an emergency?

she would sulk Cailin! Big style - already at the end of this morning's call, she had an awful tone of goodbye, as I said look it's 7 in the morning I have to feed the kids get sorted for school run

she was offended

so would be mightily cross - but this is exactly how she likes to control things

this is the woman who told me 3 mths ago in a 'chat' was I pregnant again, and not to think about having a third DC as it is such a burden having kids

SIGH

been out for a quick beach walk with DD, she is such a mood booster, so jolly and fun to be around, she is only 3 but seems very wise lol

hope you enjoyed toddler group btw, good on you, I never managed to stick at any groups like that as always found myself in the company of rather bitchy ladies, put me right off

My mother is sulker too. Although in the last couple of years that I lived at home I started completely ignoring her sulks and acted like everything was fine and dandy which drove her round the bend! Nowadays a sulk means nothing because I hardly speak to her anyway.

Luckily the groups I go to are very nice and friendly. I haven't made any proper friends from them as such but I do look forward to chatting to everyone and for the time being I'm happy with just finding acquaintances. It keeps DS busy too so that's always a good thing!

I have the same weight problem, even when I was super model thin my family called me fat even though they're heifers

I swear by pilates, it's toning, relaxing but hard work as well and you can do half hour routines.

I need to lose weight as I can't fit any clothes but am a bit scared to get obsessive again.

My dads the sulker, don't know how to describe my mother, racist, homophobic, white colonial pretty much explains her.

Btw I haven't exercised since xmas.

Toddler groups are brill

Totally distracted by a teenager on study leave who wants my attention distraction from his chores

We have a river so I might go river swimming, too far to pool, toddlers love soft rivers too if you've got one, just remember arm bands and sunscreen :o

of Belles beach

Ugh I don't think we're going anywhere this afternoon my stomach is really upset for some reason. I feel very sicky :(

I'm the same with my weight and becoming obsessive. I lost about a stone recently and then suddenly had the appetite of 50 obese elephants so i've put it back on :(
I was always told I was fat and disgusting and used to make myself sick as a child. I was so skinny a family friend bought me a book about anorexia, but I couldn't work out why because I thought I was huge and nobody told me any different. My mother always said I would have her body shape - short, fat thighs and pear shaped, so I would have to watch what I eat. I don't, i actually have an athletic figure but my brain still things i'm huge. I'm a 12 at the moment but want to be thinner and lose the extra chin haha.

I love being slim and that feeling of being light when I walk, but putting on weight was the only thing that kept my father away from me so I think my brain is programmed to think i'm safer if i'm a bit bigger.

Belle my mother told me to have an abortion with my youngest (9 mths now) because having me (2nd child) ruined my sisters life and it will ruin my sons. She went on and on about how much better my sister would have done if I didn't exist and how guilty she feels about it.
Actually while i'm on the subject its been playing on my mind today, that when I told her about the abuse 6 yrs ago, her only response was 'oh i wonder if it happened to your sister too' It was like being kicked in the stomach. I learnt from a young age not to expect anything from her, but to completely disregard me was a bit much.

Jealous of the river and beach. Can't swim in a river because i'm scared of floaty things getting me. I do have beaches fairly close but littley cries in the car so its not fair in this heat. We had a paddle yesterday though which was lovely.

I'm meant to be doing housework, or something useful at least. Can't be bothered though. Went to the last freedom programme today and nobody else turned up. I get so fed up of other people being crap sometimes. I really should have just gone to a park with a good book rather than waste my time.. grrrr.

Hope you feel better soon Cailin

Hugs Amitola, those were harsh words from your mother re you weight and your birth/having kids

Hope you feel a bit better Cailin, sometimes doing nothing helps

Just come back after school run picking up DS and my mother has sent him a big box of Meccano, for his birthday on Saturday past. NOW I FEEL AWFUL & GUILTY as she is clearly trying hard to be so nice. eugh now I feel ill too, knots in the stomach or something.

Ami, mine said "oh he abused his daughter too" fucking bitch.

It's too hot to do housework so I'm gardening and just got a cuddle off a totie wee dog, can't be arsed swimming.

Hugs Cailin and Belle

Hugs to all I'm just back in had so much on my mind that I forgot my license was due for renewal next week stupid cow nearest post office to do the direct service is 18 miles away so got DS some clothes for summer whilst I was there and bits of shopping.