Hi Everyone, hope you don't mind me dropping in on the thread. I've been hovering for a long time, (and name changed as terrified of someone I know reading this) but a bit nervous about joining in. I know a lot of you are going through some really tough times at the moment so I don't want to detract from that.
But...I kind of need to post, as I have so much stuff in my head at the mo, that I haven't slept properly for around 2 weeks and am shattered beyond belief - I'm hoping if I can get it 'out', it might make me feel better.
I've been thinking a lot about my family recently and trying to process some things. My Dad was an alcoholic and my mum has undiagnosed OCD. My aunt (Dad's sister) also an alcoholic so things at my parent's house were pretty chaotic.
Dad was always drunk and angry and he used to come into my room at night, just in his underwear and sit on the floor by my bed for hours. I hated it so much and used to make me feel so scared and sick.
My older brother was always touching me and when he was 13 and I was 11, he raped me. Nothing was ever said, or done, and I had no option but to carry on day to day life with my family as though nothing had ever happened.
In my late teens I met a boy who i fell in love with and was with for 7 years, but who was horribly violent and abusive. I was so young and so 'normalised' to abuse, that I didn't even register it was wrong. Years later, I then went on to marry someone exactly like him, also very abusive and violent and am currently trying to extend a non-molestation order against him (due in court on Friday).
Not surprisingly i ended up with loads of mental health problems and was completely scapegoated by my family (all of the family problems and abuse were written off as figments of my poor mad imagination).
Somewhere in between, I managed to get 7 years of therapy and it turned my life around and I'm reasonable healthy now with two gorgeous kids, but so much is still inside me. Dad died 5 years ago, but my mum and brother live in this fantasy where we are all really close, and everything is fine. And my original abuser is married to someone I know, who I see socially occasionally, so more denial going on there!
Suddenly, I can't stop thinking about the rape (which my family completely denied) and how it's affected me. I never realised any of my potential - i was too busy surviving - and I keep wondering if it's too late to reclaim my life? I can't get this stuff out of my head and keep blaming myself for the fact that my mum and brother are still part of my life (albeit I only see my brother once a year at Christmas). It's so confusing because after he raped me I had to carry on having a normal relationship with him for the next 30 years, so the whole thing is really messed up in my head. I just can't stop feeling guilty, which I know is crazy.
So sorry to ramble for such a long time, but just need to try and process this. Thanks for listening if you've toughed it out this far - am so grateful this thread is here.