Support thread for survivors of childhood sexual abuse PART 3

[CailinDana]

The first two parts of this thread:
Part 1
Part 2

The purpose of these threads is to allow survivors of childhood sexual abuse, their partners, friends, or parents, to talk in a safe place about what they think and feel. Nothing is off limits or taboo, just say what you want to say.

Dotty - you still have Christmas chocolate in the house!?! I admire your willpower

I know we don't know you well coffee but I think it's safe to say anyone here who has read about what happened to you has felt upset and sad for you. My heart sank when you said you said you had been raped last year, it really hit me. I wish your family wasn't so shit towards you.

Berts Its my 16 year olds she went mad at me said I should of just taken it.

Your 16 year old has wisdom beyond their years

For anyone who wants to join me, I'm going to post a small step every most days for ways that I'm going to either look after myself, stand up for myself, or work on improving how I feel.

Today - I'm going to have a nap instead of cleaning the house.

And I'm going to re-read the chapter from 10 Minute Life Coach on forgiving myself and work on that a bit.

I'm thinking of picking my book up again today Berts it does upset me but need to do it, was going to catch up with housework but despite sleeping most of yesterday I have no energy still aching and got sore throat as well. ggrrrrrrr

The housework will wait - it's not surprising you've got so many physical symptoms coming to the surface, with the huge events of the last week or so

Do the book thing, for yourself - You are important and worth the time x

Good idea Berts. I'm going to text my friend and ask her to go out sometime later in the week. I put that kind of thing off because it's too much of a treat and I feel I don't deserve it. Well bugger that, I'm going out on the town!

I'm also going to have a nice walk in the sun later when DS wakes up.

Thankyou everyone.

Today I'm going to ignore the suicidal feelings and write some poetry.

They say I'll be an angel in heaven
I fought a devils demon
My body and soul are scarred
Beyond mortal capability
I feel like a ghost in purgatory
A voice which can't be heard
Tears which run silently
With pain they can't feel
Their touch burns my flesh
On a corpse of human life
If God has granted I'm an Angel
Why does he make me wait

Haha :o god I'm self absorbed and whiny but feel better

Sorry you're feeling so bad coffee. Great poem though, and a very good way of letting your feelings out. How are you feeling now?

Haha, teary and crying, I know I haven't been on mn long but for me for the first time I'm socialising to a point, I normally just work and avoid socialising. I don't know anyone here but diving in is giving me a bit more RL confidence to stop and natter with people, I'm still not a go out and have a drink person but thanks to you lot allowing me to be here albeit a bit messed up, I can see a future where socialising can be ok. I have a thing on the weekend which will be a dry run, Thankyou again Cailin, x

I'm really glad you're getting something from the thread. Are those good or bad tears that you're crying?

That's good to hear coffee have a good night out x

Sad Cailin, I always, naively thought, what I have been through was rare. I'm sad so many have been raped, I'm sad I'm not alone in this and tbh I'm sad there are rape apologists. I am in a place to deal with it I suppose. I have had a good discussion with psych about humanity so I know 1 RL person with some sense :o

Thanks Dotty, it's a day time thing, not up for nights yet I'm scared of the dark

Coffee it is so so sad and shocking I found out someone else I know has been through the same at a really young age to many twisted adults in this world who prey on innocent vulnerable children.

Still have a good time, I'm ok at night seems easier at nightimes for me my friend was with me at all times though was fabulous wish I didn't have to rely on others though. She ordered me to Dr's to get my shoulder checked she snapped a ligament and her shoulder is plated so she panics when I just pop painkillers.

Everyone needs other people, Dotty - it's what makes us human.

Glad this place is helping you, Coffee. Keep in mind though that threads like this, and the relationships area in general, does give a concentrated view of how much abusive behaviour there is in the world. There's still more good people than bad, and more kind and reasonable people than (a very vocal minority) of rape apologists.

Cailin, you totally deserve a nice time out with your friend! Hope it's fun

Berts, thanks, I stick more to chat but I might have to deal, at some point with someone blaming me.

Dotty, hope the gp visit goes ok.

Cailin, definately enjoy your night out :o

I texted my friend and we're going out shopping on Sunday :) DH has told me that I am under orders to take out a wodge of money and buy myself some things. I struggle a lot with spending money, especially on myself, so I'm really pushing the boundaries Lunch, a chat, some mooching around the shops, really looking forward to it!

:o sounds fabulous, hope you get yourself something great. I love antiques but sitting and chatting terrifies me Splurge away.

This particular friend is great, it's really easy to talk to her. If I don't talk she just natters away of her own accord, it's not difficult at all.

Cailin enjoy yourself, buy a few things for me too You deserve it girl!

Coffee Reading your poem has me welling up (hugs) I glad you're finding this thread helpful too.

Like yourself, I'm finding this thread is making it easier for me to tolerate socialising in real life, which I always find hard as trusting people is difficult.

I've really opened up here. Never done that before - of course being anonymous is helpful so I guess it could be argued that I'm still in a 'safe zone' here.

Still, I've been able to express some things here that I've not shared anywhere else and I'm really grateful for everyone on this thread who has actually read and 'listened' to what I've had to say without saying 'get over it' or 'You're sounding like a broken record'.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Because frankly sometimes the inner loneliness (based a lot in feeling misunderstood and invalidated) was so great, I almost felt that if I didn't exist, it would be just the same as existing.

I hadn't realised how heavy a burden living with the abuse has been. It has been so much a part of me, I just never really knew where it was and I began. I still haven't sorted that out completely, but thanks to the shared experiences of this thread I at least know I can get there and get to an O.K. place.

I know there are good people in this world who aren't quick to blame, and most importantly; KNOW WHAT THE HELL THIS CAN FEEL LIKE.

Evening everyone, I'm back, eventually!
I havn't caught up with all the posts yet, still exhausted and worrying obsessively about dd. We're home now, thank god, bloody hospitals drive me to drink.
Hope everyone is well xx

Well said Avalon. I feel the same way do about the whole inner loneliness thing. Just feeling like others get what I mean is a relief. And I feel lucky to have been able get to know lovely people like you lot! :)

Welcome back DontKnow! How is your dd now?

She's much better now thanks Cailin. Still very tired though, poor little soul.

Avalon, well said, you've just put your finger on it :o and I'm really glad you're here too. I could have said exactly the same, the inner loneliness is quite the burden to bear(sp? :o )

Cailin, I hope you really enjoy treating yourself, just getting some little thing which makes your heart sing just a little bit and seems special to you and enjoying a girlie afternoon.

Welcome back Don'tknow, how are you? glad your DD is better, hopefully she won't be as tired soon.