Page 6 | Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

dottyspotty2 · 17/04/2012 14:03

Dontknow that's why I wear my earphones never used to like them but wear the hooky ones.

TheMistsOfAvalon · 17/04/2012 14:14

Oh dontknow so sorry. That must have been quite distressing and I daresay you feel like you're going out of your mind. Can you phone your GP for an emergency appointment or get them to come round? I wish I was there so I could make you a cup of tea and take your DD out for a walk so you could chill.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 14:15

Thanks Dotty. I can't cope with headphones, I always have to hear what's going on around me in case someone's behind, sorry I'm not making a great deal of sense at the moment.

Original poster

CailinDana · 17/04/2012 14:19

Sorry disappeared there for a while, I had to put away the shopping then a friend popped in - turned out to be a long "pop"! DS is asleep now, he's wrecked after playing with friend's DD.

DontKnow, just stay where you are for the time being. Having a panic attack really takes it out of you, no wonder you're tired. Is there any way you can ring the GP early in the morning and get a same day appointment?

Note to self: put pints of milk in the freeze :)

I've had a coffee and a tea so I feel almost human.

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DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 14:20

Thanks TheMistsOfAvalon, I just feel very spaced out at the moment, have bribed dd with an hour of Ceebies.
Apparently there were no emergency appointments left when I phoned yesterday and had to try again at 8 this morning. Couldn't get through until 10 and then there were none left again. Unfortunately they don't do home visits for anyone under 60 unless disabled. I need something to help me at the moment. I just seem to be sinking, lack of sleep probably not helping.

PlinkPaSta · 17/04/2012 14:21

Don'tKnow, hugs, I had a meltdown in one and got removed by the police bloody bright lights and masses of people shoving into me.

Now I go to the butchers, the fruit and veg shop and the hardwear shop. I feel like I'm doing my bit for small local businesses.

Dotty, saw the sn thread, sorry your DC's have been through all that. I used to work in social inclusion and took my DS so he just sees everyone as "normal". His best friend has ADD, other friends have autism/dyspraxia/mh stuff.

dottyspotty2 · 17/04/2012 14:29

Thanks Plink its been tough that's why I never felt affected because I spent so much time fighting for him.

Dontknow if I didn't have the headphones I'd be like you I get palpitations at the thought of going out. Used to have so many panic attacks before going out ending up hiding in my room once had one in the swimming pool. I am hyper aware though people probably think I'm crazy as I'm alwayys looking around even use them for going to normal shops can't cope with background noise even DD2 noticed how shaky I was.

Original poster

CailinDana · 17/04/2012 14:35

We're here to listen DontKnow. If it helps, just keep posting what's going on in your head.

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DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 14:41

Dotty, having a panic attack in water must have been awful. I dislike background noise, especially shops, but need to hear it. I am always so aware of what/who is around me, it's tiring tbh.
I feel stupid more than anything. I was fine, doing the shopping, muttering about price increases, the usual and then the flashback started. I can pull myself out of the flashback eventually but always end up having a full blown attack. I can't remember how I got home (well I know I walked but I can't remember doing it iyswim).

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 14:41

Dotty, having a panic attack in water must have been awful. I dislike background noise, especially shops, but need to hear it. I am always so aware of what/who is around me, it's tiring tbh.
I feel stupid more than anything. I was fine, doing the shopping, muttering about price increases, the usual and then the flashback started. I can pull myself out of the flashback eventually but always end up having a full blown attack. I can't remember how I got home (well I know I walked but I can't remember doing it iyswim).

PlinkPaSta · 17/04/2012 14:43

Don'tknow, my gp's like that, practically impossible to get an appointment. I'm in my pj's and ignoring the mess as I almost had to swim home and got hailed on, cbeebies sounds ace and lots of sugary tea, hugs.

Original poster

CailinDana · 17/04/2012 14:47

Do you know what triggered the flashback?

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dottyspotty2 · 17/04/2012 14:48

Dontknow that's why dr put me on citalopram.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 14:50

I honestly don't know, it wasn't even that busy. Normally crowds send me daft but I can't blame that this time.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 14:50

I honestly don't know, it wasn't even that busy. Normally crowds send me daft but I can't blame that this time.

Original poster

CailinDana · 17/04/2012 14:58

Do you know what the flashback was about?

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DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 15:05

I just sort of saw myself as a 16 year old girl again. Doing normal everyday things, but pretending everything was normal. Watching other people doing normal family things, going back to a cozy family home. When all the time strangers thought I was just like that but had no idea what I was going home to. Buying something for tea when I didn't know if I'd get to eat it, if that was the day they'd actually kills us, or whether we'd have the strength to cook.

Original poster

CailinDana · 17/04/2012 15:07

:( Would it help if you could talk to that 16 year old and tell her that even though things are shit for her, they will improve and she will have a good life? Perhaps imagine giving her a big hug and taking her home to make her a nice tea, show her that she will have a lovely family in the future, a family of her own.

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DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 15:16

I don't really think I'll ever feel part of a normal family. I give it to dd, a safe home, normal(ish) life, will always be there for her no matter what but I don't feel part of it. Sorry that doesn't make a lot of sense.

Original poster

CailinDana · 17/04/2012 15:18

No, it does make sense. Can you identify why you don't feel part of it? Is because you don't feel worthy? Or you're afraid of something?

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PlinkPaSta · 17/04/2012 15:23

Don'tknow I know exactly how that feels. I do what Cailin describes and I'm starting to feel more "deserving" but still don't entirely feel part of normal society.

mrsnewname · 17/04/2012 15:26

Hello, I am a lurker on these threads. I don't live in the UK. What happened to me is nothing to what's happened to a number of you but I have been fooling myself by pretending that I could forget all about it.
My parents took pity on a friend of my brothers who had been kicked out of home and took him in as a lodger. big mistake. He was great fun and paid me a lot of attention, so reeled me in.

Luckily no 'serious' abuse but it must have affected me because I remember bed-wetting, being naughty at school and then developing a weird virus which only stopped when he moved out. I don't know why I didn't tell my family. They have their flaws but are basically warm and lovely.

This probably went on for about 6 months, can't remember really, until I was 8. I absolutely hated him after that and thought he was really pathetic. Luckily he left the area and life went on, did well at school, went to a good uni, got a good job, married, 2 kids, good friends, generally blessed/lucky. BUT, for teh last 3 years I have been obsessing about what this idiot is up to and whether he's doing it all over again (probably ).

My marriage is rocky - not sure how connected this is (there're many other issues). And sex, which honestly used to be something i really enjoyed in my 20s, has become an issue (ie I have completely shut off). I also have periods where I feel very angry, disproportionately so (although my "default setting" is probably irritatingly cheerful).

Sorry, this is longer than intended. So, I need to face facts and sort this out I think; not only in terms of myself (counselling? but I'm not in the Uk) and deciding what to do about pathetic paedo. He has a very high powered job in IT, which also fills me with dread. I don't like myself for this but I don't really want to bring a court case BUT i know that this is probably happening to other children. Any advice much appreciated. Thanks

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 15:27

To an extent I feel like I don't deserve it. I could have had a more normal life if I had have stopped it, but I didn't so it's my fault. On the other hand I have built up so many barriers that I don't want to let them down and feel accepted.

DontKnowWhatToDoAnymore · 17/04/2012 15:27

To an extent I feel like I don't deserve it. I could have had a more normal life if I had have stopped it, but I didn't so it's my fault. On the other hand I have built up so many barriers that I don't want to let them down and feel accepted.

Original poster

CailinDana · 17/04/2012 15:33

DontKnow your last post hit me in the heart. I feel very much the same. It took me a long time to realise that I always lived my life thinking someone was going to come along and find me out, and tell me to fuck off and that I wasn't worthy of what I had. I still feel that way to a certain extent but I try to fight it.

You do deserve what you have. What happened wasn't your fault. You need to take that 16 year old in your arms and tell her that.

You are accepted her, whether you like it or not :)

Mrsnewname, thank you for posting. Sorry to read what happened to you. For the moment I think you should focus on yourself, and then when you feel stronger you can think about whether you would like to pursue prosecution.

Have you told anyone in real life about what happened?

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