Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

That should say "accepted here" :)

Thankyou Cailin, that really means a lot x

Thankyou Cailin, that really means a lot x

I sometimes feel because I hold back such a big part of myself that I am being dishonest with people, and I think that contributes to the feeling of not belonging. It's like, people think I'm this ordinary, together person when in reality I'm anything but. I do sometimes get the urge to tell new friends about what happened, so I can get it out of the way soon and let them drop me if they like, but I don't.

I met some online friends for first time whilst I was away apart from the one I met in a cafe I was quite at ease as it was their homes and it is a safe place to be not in public. They thought I was coping fine one knows the whole story in great detail and I think I was probably the closest to being the real me than I ever have been. The others no the basics about what I'm doing.

Cailin that is exactly how I feel, you just word it a whole lot better.
You were a young girl when it happened. You were powerless and absolutely do not deserve to feel that you are being dishonest with anyone. You are a strong person, and deserve every happiness xx

You where still young dontknow and what happened was NOT I repeat NOT your fault you need to look after that young girl part of you.

Ask yourself if that was your daughter would you tell her its your own fault you should of stopped it or any Rape/sexual assault victim for that matter. XXX

Thank you DontKnow. I know it's a simple thing that I should believe but it's hard to. Having other people say it does help x

Dotty, I do know what you mean. I just carry so much blame round with me. X

Dotty, I do know what you mean. I just carry so much blame round with me. X

Don'tknow, it was NOT your fault and you could NOT have stopped it.

To quote Cailin "You are accepted here".

Hug your 16 year old self, she is a wonderful, strong, brave, resiliant young woman who survived a horrendous horror. She's safe now. xx

We all do I do because I was willing.

MrsNewName, hello, settling things within yourself is the best place to start, things then should fall into place.

don'tknow It really wasn't your fault. Really. i was just reading another thread where someone said a paedophile doesn't harm teens well my abuse went on till I was 18 I might have been 19 I can't remember. I had been chucked out of home by then, but got so ill once ( I had chronic chest infection and am asthmatic) I had to stay over and the creep tried to rape me again. Literally while I was wheezing and struggling to breathe. For a moment I went straight into my helpless child mode and couldn't move a muscle. Literally.

I managed to threaten him with the police if he put his hands any further and meant it and he finally realised I wasn't still the powerless girl and never tried it again.

Because my abuse went on for so long I do sometimes feel like why didn't I stop him before? But what helped me was reading in (Thata Life? Chat?) about a woman in her 40s, who, believe it or not, was married with kids, and yet her father was still abusing her. She prosecuted him and won. Her husband was a diamond and was very understanding.

You cannot be held accountable at 16 for the actions of a grown man.

Dotty you were NOT willing, you were bloody well MANIPULATED.

It is not any of ours blame to hold. It is the abusers blame to hold.

Crap am crying now.

Mrsnewname& It might help not to categorise your abuse as 'not so serious' etc., and start accepting that what happened to you was extremely traumatising. Trying to compare your experience in terms of seriousness with other peoples tends to mean you do yourself a disservice and bury your feelings.

Acknowledging the impact it has had on your life, is the first step to healing and dealing with the issues it's left you with.

I hope you find some of the posts here helpful.

You are right Plink. Dotty what Plink says is true. for you Plink.

Avalon, very well said and the most important first step for survivors.

right back at you Cailin

NONE of us were willing. ALL of us were MANIPULATED.

Through coersion(sp?), secrets, fear, violence, whatever. It's all manipulation.

Thankyou and (hugs)to you all xx
I must go and make some tea for dd, will no doubt be back later xx

See you later Dontknow. I hope you're feeling at least a little bit better.

I'm out tonight. Very soon. Theatre no less. Would rather be a miserable cow and stay in. Am finding it hard in terms of sex. Have refused sex for a couple of weeks. Also I keep having baths. Lots of baths lately 3 times a day. Sigh i have no idea why.

But I'm getting somewhere, must be.

Also before I go I wanted to say the reason I mentioned that 40 something woman and her father, is because it showed me how great a mental hold and prison these predators have and keep you in. If a man grooms a 12 year old etc, then no matter how old the victim later becomes she still reacts as a 12 year old, and the predator has a 12 year old IFYSWIM.

Good Evening all xx

You are right Avalon.

I hope you have a great time at the theatre :)